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WS...tell me if there is hope for us.

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Strangefacade posted 7/15/2014 22:17 PM

Ah, short background: my husband of almost eight years was sleeping with a girl at his work for a year. Dday was April, and I caught him, he's never willfully confessed anything. He supposedly broke it off yet a month later was talking to her again. He broke it off supposedly again when ow went crazy making threats against kids and I.
I've been on a roller coaster- some days willing to work on it, most days a swearing hateful mess. I filed for divorce, all the while monitoring his phone activity and questioning him. I went to ic, offered mc many times, he has not.
He moved out one month ago. We have three little ones together and he has really stepped up as their father- he responds whenever I ask him to stop over and help with the kids. We are mostly friendly and comfortable, yet I still throw in angry barbs uncontrollably when I can. As soon as kids are in bed, he leaves. Even when I ask him to stay.
He volunteers no personal information about his activities or feelings or whereabouts. I'll ask what he did last night, he responds with "not a whole lot"... So I have to ask specifics: where did you go, who did you see, what did you do. He answers, but there is no trust.
A few weeks ago, after my middle child was diagnosed with asthma we had about five days of sleepless nights- WS was fantastic. Loving with the kids, thoughtful to me. I initiated a conversation about where we were going, if we should try to work it out. He said he loved me and wanted to make it work. We slept together and slept in our bed. It was a great night.
The next day he was distant and short. When I asked what was wrong, he said he was mad about all the money I had wasted on the divorce attorney and having him move out. He said things were moving too fast and he "didn't want to get his hopes up to have me crush them again", since I change my mind everyday.
So our argument got heated and he left for the night. I gave him some space and tried not to press him. However, one night I lost power and a tornado hit near our area, so I tried to get a hold of him. No response. 24 hours later, I was worried, so I grabbed the kids and popped over to his apartment around noon.
Bad idea.
Know where this is going?
He took forever to answer the door, and when he did he was hungover, blood shot, and angry at me for just stopping by. I looked down and saw a pair of women's shoes, and hiding under his bed, a different woman from his old employment. He swears he just let her sleep off a drunk, that she slept in his bed, and he slept on the couch.
I went nuts.
And went no contact except for stuff about kids for a week.
And now we are current.
I've had time to digest everything. I love the man I knew so much I would forgive him anything. But this is not that man anymore...he told me today he loves me. But that's it. No forthcoming information about what he is doing, who he is talking to, if he misses me, if he even has any regrets. And I'm tired of asking and prying stuff out of him.
Is there any hope? Actions speak louder than words, I know, and he is saying in his actions that he is done.
But why is he still saying he loves me? Why isn't he willing to do any work?

tired girl posted 7/15/2014 22:32 PM

When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He has shown you. Believe him.

Twentyplus posted 7/15/2014 22:57 PM

Consider the possibility that he may be addicted to sex, alcohol, or both. The secrecy & denial are potential red flags.

Sure seems like a 180 would benefit you now.


RomanticInnocenc posted 7/15/2014 23:43 PM

Strangefacade I think you already know the answer, you are just hoping someone will tell you it's not true! It's called denial and it's a stage of grief. You are grieving the man you thought you were married to.

Why does he say he love you? Because he wants to throw you a tid bit to keep you on the hook, just in case HE decides he wants back in.

He is gas lighting, lying, being intentionally withdrawn. He might be great with the kids, truly love them, but at the moment that doesn't have any bearing on the relationship the two of you share. Being a great dad doesn't give him a pass on being a crappy husband.

There IS hope, but only if he decides that he wants to change and starts stepping up and you decide you can move past not only his affair but his subsequent abandonment of you and your marriage. That's a lot to get past, not impossible and certainly been done before, but you need both of you in it 100

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