I am going to be 62 in a few months. WSO is already 62. His AP is 37. All three DDs have been with her, over the course of about 16 years, which means she was 21 when they started seeing each other, she's 37 now. R is going well this time. I didn't really deal with it the last two times, at least not appropriately. We're working on it this time, not just sweeping it under the rug... but, I'm 62. I can't be 37. My body is not 37 and not surgically enhanced with fake boobs. I can't compete with her on this level. I've lost 25 pounds and I work on myself every day, even though he swears I'm beautiful and sexy, I don't believe him. He didn't cheat with a woman my own age, he sought out a younger woman, so this is obviously important to him, right?
My therapist wanted to talk about my self-esteem. I don't have a problem with my self-esteem, I know who I am and what my strengths are. I know I'm worthy of love and I do respect myself. But I have no control over what he wants and needs and if that's youth... how do I give him that? Are we doomed to repeat this? He swears it had nothing to do with me, he does everything he can to make me feel attractive, but when we touch, or he looks at me, I think he compares us and I come up lacking. I know that if I left him and went looking for a man there are many that would want to be with me. That's not an issue. Is this what other women feel? How does he do more to convince me? How do I convince myself? Last year I know he was probably with her on my birthday, before he took me out for dinner. This is going to be a tough one, and I just want to say 'let's skip it altogether this year'. Anyone have a pep talk for me?
As for the 37yo body... Sure, it may have looked nice. But she didn't have the perspective on life and love that you do. I see that you have a blended family, not sure if any of those kids are shared by you, but if so, you have a body that created and birthed his children. Nobody will ever be able to compete with that. And if not, you have the body that comforted them.
And when you get down to it, he chose her because she was easy and vulnerable. It didn't have much to do with her packaging.
Now go enjoy your special day. And be proud of all that your body has done and can do.
I think what is much more likely, is he found a vulnerable, inexperienced child who was probably fawning all over him. It fed him ego kibbles and I would have to guess, he was in charge the whole time. I am more sure it was about this kind of control than her perky boobs.
His affair isn't about YOU. It isn't about HER. It is about HIM. Sometimes as BS's we get fixated on things that maybe aren't the core issues. The fact is, your spouse had a VERY inappropriate relationship with someone far younger than him for 16 years. What does that say about him? What kind of broken causes that? What on earth is he going to do to fix that?
My WH's OW was older than BOTH of us, but quite attractive. I struggle with having put on some weight and starting to age some being the reason for the A, but in my heart I know that's just my hurt talking. The A for us was about the Ego Kibbles he has ALWAYS desparately needed and desired. It is one of my weaknesses (expressing respect, affirmation and appreciation) and it is his love language without a doubt. (No, I'm NOT taking blame for the A, just my part pre-A that made it attractive for him.) I am really struggling with this now as well as it is very hard to respect and affirm someone that you doubt so much and that has caused this pain. Since we are in R, I am TRYING, but it is HARD!!!
Know that YOU are not the reason for the A and rest in that.