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Feeling like I'm not getting enough from WW 11 days into R.

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PBST2 posted 7/16/2014 12:36 PM

We're 11 days into our R efforts. Some days have been really good, some days bad. I guess that's par for the course. The best days have been weekends, including a couple date nights and a 1-night local getaway. The worst days have been during the week when we're both at work, and I'm having trouble focusing on my work and doing a good job because my thoughts are wandering. During the weekday evenings I have not always been satisfied with how things are between WW and me. I feel like I am giving everything I have towards this R, but I still feel somewhat alone. WW says she is trying her best, so Iím not sure what to do. When I bring up how I'm feeling while weíre laying in bed, a couple times she has become defensive and withdrawn, which angers me to the point that I leave the bedroom. She always comes to find me after some time and comforts me.

I do believe that the A is over. I do believe that she really wants this R, but I'm just not sure if it's for the right reasons (because she really wants to be with ME, or she just wants to keep our family together?). She is being transparent. She is doing a good job of letting me know where she is with phone calls, texts, and picture messages. She has cried and told me how sorry she is that she hurt me. She agreed to leave her job if I decided that was necessary for my peace-of-mind. I can tell she does want to spend time with me. There are all of these positives, but what's really bothering me is what I perceive as a lack of sexual desire and passion for me.

Just to give a bit of background, our sex life was pathetic before the A. Our marriage had major issues, a lot of them due to lack of communication and me taking her for granted to some extent, and a lot of the time we were resentful of each other. We didn't have a strong desire for one another, and I would guess we were only having sex once every 1-2 months (even before the A). After D-day, it was as if my feelings for her suddenly all came back to life. I feel a desire for her almost like I did when we were first dating 14 years ago. I want her every night, and multiple times when I have the opportunity. I actually feel closer to her now than I have in many years, and I honestly think our marriage could emerge MUCH better than it was before the A.

The problem is that now that weíre well into week 2 of R, she seems content with sex every 4-5 days, and even then itís always me who initiates things. I have tried every night to initiate things by being close to her, stroking her body with my hands, kissing her, etc., but she is not reciprocating. She demonstrates lots of non-sexual affection, e.g. laying on me or next to me, holding my hand, hugging me, etc., but most nights it doesnít go beyond this. It has started to really bother me, and this morning we had a phone conversation during which I told her all of this. The conversation started with her essentially complaining about how tired she is, because she feels the need to stay awake and be close to me until I fall asleep, because otherwise I toss and turn and anger starts building within me as I think about everything that has happened. I explained to her that whatís troubling me the most is that she doesnít seem to be reciprocating the same desire for intimacy as me. Her response was that I canít expect her to instantly go from sex once every 1-2 months to wanting sex every night. I told her that I think about how she scheduled weekly marathon sex sessions with her AP, and I contrast that with how little sexual desire I am feeling from her. She tells me that itís not fair for me to compare what we have to her affair. Iím not exactly sure what she meant, but Iím guessing sheís saying that the novelty and excitement of the affair made her want AP sexually much more than she has wanted me. It makes sense to me, but should I be okay with that? Is it rational of me to expect her to feel differently, to have reinvigorated feelings for me now that make our relationship just as exciting as the A?

I asked her to try a bit harder, because itís really important for me to feel wanted in that way right now. Even if she has no desire for sex, I asked her to think about initiating things with me. I told her this would go a long way for me. Am I doing the right thing? Do I just need to get over how Iím feeling and accept that I want her sexually more than she wants me right now?

painfulpast posted 7/16/2014 13:03 PM

Hello PBST2, I'm sorry you're dealing with this nightmare. It's horrible, and all encompassing. You're 2 weeks in - that's barely getting through the doorway. At 2 weeks out, things are still being processed by both parties. What are the new dynamics, what are the trouble spots, etc. Are you both going to MC? IC?

Regarding wanting sex all the time - many couples go through 'hysterical bonding', which is another term for wanting sex constantly. She makes it seem like she's giving in to the 4-5 times per week. Do you know if that's the case? Also - if she could schedule marathon sex with AP, then you absolutely CAN compare what she's giving you to what she willingly jumped through hoops to give to AP.

