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pizzalover posted 7/15/2014 18:01 PM

My BH said to me tonight that the only reason that I had an affair is that nobody knew. I recognize that the fact that no one knew allowed it to continue, but no one knowing is not the reason that I had it. (I am still working on those reasons). Has anyone else received this response from their BS?

tired girl posted 7/15/2014 21:18 PM

No. I think that this is him trying to make sense of what has happened. Just listen to what he has to say, it doesn't mean that it is your why, it just means that this is him trying to work it out in his head as well.

pizzalover posted 7/15/2014 21:24 PM

Thank you. I continue to listen to him and to try to understand how he is feeling.

AML04 posted 7/15/2014 21:56 PM

I agree he may be trying to work something out. My H had an A with a coworker and nobody in his life knew. It made it a heck of a lot easier for him to separate it.

Maybe he means being secretive was the attraction to you? That you had this thing that was all your own that nobody knew about?

[This message edited by AML04 at 9:56 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]

Stillstings posted 7/16/2014 01:57 AM

I have to say I'm sure people knew. Either that or they knew something was fishy.

They just never said anything for various reasons.

DrJekyll posted 7/16/2014 08:01 AM

One of the things I have noticed. our BS are always trying to come up with a "why" that makes sense to them. One of the drawbacks is that it will never make sense to them most of the time. because if it did they would be wayward with us.

my BS keeps trying to understand my "why" and presents alternative possibilities. ones that she can understand.

If you read into his thought. have you tried to reiterate what he is saying to you? It sounds to me that he is saying "you had your A and/or continued your A because it was a secret. So in the future be open and honest with me. And that would take the secret part out and may help to prevent a repeat offense. because I want to feel safe and that R is possible." that is what his statement sounds like to me.

pizzalover posted 7/16/2014 08:42 AM

Maybe he means being secretive was the attraction to you? That you had this thing that was all your own that nobody knew about?

AML04, I have to think about these statements. Perhaps the illicitness was an attraction - that makes me sick. My first sexual experience was illicit. I was sneaking around with a 19 year old when I was 15. I was pressured into sex. Maybe this shaped me for the future. The illicitness may have provided a foundation for future sexual experiences - doing it drunk or high for many of my experiences - mostly in college.

I have to say I'm sure people knew. Either that or they knew something was fishy. They just never said anything for various reasons.

Stillstings, hmmm I wonder. Maybe people did know.

One of the things I have noticed. our BS are always trying to come up with a "why" that makes sense to them. One of the drawbacks is that it will never make sense to them most of the time. because if it did they would be wayward with us.
my BS keeps trying to understand my "why" and presents alternative possibilities. ones that she can understand.

If you read into his thought. have you tried to reiterate what he is saying to you? It sounds to me that he is saying "you had your A and/or continued your A because it was a secret. So in the future be open and honest with me. And that would take the secret part out and may help to prevent a repeat offense. because I want to feel safe and that R is possible." that is what his statement sounds like to me.


My whys, or at least the whys I have come up with, don't make sense to him because to him they are illogical. He can't understand how I could have become this way and do this horrendous after 10 years of being one person. I keep digging into those reasons. My IC is on vacation which sucks because she is helping me with my thinking process and helping me to figure myself out. I like your thoughts as to what the meaning of his statement may be. I don't want to be secretive with him. I an being open with him, but sometimes it's so hard to understand myself and articulate what I am thinking.

[This message edited by pizzalover at 8:44 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

somethingremorse posted 7/16/2014 11:40 AM

Be careful here. I think there is a short jump from "you did it because no one knew" to "you'll do it again if you can hide it."

The second part may be running through his mind, even subconsiously.

Darkness Falls posted 7/16/2014 12:49 PM

"you'll do it again if you can hide it."

That was actually how I interpreted his statement.

pizzalover posted 7/16/2014 20:58 PM

Be careful here. I think there is a short jump from "you did it because no one knew" to "you'll do it again if you can hide it."
The second part may be running through his mind, even subconsiously

Somethingremorse, I didn't think about it that way but you may be right. He never thought I could hide (let alone do) anything like this and I was able to. I could never do what I did again, but I absolutely understand his concern.

Wayflost posted 7/16/2014 21:10 PM

I agree with the interpretation.

My BH is positive everyone BUT him knew. And, I have no idea what other people thought they knew, suspected, or deduced. I know that I never looked at anyone who wasn't an AP and voiced the reality that I was engaged in that scummy behavior. It was one of the many lies and disconnects in my WW mind.

But I also know that he now is confronted with the thought that this woman he never thought would have an A in the first place may actually be capable of much worse. it's a consequence of the decisions I made. And in IC I am working on that issue as well.

For me, keeping the consistent passwords, leaving my phone behind, and listening to him carefully are the things I can do in real time to show that I am not engaged in that behavior and way of thinking any more.

steppingup posted 7/18/2014 13:38 PM

Nobody knew any of my WW affairs and that IS A MAJOR problem.

She is protected (By me) to keep her dirty little issues safe and sound.

It is fuel for more APs and is why the truth now has to come out.

I think it will be hard for everyone but in the end might help WW with healing? Is that true anyone?

pizzalover posted 7/18/2014 13:48 PM

I think it will be hard for everyone but in the end might help WW with healing? Is that true anyone?

I am not sure what you're asking?

pizzalover posted 7/18/2014 13:51 PM

But I also know that he now is confronted with the thought that this woman he never thought would have an A in the first place may actually be capable of much worse. it's a consequence of the decisions I made. And in IC I am working on that issue as well.

Wayflost,
My BH keeps saying to me "What else are you capable of doing?" I understand that he feels like this. I couldn't ever do anything this fucked up and reprehensible ever again. I am working to earn back his trust so that he doesn't feel this way.

DrJekyll posted 7/18/2014 14:33 PM

steppingup

that is a decision that only you and your WW can decide.

I see two possibilities
1. you keep her dirty little secret, and as her BS you hold that intimate discussion between the two of you.

positive - may build trust and intimacy between you two.

negative - may be that fuel if she thinks she got away with it.

2. you expose that dirty little secret, and there is no more hiding.

positive - there would be no secrets, and the shame may be enough to curb any possibilities of future actions

negative - your family may shun her/you/the marriage. She may be less trusting of sharing secrets with you

Again these are only possibilities. We have told my family as so they understand why I am no longer communicating with them. But we have deciding to not tell my BS family as long as R is an option. If my BS decides to D, then we will let them know.

pizzalover posted 7/18/2014 14:46 PM

DrJekyll, thanks for responding to Steppingup's question. What you said makes sense. My family and BS's family all know as well as a handful of friends. I have been working to repair family relationships.

steppingup posted 7/18/2014 15:54 PM

yeah the short of what I was asking is:

Does it help to tell your family, or not? Does it help the WS get over AP/OW/OM, what is a typical responce to this news getting out to everyone>?

wifehad5 posted 7/18/2014 21:18 PM

steppingup,

Please ask your questions in the BS questions for WS thread in the I Can Relate forum.

The Wayward Forum is for Waywards to work out their feelings, not to answer BS questions.

Thank you,

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