Since it feels that my happy updates are too infrequent, thought I'd share a small positive update.
I have been prone to bouts of obsession with the OW (who I knew). Everything from comparing myself to her to wishing her all sorts of misery. For a long time I fell prey to looking her up on FB or searching her in the hopes of finding evidence that her husband had kicked her out, but online stalking only made me more miserable.
In May my husband looked her up on FB himself and I caught him. I have done some serious soul-searching about whether that was the final straw in our marriage. For now I am staying, but the extremely trying several weeks has taken its toll on me.
What I realized the other day, however, is that during this entire time, I've had zero desire to look her up and I have spent almost no time thinking about her. It's just not worth my energy, and it's really not relevant. My husband's looking her up wasn't about her, it was about him and his poor coping abilities. All of my energy and compassion and focus should be put into healing myself and doing my own work, and then into improving my marriage and supporting H as he does his own work. Devoting any time or energy to OW is at best a waste and at worst sets me back.
So do I still have a ton of my own work to do? Yes. Does my H still have a ton of work to do? Yes. Are there things that make me feel sad, hurt, hopeless, angry, grief-stricken? Absolutely. But is OW one of them? Not anymore!