Forgive me, but I don't know your full story. Was she caught or did she confess? Was the A still ongoing on DDay? If so, and you're only 2 weeks in, she very well may be missing her AP. I'm sorry - I know that's painful, but it happens.

You've taken the first few steps in a 10,000 step journey. R is long - years, and it's hard. It's much harder, for both parties, than I think anyone can comprehend soon after DDay. Regardless of how far along you are, or what your expectations are for the future - her comment that 'you can't compare her A to your M' is a complete cop-out. She could go out of her way and lie to the world to have sex with OM? Well guess what? She needs to put that same effort into her M.

R takes effort from both parties, but make no mistake - she broke it, and she needs to be doing the heavy lifting right now. If she's shamelessly saying she won't put the same effort into your M that she put into the A, there's a problem imo.

PBST2 posted 7/16/2014 14:23 PM

I caught her in the affair just 2 days after her and AP mutually agreed to end the PA (I have proof of this). However, a couple of weeks later I discovered EA was ongoing and I went into self-preservation mode based on advice given here. She agreed to my conditions for R after a 3-day "standoff". No IC or MC for us currently. We tried 1 MC session between D-day 1 and 2, and it was a joke because she wasn't all-in and the therapist spent the whole time focusing on our childhoods and marriage before the A. I don't have plans to go back at the moment, but that might change depending on how things go.

We've had HB a few times between D-day 1 and D-day 2, and only a couple times right after I agreed to R. She acted noticeably different, like she was trying harder, in the days right after the D-days. That bothers me, but I'm not sure what to make of it. It suggests to me that she isn't giving 100% all of the time, only when she thinks she's losing me. She tells me otherwise though.

I know she misses her AP and has very strong feelings for him. She admitted this to me just the other day. Yes, it bothers me, but it doesn't surprise me and I'm glad she's being honest. What do you mean by "she needs to put the same effort into her M (as she did into meeting up with AP)"? Are you saying she should be putting aside her needs for the moment and doing what I've asked (meaning initiating sex with me even when she doesn't feel like it)?

I'm going to see how the next few days go. I need her to at least make an effort to leave her "comfort zone" and try to reach out to me like I've asked. If I don't get that, I'm really not sure what to do. Many days I'm just miserable because I can't stop obsessing about everything, and this is making her miserable too. "Not Just Friends" suggests that it is normal for WS to suppress, and BS to obsess. I don't think I can force that to change, but I'm just looking for a little more effort.

[This message edited by PBST2 at 2:25 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

Schadenfreude posted 7/16/2014 14:31 PM

Ask her point blank why it's an unfair comparison. Don't guess

Badhurt posted 7/16/2014 14:33 PM

She is still working with him and sees him every day for 8 hours. You need to tell her she better concentrate on you and get out of this fog or she can have him.
If you do not get her away from him you will not rest easy because the threat is right there every day.
The longer you let her carry this torch the harder it will be to extinguish. Don't accept it or coddle her about it.
Those books are also written for people committed yes committed to R.
You can't commit carrying the torch for AP you see every day.

The next DDay will be no easier. Do not waste your money on MC until YOU feel you are getting what you need.

gottabeabiggirl posted 7/16/2014 14:47 PM

Hi there,

I just want to share a bit, not sure if it will help or not.

When I first found 3 months ago the same thing came over me with my WH. We have always had a healthy intimate life of 1-2 times a week if not 5 or more. However it became suddenly 2-3x a day because I just wanted it so bad, it was so nice to have a pleasant distraction and to feel close.

Then reality set it about a month or so out and all that changed. Now its hard for me to even be with my WH 1-2 a week. I do it to keep the connection there but there is so much anger so much pain.

There is little remorse from him so far. He is trying to be comforting and stays awake with me as well but most days he complains about how hard it is and how much he is tired of trying.

I have no been able to sleep lately much due to the anger I have for this, I am looking into getting some ambien from my doctor. On days I can sleep I am much better able to handle my emotions than the days I can't, it makes such a different.

I guess to sum up everything, you are just starting to recover and for me things went from where you are to a much different place after the reality really sunk in.

Allow yourself to feel the different emotions and don't every feel guilty for it, you are not responsible for where you are right now and don't tolerate your wife making you feel like the bad guy.

