I've shared my story a lot on the Sex Addict Spouse thread but thought I would start it here as I chronicle my journey of my dissolving marriage and changing life. There are disgusting revelations ahead so please don't read further if you feel you will be offended or too triggered.
My SAWH is ActionsOverWords here on SI.
I have been married to an out of control sex addict for almost years and it has been 6 years of hellish TT, five years of false R.
To start with, this whole damn marriage is my fault because I was so fucking stupid. I met my H in 2006 on Friday the 13th (ha!) and he proposed within 6 weeks. Everyone told me 'Sometimes you just know you met the right one!' and so I said yes to the proposal even though I had doubts because we had differences in terms of politics, class, race. We got married 1 year later and I felt like I knew him well. He reeled me in with his story of triumph over his FOO issues with abuse and neglect. He made it seem as though he had overcome a lot of personal demons and I was proud of him. He had issues with anger--but they weren't directed at me. I felt special. I felt like I could calm him down. I felt that I could help him be the best person he could be. I felt that his love would help heal my own pain from a childhood of emotional neglect with no real father and an alcoholic mother. I was an idiot.
In 2008 I found out he was having an EA with someone he met on CL and that was DD #1. Then a few weeks later it turns out that he kissed this woman in our home. Then a few weeks later I installed a keylogger and learned that he was seeing prostitutes and reviewing them on Best GFE and TER. He swore up and down that he was going to change once I moved out. He started IC and went to Sex Addicts Anon (SAA). We went to MC. We moved in together again, because of money and because I was weak, had very low self esteem and believed he could change. My family supported us reconciling. I did not want to have the social failure of a divorce. We had weekly talks about our relationship and did in-depth work to restore trust, etc. I should have run.
Things were going great, I told myself. Sure, we weren't having sex but that was because "his sex drive was so low due to guilt." And sure he continued to lie about his emotions but we were working on that, too. He was extremely passive aggressive but he attributed that to loving me too much to express negative emotions. Our MC was our biggest cheerleader and lots of people thought we were the happiest couple ever. There were LOTS of nagging doubts in my mind but they were small and getting smaller. We renewed our vows since we'd had an elopement wedding and I thought everything was great.
So I agreed to have a child with my husband and we got pregnant right away. It was during my pregnancy that he began to openly be less tolerant. He was angry at me for being slow and stiff. He took care of my physical needs but I could see that he was straining not to snap at me for cleaning less and having low energy. He was angry but barely repressing that anger. Then under pressure in a tense convo sometime near my 12th week of pregnancy (May/June 2013), he admitted that he was still masturbating to mental images of prostitutes. He claimed he was not seeing these women, "just" masturbating to images in his head. He professed that this was all that was going on and got on antidepressants and Naltrexone to inhibit his libido. But was this all? Of course not.
Around August 2013 he revealed that we weren't having sex because he had untreated genital warts since 2008 and he did not want me to know.
He began seeing a dermatologist for long delayed treatment of his now-extensive warts. I had mere days to decide whether to abort the baby and I decided not to do so, in large part because I felt I would never find anyone better to have children with and that my family would be devastated if I told them I had 'lost' the baby.
I gave birth in late November 2013. I delivered around my 37th week. The night I was laboring at home, my husband insisted that he had to be at work for a mandatory meeting the next day. He did not want to take me to the doctor or the hospital and suggested I take a cab and call him if the baby were really coming. I suspect he wanted to be at work so he could sexualize someone in the workplace but I don't know. Eventually the contractions were too strong and he had to take me to the hospital. He was attentive at first. But when my first labor and delivery nurse was replaced by an attractive dark skinned black woman wearing red lipstick, he became visibly distracted. Her name was Candy and he was fantasizing about having sex with her while I was delivering our son. He said that he could not resist how 'hot' she was and how she had a 'stripper name' and red lips.
When I was released to go home, I was very weak and overwhelmed. The second night, he ejaculated in bed next to me and blamed it on a wet dream despite the fact that I knew he was masturbating. I asked him to sleep on the couch. A day afterwards, he ejaculated on the couch again in a supposed wet dream. He got semen all over a blanket and I found it when I went to straighten up the living room.
In the intervening months, I have since then have found out the following:
Childhood / Early Adulthood (1985 - 2007)
- He believes he was molested by two men around the ages of 3 and 4. He hates his mother (and essentially all women) for "letting" this happen. (I already knew he had been physically, psychologically and mentally abused by his mother, stepfather and other family members.)
- He was inappropriate with a cousin when he was 6 and she was 4. He continued this behavior for 2 years until caught by an aunt.
- He masturbated to thoughts of incest but did not act on them.
- He committed a rash of petty but vicious property crimes as a teenager because of his rage.
