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junebug65000 posted 7/15/2014 14:54 PM

M: 63, H: 64
Married 39 years
S: 37, D: 33, 31
M: Retired Professional.
H: Government Worker

This is my first posting and unsure whether I belong here.
My marriage is basically stable. We have the usual disagreements that sometimes gets resolved OR swept under the rug.

My husband tends to have difficulty identifying what is bothering him and will often cover it up by picking fights with me or the kids for menial issues. He will say nasty and condescending statements and get ballistic when challenged. I have told him to stop the verbal abuse and that he is hurting me and the family with his behavior.

The children are adults and remember their father’s behavior. They are strong, independent, and love both parents. However, I know they will back their mother should a serious conflict arise.

There was a time in the marriage (about 10 years ago) when we were not intimate for over six months – I was going through pre menopause and my husband never initiated sexual contact. I did ask him about this but never received a clear answer. I was worried but unsure.

Two years ago I checked my husband’s lap top and found a website for escorts. I confronted him and he strongly denied using “such sites”. He stated that the websites were pop -up items that occur on any other computer. I also questioned him about the amount of monies spent and where did the cash go. He was able to show itemized expenditures to verify. The encounter was unproductive especially since I did not have enough facts/evidence.

Three days ago, we got into a serious argument about retrofitting our house for potential hurricane. My husband was reluctant but I pursued and said that I would contact a contractor. He went ballistic – cussing and swearing at me. Calling me names and telling me that he was tired of me “harassing” him for the last two to five years. He also stated that there have been times when coming home from work- he looked at our drive way and asked himself “do I really want to go home?”
This was irrelevant to what was being discussed.
Nonetheless, I was totally blindsided and hurt by his comments. I told my husband to leave if he was unhappy. I mentioned that I have always been satisfied with our marriage regardless of his ballistic behavior towards me. He reacted indifferent and continued to cuss and swear in spite of me asking him to stop….I was so angry that I slapped his face. My husband was about to react but he backed off and went outside. He wanted to talk later but I left the house to cool off- stunned by my action.

Later that evening, husband apologized but I did not respond. We continue to act civil but I am unsettled with this matter and I am getting paranoid. Looking at the past five years I wonder if my husband’s behavior is indicative of a wayward spouse OR am I just being unreasonable. I would like to attempt MC but I know husband will resist. He does not believe that he has a problem. Any advice is appreciated.

seethelight posted 7/15/2014 15:29 PM

It could be a mid life crisis.

Still, there are some red flags.

The picking fights. Being angry about taking care of the home, and doing normal house maintenance.

My wayward husband did those things. I attributed it to stress, but later learned through anonymous letter that he was having an affair.

I also learned that he was visiting strip clubs, places he claimed only losers went to.

Still, don't accuse him without proof.

Get a PI, if you can afford it. Put a voice activated recorder in his car or office. Hide it and use duct tape to keep it from moving around. Or have a friend follow him.

It could be just a mid life crisis.

ShiningAutumn8 posted 7/15/2014 15:59 PM

Ive never known escort sites to just pop-up.

My fiancé looks at porn, and even with that we don't ever get escort sites popping up.

Have you searched his computer and emails (sent, trash, spam)? I suspect you will fine more activity on these sites if you do.