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What the heck does this mean?

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justme1264 posted 7/15/2014 15:28 PM

What does this mean when my WS says, she wants me to be with someone who "loves me as much as I love her."

What kind of talk is that? It makes absolutely no sense to me. It sounds like a cop out to me. Why can't she be the person she wants me to have? Just thinking about this raises my blood pressure and frustrates me. It is such BS. I am going to talk to her more about this, but before I do I could use some insight. Because honestly, this could be a deal breaker. I am sick and tired of this sort of confusion.

Aubrie posted 7/15/2014 15:32 PM

I said the same thing when I was wallowing in self pity and too scared/lazy to do the hard work. It is a cop out.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 3:32 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

justme1264 posted 7/15/2014 15:35 PM

Thing is she is doing the hard work...NC, IC, dealing with me filing for divorce...truly moving mountains. She said this after we had a talk about her not "feeling" for me how she used to. meaning, excited for the little things, sex, etc etc etc of the defining aspects of being "in love."

A cop out... I think so, but a cop out for what if she's actually doing the hard work? Maybe a cop out for her own guilt. I don't know. I am just sick of it.

scream posted 7/15/2014 15:42 PM

I said something similar. Told my wife she deserves better than me. And she does. Just a much better version of the man I was. The man I am becoming. Might just be her way of letting you know what she is feeling about herself. Definetly talk to her. Let her know how it sounds to you.

Aubrie posted 7/15/2014 15:42 PM

I used it two ways.

1. Because I really did feel he deserved better than me.

2. Because I was wallowing. And it was a twisted way to keep him on the hook. Because if I spiraled, he would draw me in closer. "No honey, you don't understand. You are all I want." Ego kibbles. He pursued me when I was the one doing wrong. We were both excellent at shame spiral manipulation.

Both my reasons were intertwined. But it was mostly #2.

What is she actually doing in IC? Is she *really* digging into herself? Or are they talking about the martial dynamic? Self work is vastly different from marital stuff.

justme1264 posted 7/15/2014 15:47 PM

From what she tells me they are digging into her life only. When she last saw him, she told him she is working on her marriage. The only thing he told her was that it was "interesting" but quickly went back to working on her. From what I can tell he is a very good therapist and is keeping the focus on her.

Your #2 strikes a cord. looking back, what do you wish your husband had said or acted toward you when you were wallowing?

[This message edited by justme1264 at 3:48 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

Aubrie posted 7/15/2014 15:57 PM

I was engaged in bad behavior but didn't really *see* it as manipulation. And he was afraid of abandonment. He would always pull me closer. (He used the shame spiral and manipulation in other areas)

The ideal thing would for him to have seen it for what it was, and call me on it. He knew I was damaged, he knew I had issues. But he was at a total loss on how to handle me. Neither of us realized the "game" till much later. I hurt him so much with those stupid games. I made bad situations so much worse. I shudder to think of how much I tore him down and put my own wants and "needs" first. I put those scars on him. That's tough to live with. He is a stronger man today. But he put up with alot to get that strength and wisdom.

If she is working on herself, I dunno, she may seriously feel you deserve better. Cause you do. I would suggest talking to her about it. Find out why she said it. What she is thinking.

tired girl posted 7/15/2014 16:05 PM

I went through that a bit in the beginning, but not much. And I have a feeling that what she is doing is exactly what Aubrie is saying.

Now I did just go through it again, but on a much more serious note about 6 months ago. I had finally completely accepted who I was, and all my flaws, and I didn't feel that my H really should live with who I was. I felt he should either be on his own or find someone that could trust much easier than me. I wasn't going to change in the long run.

You see, I wasn't giving him the option or choice in it. So if she has come to a place where she truly feels you guys are incompatible, this may be what is going on. But I doubt it.

justme1264 posted 7/15/2014 16:26 PM

Aurbie - do you mind defining what you mean by bad behavior? The reason I ask is because I am a bit super vigilant now. I used to ignore red flag. But now after DD, I don't want to overlook ANYTHING.

Aubrie posted 7/15/2014 16:49 PM

I'm sorry, this was prior to Dday. I had 4 EAs. (Neither of us knew what they were called.)

He would question me about my interactions. Zero boundaries. Epic flirt. Selective in what I told QS. Selfish. Entitled. Reckless. Greedy. I was all *hair flip* "You just don't understand. Boohoo." Shame spiral. He would back off and I would go about my business.

I met AP4 and within 2 weeks it was reeeeally trashy. I told QS it was over. But it wasn't. I continued 2 to 3 more weeks. Sank into total debauchery. AP4 wanted to consummate. I panicked and confessed. Told my pastor first. Then QS.

Something in QS snapped. He found his strength. He has the support of our pastor. He did a version of a 180 without even knowing it. He said, "I forgive you. But I'm done. Show me what you got. I'm done messing with you."

I still had moments of "you're better of without me". He went thru so much with me. He deserves so much better. But for some odd reason he stayed. Even after all the hurt. I guess I finally did something right. I fixed me. He decided the new me was an ok girl.

We talk about everything now. I am very careful to think before I speak. Not to censor myself. But because I need to know what I think before I open my mouth and let it fly. I still slip. I'm getting healthy, not perfect. Anyway, we communicate. What do we mean when we say "XYZ" Do we have questions? Fear? Doubt? Uncertainty? Talk.

Your wife's behaviors should line up with her words. Watch her actions.

deena04 posted 7/15/2014 17:46 PM

It seems like that is an excuse. Maybe feeling a lack of self-worth and possibly throwing it in as an excuse to make him/her feel better?? I don't know, but that is what hit me at first upon reading that line. If my WS said that, I would tell him to get out and go find it!

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