SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

lovemywife4ever posted 7/15/2014 20:14 PM

She doesn't love me. Those words sting like a knife. All that can be done is for me to try to be better for her and to her. All I can do is love her and hope she will love me again. Does anyone else hear those words? Did anyone who reconciled hear them and worked hard and their spouse fell back in love with them? This is my hope. My fear is no matter how hard I try I ruined the best part of me.

Imabrokenman posted 7/15/2014 20:21 PM

Every phone call or text I send to my BW, I make sure I tell her "I love you." I have not heard those words from her in 6 weeks, and I don't expect to. This is the position I put myself in.

Do I hope I hear it again? Every minute of every day. Do I expect to hear it again? Right now, I am preparing myself to never hear it again from her. If I do, I will be the luckiest man in the world.

But, I will be a better man. I will make my resolutions, and live by them. I will be a safer partner. I will be someone who deserves her love. You need to focus on making yourself a better person, and hope and pray that she falls back in love with you. She did it once; she may be able to do it again.

lovemywife4ever posted 7/15/2014 20:25 PM

Thanks. She is a stubborn girl and a black and white, cut and dry kind of girl. I have actually never known anyone that can hold a grudge as good as she can. It is deserved when she does, though. She loves with all her heart but the opposite of that is true too.

LostTime posted 7/15/2014 20:37 PM

I feel your pain - I have read some of your posts and can relate in some ways. I have come to realize that in my case infidelity has been woven through my 20 year relationship with my BW like an tumorous tentacle.

The rage and anger I have felt and experienced from my BW is like nothing I will ever forget and it makes me ill what I have done and caused.

I believe in my heart she may still love me, but she is struggling to understand what is real because I lied about everything for so long - how can she believe anything? How can she know what is real anymore?

I do know that my BW has said every hurtful thing imaginable to me to make me feel a small portion of her pain and those words echo in my head every day. I used to punish myself and use it for self-pity now I try and use it as motivation to never look back and don't stop working to get to where I need to be.

Your BW may very well love you, she also may mean what she says - she probably goes back and forth like a yo yo. Believe me I obsessed about what ifs and does she and could she and held onto trying to find a way to fix the situation which just made it all worse.

Fix you and love her. I believe faith and hope are healthy and can be separate from obsessing or focusing on the outcome. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

Imabrokenman posted 7/16/2014 05:50 AM

She is a stubborn girl and a black and white, cut and dry kind of girl.

This describes my BW completely. Her biggest issue is her vow never to put up with infidelity. I have known her for over 30 years and she has always said that there is no way she would put up with it. Now, her biggest hang up is how can she go back on her personal vow. It would have been a lot easier had I come clean the first DD - now it seems like my inability to tell the complete truth early on has doomed any chance at reconciliation.

We all go through the self-mutilation when we feel that sting - beating ourselves up mercilessly. The goal is to take that beating, learn from it, and use it to become a better person.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 7/16/2014 06:58 AM

She doesn't love me. Those words sting like a knife.

Sure, those words might sting. But I can guarantee you that news of your A and the "sting" that is caused is not even remotely comparable in her eyes. In fact, she wouldn't be telling you that if she wasn't so hurt by it. I believe that love is not an emotion you simply turn off with a switch. Her telling you that is most likely a protective mechanism (maybe consciously or maybe subconsciously).

She is a stubborn girl and a black and white, cut and dry kind of girl. I have actually never known anyone that can hold a grudge as good as she can.

If you have hopes for R, it worries me that you say this. It puts the owness on your wife. She can't get over this because that girl can hold a grudge. Whether she can hold a grudge or not is completely beside the point. You have to do what is necessary to work on you. You need to become the person you want to be. Her response is not unreasonable. You demonstrated that you do not value your M. If that's changed then it's up to you to show her. It's up to you to do the work.

Calling her stubborn and a grudge holder will get you nowhere. Taking actions and changing your own behaviors can. Look, my BH has told me on numerous occasions that due to some of his own issues I picked the wrong guy to cheat on, I picked the wrong guy to try to R with. But here we are 4 years later making it work. The only way that could happen is if I owned my shit, showed some empathy, and changed my poor coping mechanisms. It's a lot of work but it can be done.

Its Better Now? posted 7/16/2014 13:33 PM

In fact lovemywife4ever, your use of the word "grudge" in any context as to her reactions to your A shows , in black and white, you still don't get it man. Own your shit dude. You could have had, ( and I pray you once again will deserve ) that precious love with all her heart. But you're going to have to get your mind right or you truly have not begun to "sting" yet.

Matilda23 posted 7/17/2014 01:44 AM

If you think hearing she doesn't love you stings like a knife, your affair stabbed her in the back. Now she is alone and bleeding with no one to help her heal the wound, because the person she thought she could trust was the one who put the knife through her heart. She is hurt and in pain and does not trust you. You need to show her and prove to her that she can.

BBF has not said "I love you" in 6 months. Yes it is very painful and I wish I could hear those words again. But it has not stopped me from learning his love language and showing him I love him and he is my priority. It has not stopped me from working harder than ever.

Keep working on yourself, she will notice the changes and she may start to open up to you. BBF has now shared his feelings with me, when before he was afraid to share them. Tonight, was the first time he hugged me and let me stay in his room. You can do it, just believe in yourself!