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The pain in the words I Love You

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islesguy posted 7/16/2014 07:05 AM

Nothing hurts more that the roll of her eyes whenever I say the words I Love You to her which is not something I say often anymore. But can I blame her? Absolutely not, I said those same words to her through the 20 years of lies and cheating. So, I don't expect them to have any meaning now, they wouldn't if I were in her shoes. I wish there was another way to say to her:

"I know that I destroyed the meaning of the words I Love You because I certainly didn't show you love or respect when I said those words in the past, but I have a tremendous respect for those words now and do not take saying them lightly and when I do say them it is only when I feel overly compelled to do so when they come from deep in my heart and I say them already knowing how they will be received".

authenticnow posted 7/16/2014 07:29 AM

Have you said what you wrote here to her? For me, writing things down was an easier way to express my thoughts more clearly. Maybe a card telling her what you said here if you are having trouble expressing that to her?

Williesmom posted 7/16/2014 07:32 AM

When my former spouse would tell me that he loved me, it pissed me off.

When you love someone, you show it. Every fucking day. Walk the walk - don't just talk the talk. Every fucking day.

TheIrishGirl posted 7/16/2014 08:03 AM

No stop sign, so I'm responding as a BW. If you haven't yet, you should absolutely tell her what you wrote there. My WH was not very free with the ILYs before DDay. But I was. I said it often and easily, and meant it every single time. He thought I over-used it and it held little meaning (hello, projecting).

So now he says it. And it both hurts and helps me. Because I know that he means it now, and that he didn't mean it as much before. So I guess it's almost a trigger. And it hurts me that I can't say it back genuinely, so I don't. But I want to want to. I want to be able to say and mean those words, but it's physically painful, so I don't want to do it. Sometimes I can and do mean it. But more often I don't and can't say it.

Any chance her eye rolls are defensive, or self protecting? Almost like she doesn't know how to respond, so she just rejects hearing it?

islesguy posted 7/16/2014 08:27 AM

authenticnow, I probably have not said those exact words to her.

islesguy posted 7/16/2014 08:28 AM

Williesmom,

Thanks for your honesty. I know that my actions are more important than my words.

islesguy posted 7/16/2014 08:33 AM

TheIrishGirl,

Yes, I absolutely believe that she is protecting herself and that the words cause her pain to hear now. I don't think it is defensive. I think it just really pisses her off to hear me say something that has been shit on so badly and for so long. As far as her not knowing what to say, she knows what to say. She says don't bother, those words never meant anything to you or you would not have been able to treat me the way you did.

stunnedin12 posted 7/16/2014 09:36 AM

Have you ever followed up with WHY you love her?
What was it about that moment when you said, "I love you," to her that you loved? The way she looked, smiled, smelled, what was it? Were you away and you missed seeing her? Had she just made your day because she looked you square in the eye and you knew you had her heart at that moment?

I am betrayed spouse and wh is going to have to come up with a WHY when those words leave his mouth. (just my 2 cents worth) and it's going to need to be a specific why because obviously I as a betrayed spouse as a whole package wasn't enough before the affair.

Also, it wouldn't hurt to write out to your wife what you wrote in your first post.

sorrowfulmate posted 7/16/2014 09:50 AM

^^^^^ THIS

My BW wants to know specifics on why I love her. Its understandable, the words "I love you" are easy to say, and most of us throw them around like they are nothing at all.

Words are easy…

Action is harder

Back up your words with actions.

katumus posted 7/16/2014 10:10 AM

mispost sorry

[This message edited by katumus at 10:20 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

steadychevy posted 7/16/2014 10:54 AM

The words "I love you" really hurt. When my WW was traveling with her POSOM we would talk for up to an hour every night. I was always concerned about her because they were doing a very stressful road show presenting to audiences that sometimes had hostile attendees in up to 3 different towns in a day. When the conversation was going to be over we closed with things like "I love you", "I miss you", "I can't wait for you to get home". Then she would phone POSOM to come to her room for their sexual rendevous.

My WW never said "I love you" very much. I said it a lot. I needed to hear it and sometimes desperately. She usually only said it in reply to me.

Now when she says it it hurt like hell. And is it just another lie or is it real. Since DDay I accused her that she doesn't really know what love is and that she is not really capable of love. She did not disagree.

However, I still need her to tell me. Hurt or not. I still need it much more than I get. I still need "I am sorry for ....." much more than I am getting. She is still wallowing mostly in her own issues. Just my 2 cents worth.

