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Arnold01 (original poster member #39751) posted at 9:25 PM on Tuesday, July 15th, 2014
Since it feels that my happy updates are too infrequent, thought I'd share a small positive update.
I have been prone to bouts of obsession with the OW (who I knew). Everything from comparing myself to her to wishing her all sorts of misery. For a long time I fell prey to looking her up on FB or searching her in the hopes of finding evidence that her husband had kicked her out, but online stalking only made me more miserable.
In May my husband looked her up on FB himself and I caught him. I have done some serious soul-searching about whether that was the final straw in our marriage. For now I am staying, but the extremely trying several weeks has taken its toll on me.
What I realized the other day, however, is that during this entire time, I've had zero desire to look her up and I have spent almost no time thinking about her. It's just not worth my energy, and it's really not relevant. My husband's looking her up wasn't about her, it was about him and his poor coping abilities. All of my energy and compassion and focus should be put into healing myself and doing my own work, and then into improving my marriage and supporting H as he does his own work. Devoting any time or energy to OW is at best a waste and at worst sets me back.
So do I still have a ton of my own work to do? Yes. Does my H still have a ton of work to do? Yes. Are there things that make me feel sad, hurt, hopeless, angry, grief-stricken? Absolutely. But is OW one of them? Not anymore!
Me: BW. Together 27y, M 24y
D-Day 1: June 2013
D-Day 2: December 2024
Divorced May 2025
Allornothing ( member #42354) posted at 1:07 AM on Wednesday, July 16th, 2014
Me- BS 44
Him- FWH 44
Married 20 years, Together 27
Kids- 24,23,16,15
D Day- 7 Sept 2013
OW- Irrelevant
gabear ( new member #43995) posted at 1:10 AM on Wednesday, July 16th, 2014
I hope to reach that point someday :)
Still in love just broken
hopefull77 ( member #43221) posted at 2:56 AM on Wednesday, July 16th, 2014
No disrespect here...but honestly she is a nothing in my mind....most of the time....at this stage she is a nothing to H...this is a good thing....
I hope she's figured herself out and moved on....
me-BS him-WS
" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now."
openedupmyeyes ( member #27871) posted at 10:41 AM on Wednesday, July 16th, 2014
↕↕↕↕↕↕↕↕↕
This is where I am now. I realize that she is nothing. It was always about him. She could have been anyone. She just offered.
Me:55 BS
Him:55 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:37
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.
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