Find a hobby, like exercise, to help take your mind off of it. The exercise actually helps you sleep better as well.

Feel free to ask for advice anytime you need it, I will do my best to share what I can.

Good luck and stay strong my friend.

FixYou71 posted 7/16/2014 17:09 PM

If it is true that she is with A partner 8 hours a day that would be a deal breaker for me if she were not willing to look for and find other employment stat.
As for your desire for physical intimacy, that is normal. You're most likely trying to reclaim your wife. It's a psychology thing.
I had some of the same issues...wanting it all the time, even when my H was exhausted because I'd kept him up too late the night before and he's not a night person. I had to rearrange my thinking a bit and try to keep my urges a bit more under control for my sake (automatically feeling rejected when logically that wasn't the case) and for his sake as he was staying up later to try and help me not feel he didnt want to spend time with me etc.
Since the A is recent and your wife admitted to her feelings for AP there is bound to be a disconnect in there. NC is the very first thing that has to happen. Seeing him is not gonna work. She needs NC. So do you.
As for MC, I suggest giving I another try but first do some phone screening and find one who actually knows what they're doing when dealing with infidelity.
If you are interested in a good list of questions for a phone consult I can post a good one that another member posted a while back. It's how she found just the right MC. Sounds like you had the wrong one. Most here swear IC was the biggest help, each of you working on yourselves and coming together for MC.

1Faith posted 7/16/2014 17:31 PM


BS here.

Reconciliation is a journey not a race. Slow down a bit.


I do think you are wanting things to be "better" and "normal" right away. And with only 11 days in I am not sure that is realistic.

On average it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair. 2-5 years.

There are so many emotions swirling around on both sides. Your hurt, dismay, confusion. If she is truly remorseful then she is dealing with guilt, dismay, disgust with herself, questioning how/why you would even want to be with her.

I perceive as a lack of sexual desire

Again, I am a BS but my FWH and I dealt with something similar so just putting out a POV, not defending your W.

If she is truly remorseful, she is ashamed. She feels disgusted with herself and doesn't feel attractive as a person. It may be hard for her to feel worthy of your love, physical or emotional.

It takes TIME to heal. Time to work through all those emotions on both sides.

You can't fast track this healing. Believe me I know. I just wanted to get past it and move on. Well all those emotions have a tricky way of sneaking up on you. Triggers will happen.

Your are still distracted at work (understandable). You are still processing what has happened. It has only been 11 days. Most people are still walking around in shock at 11 days and feel accomplished when they manage a shower.

Your wife's actions will start to build trust if she is truly remorseful. Big things and little things not just sex.

More sex is not going to be the reason you have a successful R and a happy marriage going forward. It is only one component. You are seeking reassurance through sexual intimacy. Normal but not sustainable long term.

Do I just need to get over how Iím feeling

No. Your feelings are yours. I would say however, that you both need to get into IC to process what has occurred in your marriage and what is a healthy and manageable way to deal with all the hurt and betrayal that has occurred.

Your W needs to understand how and why she allowed herself to cheat so she can ensure she won't allow herself to go down this path again.

MC down the road might help you to discuss your marriage, your concerns and work together to build a stronger relationship that includes sex but isn't based on it.

Deep breaths. Don't rush yourself to "fix" this. There is a lot to process and sadly it does just take time.

Good luck.


[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:35 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

Tren0R201 posted 7/16/2014 17:34 PM

She works with OM, has strong feelings for him and you're still questioning why she doesn't want you sexually?

You're only 11 days in. That really is nothing in the grand scheme because R can take a very long time.
You feel something is missing? She detached and may have difficulties being on a level anything more than friendship at the moment, hence the holding hands and everything else.

But she still works with OM. Affair over or not, you can't R when she sees more of him during the week than you.

painfulpast posted 7/16/2014 17:43 PM

If she's flat out admitting she has 'very strong feelings' for AP, is she looking for a new job? If I were in your shoes, I would say she needs to quit, now. Not when she finds a new job, but NOW.

She's still in the A in her head. She's seeing him every day, all day. At this rate, if they don't end up back together within a month, I'd be shocked.

She needs him out of her life yesterday.