[This message edited by steadychevy at 6:07 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

Its Better Now? posted 7/16/2014 11:23 AM

Still no Stop Sign.... I have to agree with the above comments. I asked WW to stop saying ILY shortly after dday. Like Williesmom said, it insulted me and pissed me off terribly. She said those words to me all the time for all the years she was in A or in contact with OM.

painfulpast posted 7/16/2014 11:47 AM

BS here - I agree that explaining why would help, but I don't think it's going to help all that much. Sorry - I wish it were that easy. The issue right now is she doesn't believe you. Adding more words isn't going to turn that around.

She'll stop rolling her eyes when she feels that you love her. That will take some time. Most BSs felt they were loved - even if they knew something was wrong but couldn't put their finger on it - during the A. A BS not only loses trust in the WS, we lose trust in ourselves. We believed things we shouldn't have.

IMO, your BW needs to feel that you love her, and that is going to take time, consistency, and effort. There's not 'quick fix'.

Hang in there. Things do get better.

Williesmom posted 7/16/2014 12:54 PM

islesguy -

Now that I've had my coffee....

I'm sorry that my initial post was so harsh, but it sounds like you understood what I was trying to say.

Words are so cheap. It almost felt to me like he was taking the easy way out by saying it, but not really doing the hard work like examining himself as to WHY and changing his actions so that I would feel safe.

I would agree that it would be better to hear "I love that you did XXX for me. Thank you." or "I love what you did with your hair - you are beautiful".

Thanks for actually caring enough to explore why this pisses off the BW.

20WrongsVs1 posted 7/16/2014 12:57 PM

Ouch, I can see how that would hurt. Just as your actions make BW's indignation totally understandable, even so, your pain isn't any less valid or real.

Do you think you say ILY less often, because of how it's received? This seems like a good conversation to have with BW, make it clear up front that you're not blaming her for your pain and that you completely understand why she struggles to believe your words now. Maybe ask her what she wants. Stop saying it? Keep saying it? Say it in a different way, "ILY because you're so ____ " ?

islesguy posted 7/16/2014 14:15 PM

20WrongsVs1,

I actually try not to say it because I know how it is received. The only times I do say it are when I am having a strong emotional response to something. As to your second question, she hasn't specifically said not to say it but has said I shouldn't bother saying it because it doesn't mean anything to her anyway.

steppingup posted 7/16/2014 14:31 PM

Isleguy,

My WW says I love you and I dont believe her, it can feel good but there is a logical disconnect.

Some advice from a BS to a WS: Dont just say "I love you" salt in wounds, because she used to say that to you and you took it for granted (apparently).

Say what and why you love her and what she does instead, for example. "that meal was the best, loved it, you are a great cook", "I am so grateful for your care of the children", "you make a warm and loving home", "because of you we have a loving family, I cherish it", "You are beautiful", "You amaze me, when...", "I just realized how cute you...is".

you get it. Now get on it.

SadieMae posted 7/16/2014 16:02 PM

Edited because I shouldn't try to edit from my phone.

[This message edited by SadieMae at 4:05 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

SadieMae posted 7/16/2014 16:04 PM

I had/sometimes still have a hard time hearing ILY, not because I don't believe that WH loves me. I do believe he does, in his own broken way. I have a hard time with it because of how easily be threw those words around with OW. (they had been texting for a week and still didn't know each other's last names even) I feel that he has no concept of what those words mean or represent, he treated them so cheaply.

Just thought I'd share another perspective.

Wayflost posted 7/16/2014 16:22 PM

Now when she says it it hurst [sic] like hell. And is it just another lie or is it real. Since DDay I accused her that she doesn't really know what love is and that she is not really capable of love. She did not disagree.

What steadychevy wrote here is something I have heard from my BH as well. When I say it he needs me to tell him what it means. I gave him a card a few months ago with a mushy romantic picture on the front of it. Inside I defined what I mean by love when I say it now.

But sometimes he still needs the reminder. Sometimes I tell him that I like something in particular about him. For example - the color of his eyes is unique, and reminds me a bit of wolves. I love that about him. That and he's just an amazing hunk of a man - along with being incredible in so many other ways. Many of those things are things I dismissed while in my As, or even trashed to other people.

I've asked if he wants me to stop telling him. So far, the answer is no. He needs to hear it, and keep hearing it. He needs to see me working, being proactive, and making amends. In time, I hope that my actions and words will be exactly parallel and that he will be able to believe in it again. I know it wont be any time soon, but we are working on it.

Keep your chin up.

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