DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)
I know the A wasn't because of me or something I wasn't doing. I know it's his issues but he still did it TO me.
My marriage and kids was my everything, yes 1950's I guess but I loved my life, I thought we were retry good for 17 years married. He tells me he wasn't unhappy that he still loved me, but how can you knowingly do that to someone you supposedly love. I will never be able to understand that, so in my logic, for that time he didn't love me. He wants to fix this, he wants us to work, but every single day I am in more pain than in ever thought possible. All the things I used to do for pleasure, just feel like a chore if I can even bring myself to do it.
I think of leaving but it would destroy the kids and when it comes down to it I guess I still love him because I can't imagine living without a marriage to him. But how do I stay with someon that chose to go back to her numerous times, he organised their hook ups, he took her to a work Christmas party, he took two of our sins out for the day with her to the war museum! How can I love a man that would do that? How could he hurt me so much that each day I dream of dying. The only things keeping me alive are our children and the fact I am 13 weeks pregnant with #7.
When will it not hurt like this, will it ever? I am so angry that he put us in this place because he didn't consider me enough to just leave.
How do you get to a point where you don't worry each day that he is still in contact with her? Nothing indicates he is, but it wouldn't be hard to take it underground ?
How do I ever feel special again? This has taken away any feelings I had of feeling like I meant a lot to him. Now I just feel like a worthless piece of crap. Am I settling for staying with him. Shouldn't I deserve better, but how can I trust anyone ever again? If I leave I ruin our kids because I couldn't forgive and move on.
I hate him for doing this to us, why do I still love him, the only man I have truly loved, who meant the world to me, who I believed loved me until death do us part.
I am seeing a psych and we starts with a new marriage counsellor on Monday. God it hope she can help because I need to see some glimmer that I can make it through this. Right now it feels totally hopeless, let me rephrase that, right now I feel totally hopeless.
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 7 kids (last a HB baby)
I always thought I was enough but ob