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Ugh. Post divorce long distance R ended

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Salt posted 7/16/2014 10:47 AM

I am new to SI, my story is listed on my profile page. After a year after ex and I separated I met NG. He had been through similar to me, long term marriage and his wife cheated on him, end of marriage. He saw me through the worst period of my life. He is 10 years younger than me. He lives 3000 miles away.

He wants more and I don't think I can do it. He smokes (hate smoking), and doesn't have much ambition in his life. Is happy for me to pay for things, to support him actually. Suffers from what he calls cyclic depression. But he is so kind, the best listener, very smart, honest, faithful and I am closer to him than I have ever been to anyone in my life.

He says we need to stop talking because he needs to fall out of love for me. He wants to date, to have a relationship that's in the same town and I can't blame him. He says I could change all that by bringing him out to where I live but jeez I don't want to support another person. And I have a hard time with his depressions, reclusiveness.

Ugh just feeling low right now. I am 54 and honestly not looking forward to being alone again. Feeling thoughts like how will I find a person I like as much as him again? Feeling sad I have to go through this again. Fear I will spend the rest of my life alone. You mind and fears are running away with me. No one to share my day with anymore. Empty home. Hole in my heart again.

Sigh. I need some pickme up please?

norabird posted 7/16/2014 11:53 AM


It's hard to let go but it seems like you've hit a wall. His moving out there and being supported by you would not resolve the issue, just raise new ones and exaggerate old ones.

Eventually, being alone can come to seem like a gift. Give yourself time to mourn and to rediscover you, your friends, your interest, your happiness.

[This message edited by norabird at 11:53 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

monarchwings posted 7/16/2014 12:15 PM

I am so sorry its not working out for you. Gently, he's not the one. You deserve someone who emotionally healthy. That person wants to fux themselves in order to have a great relationship with you because you are perd on of beauty and integrity. What is he doing to help himself? What is he doing to make it work? If he is not contributing to the relationship and you unhappy in a year or more then you will be stuck with him. You deserve a healthy, equal partner...

Salt posted 7/16/2014 12:34 PM

I know I'm not thinking correctly. The grief is throwing me back to the grief when my marriage ended. I'm thinking how will I find someone as honest and with as much integrity as he? Someone who had my back like he did? And then at the same time I think he was looking at me like a meal ticket. Like I would rescue him from his "sad little life" as he called it. I just don't trust well at all anymore after what happened to me. And I don't want the alternative either, being safe and alone where no one can hurt me.

Ugh. I'm tired of having to be strong.

Eta and I'm angry to have to do this all over again. I'm not feeling very positive today.

[This message edited by Salt at 12:36 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

MovingUpward posted 7/16/2014 12:44 PM


jo2love posted 7/16/2014 12:50 PM


norabird posted 7/16/2014 13:34 PM

Not everyone will deserve our trust. That's too bad but it doesn't mean you are malfunctioning to withhold trust.

There ARE other honest people who will treat you well. Don't let fear of being alone make you stick with someone who is not on the level that you deserve.

It's okay to be sad and angry; let yourself be hurt, but know that it's temporary. There's still a future out there for you and it can be a great one--especially once you figure out this being alone business for what it is, instead of dreading it and being willing to settle for less as a result.

cayc posted 7/16/2014 15:00 PM

I had to make a very similar decision re: a guy recently. And like you said, in all ways he was a perfect fit except .... I would be the breadwinner and his idk, whatever you call it that put him in a black mood that would be turned on me. I probably could have looked past the breadwinner part, but the black mood stopped me. Idk, that feeling of having to rescue someone felt crappy too.

I'll be 48 in November and really feel like I've passed my sell by date. Who is going to want someone as old as me? Who has no kids? So I hear you. That feeling of you should have settled because the companionship on offer was fabulous, but deep down you knew you shouldn't ... and now it's hard to live with the result of that decision because you miss the companionship and it's making you doubt your choice.

Since we both just made it, I have to believe it's because that internal rational part of us that knows it's wrong to have to completely rescue someone is the correct part of our gut to listen too.


Salt posted 7/16/2014 16:20 PM

You all are right. I was feeling I should have settled. I'm having those thoughts that say I won't ever meet anyone who will understand me or love me as much as he does. I'm feeling like I am throwing away something precious over things that shouldn't be as important as I am making them.

At the same time, I don't respect him because he's ok with making me pay for things. Because he doesn't really want to make anything of himself at all. I mean store clerk kind of thing (part time assistant store manager for a penny store kind of place). I don't mean to sound like a snob but I have a job with a lot of responsibility for a thought leadership company. If he were an artist or had almost any kind of profession he was passionate about I would feel better than just don't want to work much want to play video games attitude. And I don't trust him because I wonder in the back of my mind if he is being honest, if I am just a meal ticket.