Before Our Marriage (before 2007)
- He patronized a prostitute who was transsexual just because although he found this person disgusting, he was "so horny". He felt disgusted by it but then later began to fetishize transsexuals.
- He repeatedly cheated on his former girlfriend with another woman and not only had unprotected sex with his AP but did so without a condom and while the AP was having her period. He then returned home and had sex with his girlfriend.
After Our Marriage (post 2007)
- He has lied to me about everything from his height to his prior job to his cat dying. (He sold the cat. The cat did not die.)
- He repeatedly endangered his last job by looking at Craigslist and Backpage on his work computer. He says this continued until 2012.
- He brought several prostitutes to our home while I was at work.
- He patronized 9-10 prostitutes before 2008 and he claims that he has not seen any since then. One problem: He previously told me that he had seen 3-5, then 5-6. The body count keeps going up and up and up, as does the level of contact. He now admits performing oral sex on prostitutes.
- Until 2012 he was purchasing porn at a corner store near his therapist's office before going to IC.
- He says he used to masturbate 2-3 times per day. He is currently masturbating almost every day.
-He pretends to be progressive and open but is instead a misanthropic racist with typical stereotypes for every group you can think of.
-He is obsessed with Latinas and thinks they are the epitome of sexual "hotness". I am not Latina.
- He currently has 25 - 50+ sexual fantasies per day.
- Some of these fantasies have become bizarre or surreal, (e.g., imagining a woman is a giant vagina).
- Some of these fantasies are violent and include him raping a woman or being raped by a man or a transsexual person.
- Some of these fantasies are consensually homosexual.
- He fetishizes obese women because they remind him of one of his AP.
- He fantasizes about and ranks women constantly, including his own female relatives. He does not control his fantasizing even when he is out with me.
- His sexual fantasies are strongly correlated with anger. He is angry most of his waking hours and represses it.
- He feels very little empathy for anyone or anything. For instance, he hears of a woman being raped and only thinks of how the act of intercourse is "hot." He says he would not act on such fantasies but I don't know what to think.
- Nothing in life feels as important to him as sex, anger and revenge--including me and our child.
- He "loves me and is so, so, so sorry."
I feel as though I had a child with a monster. I don't know what to do. I thought I was married to kind, loving, basically decent but flawed person who was having sex outside of our marriage. Instead, it turns out that my husband is a hateful person who equates sex with anger, control and hatred. I am afraid he could hurt someone. I am not sure what his other, hidden desires might be and am afraid of what will trickle out next. I constantly feel like I want to throw up.
He moved out in March after he tried to secretly record me being angry in order to use it against me with the police or in divorce court. I will never forgive him for that stunt. He adopted the voice of a small child and yelled, 'Stop hurting me! I am not touching you! Don't touch me!' to make it seem as though I was murdering him as I was throwing away old mementos of our sham marriage. It was then I could see how profoundly manipulative and narcissistic he was. He now sees our son almost every day and each day, a different person shows up. Sometimes he's upbeat, sometimes he's not. Usually he's angry or repressing anger because I won't treat him like my husband anymore.
He claims to be remorseful but he seems more regretful to have gotten caught and be without a steady supply of free love, ego kibble and sex. He's resorted to flirting with his coworkers and currently is obsessed with the law intern because her perfume reminds him of sex.
In addition, our baby has some health issues that are concerning. He likely has a genetic syndrome and diagnosis is in progress. Prognosis will likely take years. I regret having my son. I feel guilty for having him and I feel guilty for feeling guilty.
Now my faults--
I won't go to an IC because I don't trust counselors any more. I don't love my husband anymore but don't know how to let go of the relationship because I don't want to be a single mother. I feel hopeless and fantasize that my baby and I could be blotted out in some painless fashion so that we don't have to suffer. I fear my baby growing into a boy and then a man because I now deeply fear men. I eat too much to cope with my pain. I have panic attacks and periods of intense dissociating. I know that means I need help and maybe meds but I can't tell anyone what I've been through. I'm sad. I've been sad for probably the past 18 months and I'm afraid it affected my child in uetero. I want to die but feel trapped in life.
ActionsOverWords is very reasonable on the Internet. Sure, he's conflicted but he's sane. That is not the person that usually is on my doorstep. Neither he nor I have a monopoly on the truth but this, at least, is my part of the story. He has been out of the house for 4 months and has no plans to rejoin the family. He goes to 12 step meetings online; goes to a CSAT we cannot afford and goes to an IC. None of this has made any discernable difference in his fantasizing, masturbating or his interactions with me. The only thing that has helped is me continuing to detach and see him less and less.
I know this is super long but I wanted to start a thread where I puzzle out where to go next. Thanks to anyone who made it all the way to the end.
[This message edited by determinata at 3:03 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]