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My radar is up with WH over a man!

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CatchyUsername posted 7/16/2014 07:11 AM

OK - this is the one that is making me think I am going insane...

We are one year+ since DDay. WH has been wonderful. No contact with OW. Remorseful. Attentive. Transparent.

About 9 months ago he joined a club and met a guy that he is now "best friends" with. They spend a ton of time texting. Joking. We have hung out with them as a couple. At some point we started referring to him as WH's "boyfriend" as a joke.

Well, now I am really uncomfortable with their relationship.

On one hand I should be happy he is making good guy friends. With guys that are in stable marriages.

On the other hand, something is just creeping me out.

deb3129 posted 7/16/2014 07:37 AM

I could have written this, as I am going through the same thing right now. On one hand I feel like an idiot for being concerned about another guy, but on the other hand I have learned that when I have these 'hunches' there is usually a reason. I am just not sure how to approach this one!

brokensmile322 posted 7/16/2014 07:39 AM

Two thoughts run through my now tainted mind….

One: The number he is texting IS the husband's number and not the wife's, right?

(I know, I know…. but, as I said, I am tainted. It would be the first thing I check these days. )

Two: I am all for friendships, etc… But I do think most (primary) of our emotional energy needs to be spent on our spouse/significant other. Any person- friend, parent, sibling, coworker- that starts to take on the primary role in the M is a threat. They call that triangulation.

If you are feeling second, it needs to be discussed, IMHO.

How are things going otherwise?

TheIrishGirl posted 7/16/2014 07:47 AM

Even if it's not romantic, this new BFF is getting all his attention and emotional energy. Even a fair amount of his time. That's what makes you uncomfortable.

And to PP's point about maybe he's in touch with the wife- I know a family that split because the wife was joining another couple in bed, so I can only assume her H thought everything was fine with her and the wife being BFFs until he learned that she was hopping in bed with both if them. Any possibility that's the case?

confused615 posted 7/16/2014 08:07 AM

..or he could be into guys, as well as girls.

It happens.

Even to those of us who a million years...would have thought the man they had been married to and in love with..for more than a decade...would cheat on us..with a MAN.

I know I was sure surprised.

However..if Im honest? A few months before Dday..I met my husband's best friend..a man he met on a hunting forum..a man he had gone to several archery tournaments with(sometimes my kids went too)...and from the moment I met him, I felt "off." My first thought was he was fooling around with my husband. Then I quickly realized what an ABSURD thought!

Then...2 months later...dday..he cheated with a man.

I never had a clue. Awesome sex. Passion. He loves me.

But he did it.

Listen to your gut.

Listen closely.

CatchyUsername posted 7/16/2014 08:44 AM

I talked to him about it and he is emphatic that it is nothing more than friendship. I feel like I must now start snooping again. UGH. I totally don't want to do this. He is VERY involved in this club. There is a weekend away thing this weekend and I am heading elsewhere and he had to make some major arrangements to still be able to attend this event. Is it because the event means a lot to him or because this guy means a lot to him? I don't know. It is really bugging me.

confused615 posted 7/16/2014 08:45 AM

Listen to your gut.

CatchyUsername posted 7/16/2014 09:42 AM

So how do I got about this? (the figuring it out part) It is not like with a woman - if I caught him alone with a woman or arranging to hang out with a woman I would immediately call foul. BUT - it is a guy and they are friends. Hanging out is normal, right? Do i hire a PI? Do I stalk them?

BrokenButTrying posted 7/16/2014 09:49 AM

Even if it's not romantic, this new BFF is getting all his attention and emotional energy. Even a fair amount of his time. That's what makes you uncomfortable

I agree with this.

Assuming that your WH is not hiding things about his sexuality from you, I think you are picking up that he has created a situation where his boundaries may be tested.
How much is he discussing the M with this friend? Do they discuss women, sex, previous sexual parters etc? Is he sharing too much? Is he telling his friend stuff he should be talking to you about? Is he now putting the emotional energy he put into the A into this new friendship?

It is not insane that you feel this way. Talk to WH, explain your concerns and discuss what can be done to ensure you feel safe.

2married2quit posted 7/16/2014 09:51 AM

Since DDAY, my FWW has had women hitting on her. There's one in particular she likes and they have talked about playing a bit. At first it was the "male fantasy" then later it bothered me. Now it doesn't, but she's been over the table with the whole thing and it's not daily. The point is that in my case, the A opened her up to her sexuality in a huge way. Her lesson was to NOT hide it from me.

So you two need to talk and set new boundaries.

confused615 posted 7/16/2014 10:33 AM

Hanging out is normal. And that is all it could be. I don't think, because of what happened in my marriage, that every man secretly wants to hook up with another man. That would be ridiculous. However, you are uncomfortable for a reason. And I think you really need to figure that out. The best advice on here is to listen to your gut. If you want to investigate, just to set your mind at ease, put a VAR in his car one day when you know they will be together. If it turns out it's just a good, healthy friendship, then you will feel better. if it turns out there *is* something else going on, then you will have information you absolutely need...for your health, your life, and your marriage.

FixYou71 posted 7/16/2014 17:24 PM

I agree that you should have a conversation with your H about the type of conversations they have and discuss boundaries. There should be boundaries in place that respect you, your marriage and that would prohibit conversations about other women, past sexual encounters etc. Some men are pigs and some would never go there. Friends tend to become more like each other.
I also agree that his main focus should be your relationship and, while healthy, responsible friendships that can include accountability etc. are good, they should never be taking away from building and nurturing the marriage.

Rebreather posted 7/16/2014 17:48 PM

What are their text message about? What is the tone of their conversation and interaction?

Something is bugging you. It could be just the fact that he is devoting any energy at all into a new relationship with 100% of that should be directed at you. Or, it could be something else.

You could always do the VAR.

Holly-Isis posted 7/16/2014 17:56 PM

It doesn't sound like the same situation but xOw1's "B"H used to have a relationship like that with MrH. He'd joke about MrH being his "Buttercup" (think Three Amigos).

Turns out he was testing MrH through that behavior- and other things- to see if he would be open to partner swapping and/or threesomes. Apparently he figured MrH was because he did ask.

Male/female and gay/straight- boundaries are important.

painfulpast posted 7/16/2014 18:13 PM

I don't think I'd bring it up again - but I would do the VAR, and I'd start checking the text messages, etc. to see for myself the nature of the relationship. He's going to insist it's just a friendship even if it's not. There aren't many men that are going to admit a sexual/romantic relationship with another man, no matter what.

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