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How to stop it hurting so much

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stunnedmullet posted 7/15/2014 22:35 PM

I know the A wasn't because of me or something I wasn't doing. I know it's his issues but he still did it TO me.

My marriage and kids was my everything, yes 1950's I guess but I loved my life, I thought we were retry good for 17 years married. He tells me he wasn't unhappy that he still loved me, but how can you knowingly do that to someone you supposedly love. I will never be able to understand that, so in my logic, for that time he didn't love me. He wants to fix this, he wants us to work, but every single day I am in more pain than in ever thought possible. All the things I used to do for pleasure, just feel like a chore if I can even bring myself to do it.

I think of leaving but it would destroy the kids and when it comes down to it I guess I still love him because I can't imagine living without a marriage to him. But how do I stay with someon that chose to go back to her numerous times, he organised their hook ups, he took her to a work Christmas party, he took two of our sins out for the day with her to the war museum! How can I love a man that would do that? How could he hurt me so much that each day I dream of dying. The only things keeping me alive are our children and the fact I am 13 weeks pregnant with #7.

When will it not hurt like this, will it ever? I am so angry that he put us in this place because he didn't consider me enough to just leave.

How do you get to a point where you don't worry each day that he is still in contact with her? Nothing indicates he is, but it wouldn't be hard to take it underground ?

How do I ever feel special again? This has taken away any feelings I had of feeling like I meant a lot to him. Now I just feel like a worthless piece of crap. Am I settling for staying with him. Shouldn't I deserve better, but how can I trust anyone ever again? If I leave I ruin our kids because I couldn't forgive and move on.

I hate him for doing this to us, why do I still love him, the only man I have truly loved, who meant the world to me, who I believed loved me until death do us part.

I am seeing a psych and we starts with a new marriage counsellor on Monday. God it hope she can help because I need to see some glimmer that I can make it through this. Right now it feels totally hopeless, let me rephrase that, right now I feel totally hopeless.

peaceBmine posted 7/16/2014 00:15 AM

Not much help tonight as I am very much in the same place. Some days bring peace understanding and others just merciless anger. I do believe he still thought he loved me during the A...actually believed to some extent was making him a better husband. :( Sin, which by far is the best way to describe their actions, has ability like nothing else to cloud your thinking and make what is completely, utterly, and disgustingly wrong seem excuseable. Sin is such a sad state.

Try to take care of yourself and that baby. I pray the fog is lifted and that you find true reconciliation and peace.

MegM posted 7/16/2014 00:16 AM

Dear SM

I am so sorry you are hurting. It has only been 3 months sincie discovery for you - combined with what seems like some further disclosures - this means even less time has passed since you last wounding.

Where you are, the depth of pain, confusion and indecision is completely understandable. It is a place many of us have been, and I even will visit every now and then 2.5 yrs out.

I can hear how trapped you feel right now, through you posts. It is ok to take each day to work through your feelings and ride out the roller coaster. It is ok to not know what you want. Don't expect decisions from yourself right now and you husband certainly has no right to ask for them.

To begin to feel safe will take consistent full efforts from him and a lot of work and committment from you both.

It maybe that you decide in the future you can't trust within this marriage again, and it might be that you will choose to give him a chance to show this marriage is safe and he is a safe partner.

At the moment though - you are still in the 'emergency department' you still have very new wounds. some time ago I read an analogy here that likened it to 'first aid' and 'triage'.

I do know the best advice I got here (although it took me months to follow it) was to take care of myself, attend to my needs first, be concerned with my healing.

For me that meant seeing an excellent therapist - for me apart of my 'conditions' to consider reconciliation with husband was him sitting in on those sessions. Through this he heard the depth of pain and injury his actions had caused.

That was one of my first steps - making a list of the 'conditions' and ' environment' I required if I was to consider reconciliation at all. Only after they were established did I feel able to consider wether I wanted to stay in this marriage.

I would understand having 6 children and expecting another is an extrodinary daily committment and it must be a very real challenge to isolate the time you need to give to yourself.

Does he help with this? Does he step up with the children's needs so you can have space to move through your feelings?

I wish for you every possible bleesing SM.


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