Maybe you are right, maybe my intuition is working. I just still feel so damaged. I've made progress since my divorce 2 years ago, but not where I would like to be at all.

I haven't had much time to do the alone part of healing after my divorce.

lifestoshort posted 7/16/2014 19:26 PM

this is how my ex was and quite honestly the same age so I hope its not him.

RUN. nice is not enough. sure my ex was nice, and caring... but he didnt ever work, he took money, he lied to me, he lied to lots of others including the VA disability people... and when i could not take anymore, he threatened and scared me. BECAUSE he was addicted to me. I was a possesion.

a person who doesnt want to take care of you the right way is not a person you need in your life- unless they are handicaped and you feel obligated to help them. but a person who can work, especially a man, SHOULD. I have lived this life and love will not sure all. paying the bills on time and having someone wake up and shower daily or have ambition to do things is important. keep walking on.

lifestoshort posted 7/16/2014 19:26 PM

and btw, I love your signature sentence. I completely understand that line :)

Chippednotbroken posted 7/16/2014 21:56 PM

Why settle for mediocre when you know fire exists?
Be honest with yourself. He had like one good thing, he listened. Everything else sounds horribly draining.

Salt posted 7/16/2014 22:17 PM

I think a large part is that I feel so utterly alone. And it hurts. If I were younger I think it would be easier. But I am 54 and feeling very down about being so alone. I just don't feel very hopeful. I just didn't expect to be here at this point in my life. I've fought through so much.

Salt posted 7/16/2014 22:23 PM

Thankyou Lifestoshort,
I'm not feeling it today I'm afraid.

InnerLight posted 7/17/2014 10:20 AM

I am sorry for this loss and all your losses. There is a lot of grief to process. It doesn't sound like fun, but now you will be able to tend to your grief which will help you clear the gunk out of your system. It does suck to be alone, especially in the rubble of a break up. But this is a winter that will nourish your next spring.

Women our age (I'm 53) have so much value to offer our communities. Modern life is doesn't always reflect this in media, but we have physical strength plus decades of experience that starts to blossom into wisdom. There are men our age who are attracted to same age women as partners in life. I find I am also attracted to men my age rather than younger ones because of that experience. So consider the benefits of age rather than thinking no one will want you. I'm sorry but it's just not true that your age prevents a meaningful relationship and sense of value in the years to come.

It really bites to find yourself alone, but this too shall pass. You have beauty and value and are needed. So grieve, release old pain, and get the support you need for this. Be kind to yourself. Then, naturally you will find yourself in another rebirth stage.

Charity411 posted 7/17/2014 11:06 AM

((((salt)))) I understand how you feel. I dated someone like that only it wasn't long distance. He was such a great listner and we had such great conversations it was easy for me to ignore the fact that he was slowly draining me financially. I finally started to notice when I could see that he was doing it to other people as well. It's funny how I noticed that first.

It was hard breaking up with him. I still miss the conversations, but as time goes by I am more and more grateful that I walked away when I did. I think you'll feel better with time as well.

Salt posted 7/17/2014 11:41 AM

Thank you guys. These posts from you are really helping me. I just hate being on this trajectory again. And I think because I got involved with NG before I had fully processed my grief over my marriage ending I still have this unprocessed stuff to deal with. I don't regret ending my marriage, and I don't regret my decision with NG, but it just sucks having to be strong and hurting again.

I just really feel stuck on my age as well. I am told I look younger but I am just really feeling it lately like my options are limited, etc etc.

norabird posted 7/17/2014 13:08 PM

Have you read any books to help process? "Living and Loving After Betrayal" by Steven Stosny, or "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot? Also "The Grief Club" by Melody Beattie.

It sounds like it's time to face the mourning process. It's not fun, but if you let yourself dive into it, you will be amazed at how much letting the feelings out sets you free.

Salt posted 7/18/2014 10:23 AM

I've read many many books as I was going through separation then divorce from my ex.

Breaking up with NG, however is a more recent event. I have read the Grief Club recently and think very highly of it.

This ending is hard because he is a good person. He just does share the same professional values as I do, but he's comfortable with me taking the lead financially. When I boil it down that is where the rub lies. He has no real ambition. And he's OK with me taking the financial lead.

You are right, I am afraid to let him go because I am afraid I won't find anyone else. So I am continuing to feel this pull to settle. I haven't but I am continuing to feel this pull.

Maybe I should start a new thread on this topic about settling?

wonderingbull posted 7/18/2014 16:27 PM

I'm 54 and am 7.5 years out... I've had some fun times with the couple of women I dated but I don't regret one bit not being with them anymore...

The way it's worked is that I think about it and feel about for a bit after the breakup and then... I have had some time to file away the crappy things they did, were, said or are and I understand why I'm not with them...

Not saying I don't miss the company at times but I'm happy without them...


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