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Things I can't be for him

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JLyn1128 posted 7/16/2014 12:08 PM

Needing some support. I've been lurking on this site all day...for the first time in a while and not knowing why. But I think I do now, and I'm really in the dumps over this

I am going to be 62 in a few months. WSO is already 62. His AP is 37. All three DDs have been with her, over the course of about 16 years, which means she was 21 when they started seeing each other, she's 37 now. R is going well this time. I didn't really deal with it the last two times, at least not appropriately. We're working on it this time, not just sweeping it under the rug... but, I'm 62. I can't be 37. My body is not 37 and not surgically enhanced with fake boobs. I can't compete with her on this level. I've lost 25 pounds and I work on myself every day, even though he swears I'm beautiful and sexy, I don't believe him. He didn't cheat with a woman my own age, he sought out a younger woman, so this is obviously important to him, right?

My therapist wanted to talk about my self-esteem. I don't have a problem with my self-esteem, I know who I am and what my strengths are. I know I'm worthy of love and I do respect myself. But I have no control over what he wants and needs and if that's youth... how do I give him that? Are we doomed to repeat this? He swears it had nothing to do with me, he does everything he can to make me feel attractive, but when we touch, or he looks at me, I think he compares us and I come up lacking. I know that if I left him and went looking for a man there are many that would want to be with me. That's not an issue. Is this what other women feel? How does he do more to convince me? How do I convince myself? Last year I know he was probably with her on my birthday, before he took me out for dinner. This is going to be a tough one, and I just want to say 'let's skip it altogether this year'. Anyone have a pep talk for me?

TheIrishGirl posted 7/16/2014 12:40 PM

It's YOUR birthday. She can't have that. So have your SO take you out and focus on you and spoil you. Maybe part of his penance is making a big deal out of your birthday to make sure that you feel special and loved on that day in particular.

As for the 37yo body... Sure, it may have looked nice. But she didn't have the perspective on life and love that you do. I see that you have a blended family, not sure if any of those kids are shared by you, but if so, you have a body that created and birthed his children. Nobody will ever be able to compete with that. And if not, you have the body that comforted them.

And when you get down to it, he chose her because she was easy and vulnerable. It didn't have much to do with her packaging.

Now go enjoy your special day. And be proud of all that your body has done and can do.

Rebreather posted 7/16/2014 12:52 PM

You are putting an awful lot of your thoughts into his mind. Do you really think he cheated with her for 16 years because of her youth? I mean, there is a difference in the bodies of a 21 year old and a 37 year old FOR SURE.

I think what is much more likely, is he found a vulnerable, inexperienced child who was probably fawning all over him. It fed him ego kibbles and I would have to guess, he was in charge the whole time. I am more sure it was about this kind of control than her perky boobs.

His affair isn't about YOU. It isn't about HER. It is about HIM. Sometimes as BS's we get fixated on things that maybe aren't the core issues. The fact is, your spouse had a VERY inappropriate relationship with someone far younger than him for 16 years. What does that say about him? What kind of broken causes that? What on earth is he going to do to fix that?

JLyn1128 posted 7/16/2014 14:44 PM

Thanks to both. "Ego Kibbles" Boy, I love that. Hit the nail on the head. Young girl with 'daddy' issues and old man with ego problems is a recipe for disaster, isn't it. I know it's wrong to assign my own fear into his motivation and I'm trying. I refuse to think of her as a 'victim'. She's been awful to me. I think she thinks if she makes me mad enough I'll leave and she can move in. I could forgive her for being part of this mess... she didn't start it. But her true character shows through the ugly texts and letters she's sent me. Doesn't absolve him of the blame...but he's working on it this time. The first time they went out she followed him into the men's room of the bar and had sex with him there. He says he should have run then, but didn't. Weak.

peaceBmine posted 7/16/2014 17:35 PM

I couldn't agree with Rebreather more. Youth is most likely the easiest place to get the kibbles they desire.

My WH's OW was older than BOTH of us, but quite attractive. I struggle with having put on some weight and starting to age some being the reason for the A, but in my heart I know that's just my hurt talking. The A for us was about the Ego Kibbles he has ALWAYS desparately needed and desired. It is one of my weaknesses (expressing respect, affirmation and appreciation) and it is his love language without a doubt. (No, I'm NOT taking blame for the A, just my part pre-A that made it attractive for him.) I am really struggling with this now as well as it is very hard to respect and affirm someone that you doubt so much and that has caused this pain. Since we are in R, I am TRYING, but it is HARD!!!

Know that YOU are not the reason for the A and rest in that.

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