Itís been a while since Iíve posted on the forums; I had to take a break and take a breather, but I still lurk incessantly when I have need for advice or insight and I find posts that speak in ways better than I can express myself. But this time, SI, Iím losing my flipping marbles and I really need help. Okay, so, the situation:
A mutual friend of WH and I passed away a few days ago, and itís been harder on WH because he knew this friend longer than I have and heís not really faced a major death in his life. Me? It was like left and right a member of my family was passing away a couple of years ago so Iíve been around this rodeo for a while. The issue Iím having is a serious bout with insecurity that is driving me nuts. From what I can ascertain of the timeline he gave me, the major stressors that happened around the time he lost his flipping mind and decided that cheating was an option was when our favorite dog died and his father had a stroke.
Now, I can only ascertain this because we still donít discuss aspects of his affair or even mine (mostly avoidance, I think, on both our parts), but with our friendís death that has just occurred, Iím in this state of sheer panic. My thoughts have been bouncing around, my emotions have been all over the place, and more than once I have had a meltdown (none of which WH has seen) and this morning I had shouting fit in the bathroom by myself that Iím sure he probably heard.
It centers around the affair, yes, because I have a feeling that our dogís death and his dadís stroke and then our relationship issues and a few other life stressors got to him and he just wanted a ďbreakĒ. But Iím terrified of him wanting a ďbreakĒ now. Our relationship is marginally, marginally working, but our friendís death has drummed up a slew of (mostly negative) emotions. Iíve been supportive (Iím not a complete bitch in this situation or devoid of compassion), but I know that my emotions are all over the place and Iím flipping out inside.
I saw our friend in the hospital, and that he was basically brain dead and was just a husk lying there when thatís Just. Not. Him. I donít know if his death is affecting me in a weird way that I am just naturally stuffing because Iím just so used to intellectualizing my pain to the point of not feeling it.
I just emailed WH and let him know that I canít place these insecurities on him because of how Iím feeling, but is this crap normal? I mean, Iíve been around death; Iím petrified of it, but Iíve studied ad nauseum all the different aspects of it, but this just has me all screwed up and turned around. I donít know if Iím giving my emotions a ďvoiceĒ to feel this loss at all.
I just donít know. Iím confused. What am I doing wrong here?