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How did you get to that point? We were thinking that, but I really am not ready to do either. D will be final next month if all goes well (since R after, we were going to agree on terms that are fair and stay in our home together to R). Now, I am just not sure about R? The other option is stop D for a while, but it feels like letting him off the hook if I do that.

Deena, if you're never going to be able to experience being truly on your own (with him living somewhere else), then how can you possibly make an informed decision as whether you truly want to reconcile with him or not?

Living together in the house and being 'separated' or 'divorced' is still living together, and therefore, it's still a union, of sorts. You still can't really come and go as you please, you still run the household together in tandem, you still consult him on everyday matters, and you still share all the bills and everyday chores of a couple living together. That type of situation just doesn't really allow you to make a truly informed decision about your future.

Have you thought about stopping the divorce and maybe having him move in with a friend or family member for a few months so you can truly experience life on your own and have some time to yourself?

I get what you are saying. We are quietly divorcing to remarry, or that had been the plan. The kids have no idea! We were trying to R and go through this without them feeling the damage if possible. Now it seems separating is a good plan and they may just have to know.

Are there financial benefits for you if you divorce? Then you could leave a lot quicker probably later if that's what you want..

Do you want the protection of a D in case things don't work out?

Is it more of a "ceremonious" divorce, burying the dead marriage, with the possible rebirth of another marriage later, but coming at financial costs?

It sounds like you are still in limbo whether you want to reconcile.. I would say to watch your own back first during this time and do what is best for YOU.

And whether you separate or not, I think age-appropriate truth is best for kids...

I would talk to your lawyer to go over all the issues that could occur if you stop the process. A colleague of mine has a brother who did that. They were an inch away from divorce and tried to R. They started the D process again about a year later and now the big fight is over the date of separation. That date makes a huge difference in divorce court in terms of the distribution of assets and debt.

Since you are not sure whether you want to R, I would do whatever you can to protect yourself and your kids financially. If that means letting the D roll to the finish line, so be it.

I understand the feeling of wanting to divorce, even if you attempt to reconcile. I seriously considered it. The idea of divorce felt right for a while (but then again it didn't) because as far as I was concerned my husband killed the marriage. So why not finalize it? He definitely didn't want to divorce. I didn't see the financial benefit to do it and I did want to R. I didn't really change my mind as far as the marriage being dead and starting to rebuild a new one though. I wanted a very different and new marriage. In the end I didn't need the paper to signify that for me. I wasn't going to go out and date for example, so what was it going to prove other than let him know I was ready to divorce at any time. He already knew that.

What do you think R will look like for you if you divorce first? What difference will getting a divorce make to what you want or what you see for your future?

I wouldn't have married him if I knew he had cheated. Since he didn't tell me he had and felt it ok to marry me without me knowing, I feel like our marriage is BULLSHIT! Yes, we were living together and committed when this occurred, so it is cheating. I just need this for me. I need to end this. I find myself not wanting to go home when I am out and he is home, like right now when I am working and may get off early. It makes me want to not go home. I find myself just looking to get away from him. On second thought, the more I think and write, it sounds like R is not in the books, but I am not sure of that yet. I feel like R is hopeless and a waste of my time, but am not entirely sure yet and that is because of the kids and everything we've built. A lot is fear, too. Fear of being divorced and permanently single. Fear of what people think. Basically, I am a basketcase and really have no clue. What I need is time away from him, but unless we sell our home, that is not an option for either of us to move right now. Sorry for the pity party; life sucks today!

[This message edited by deena04 at 7:09 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

Sorry, no advice to give, but just wanted to let you know I get where your head is at. I am one who thinks about this constantly and play all sorts of scenarios in my head. We have elementary aged kids, so I do not want to interrupt their lives, but how can I address the need to close this door for me?

One thought that we have talked about is that the Unitarian Universalist church does a divorce ceremony called something like the Ceremony of Hope. How it is described isn't exactly what I am thinking, but maybe working with them you could have something tailored to your needs. In our case, I feel like we could something like either with them or on our own to ceremonially end of our marriage and down the road if and when we reconcile, we could do some sort of re-commitment ceremony. It is kind of a happy medium without going through an actual D.

Also, what helps me is that we agreed to take a year off from marriage to heal ourselves and then see where we are at. We are almost to a year when we made this decision, so it may actually be a bit longer in reality. In my head, it seems like at least there was a consequence, a decision made that I wasn't just going to jump right back in, and also when my family would ask me, I had an answer that I felt comfortable with and felt like I had sort of control over the situation.

Sending you strength (((deena04)))