On a side note, and I've said this before, I have no idea how some BSs deal with a WS that is still completely all in emotionally with the AP. My H had ended his a months before I found out. I know me - and I know my mindset in the first few weeks. If I felt, at any point, that I wasn't getting my needs met because he was still hung up on OW, I'd be divorced right now. I had an extremely difficult time staying with him and he had zero feelings for her, and I know factually he ended it. She begged for more - he ignored her. I have the emails.

If he had, for a minute, made my life worse than he already had because he cared so much for her, he would have been gone, instantly.

She will never stop her 'strong feelings' if she spends 40+ hours a week with him.

Badhurt posted 7/17/2014 10:04 AM


If i remember right, there was also a private e mail account she did not want to give up, AND she was really pissed at how you let OM wife know. At that time you said his world was a mess because of your actions in that other people now also knew.

Your WW wife may still resent how you blew up her affair. It is important that you know if possible if OM wife is still with him, or has thrown him out, or what status is. Sounds like she is NOT co-operating with you.

The bottom line is it is no co-incidence that week days are harder for you. No one posting sees any solution to hasten her having anything to do with this guy other than switching jobs and if she is not actively looking then she is hoping she can still be around him and you will let it pass.

It has only been 11 days since you blew up her world. I think she thought she had you fooled, got caught, and still internally is upset about that.
Imagine what would be going on if you had not followed advice given to you.

You do not let someone who has been banging AP be around them more time than with you and expect any of the results you want. She obviously banged him because there was a physical attraction AND emotional connection. We all know that. Imagine if the situation was reversed and you spent 8-10 hours a day in close proximity to girl that you were having an affair with. You think you would just put it out of your mind so quick. This is not fog. It is proximity. You MUST end that or if the AP and wife split or AP decides he wants to risk it all again, you are going to have a disastrous situation.

JanaGreen posted 7/17/2014 10:21 AM

I completely agree that she needs to get the hell out of that job. Like, yesterday.

tired girl posted 7/17/2014 11:58 AM

You are experiencing hysterical bonding, she is not. Probably because she is still working with him. She needs to quit that job. Like now. And then you ensure that she is fully NC. After that, see if you notice a difference.

Mac4 posted 7/17/2014 12:39 PM

PBST2, I think I could have written almost the same post. I too feel that my WW doesn't really have the desire for sexual intimacy that I do. There are issues with your WW detaching from the AP and getting out of the fog, this is even more difficult if she see's him every day. Establishing NC with a new job may be necessary. Also, echoing 1 Faith, your WW may also be upset and disgusted with herself about her actions which makes it difficult to be intimate with you.

Of course R takes time, 2 years is the average time for recovery that I have seen, but certainly can be longer to rebuild trust and restore intimacy. So hang in there, be honest with your WW about what you need from her, be patient, and don't lose sight of the goal. I've told myself that R will only be possible for me if my marriage is healther and stronger than during or before the A, and I hope the same for you. Best of luck.

wert posted 7/17/2014 13:38 PM

I think I get where you are coming from. My W worked with OM. She had "strong feelings" for him. She found it "hard." She was not overly affectionate towards me. I got pissed. I suggest you do that same.

This may seem counter intuitive, but R is not about saving your M. It's about saving you. If she doesn't like that then you won't stay M'd, but YOU can still recover. If she decides she wants to continue to ride at the PBSR2 fun park, then great.

As I read your posts you are worried about her. What she is doing, if she loves you, if she wants you, yada, yada, yada. What do you want? IMO that is the only question a BS really needs to ask themselves. What do you want?

Forgot R until the following has happened:

1) Get yourself an hour or so all by yourself. Start thinking of what you really want your life to look like. What do you love to do. Make a plan to do it. Take the kids on vacation without your W. Take a camping trip by yourself. Join a sports league. Hang out with the fella's. In short, get your head space back into focusing on you and not on her. Forget your M, its dead anyway.

2) NC - No Contact means none. That includes work. Tell her she has 2 weeks to figure that out. He can leave (get proof) she can leave or else you will start the process of breaking up the M. Don't tell her when, take your own sweet time, but start that process if she does not agree to it. She can never see him again and if she does, she needs to explain it to you proactively. Tell your W that you want it to work out between you, but she needs to get into IC and figure out how she allowed herself to violate her promise to you and most importantly how she allowed herself to lie, cheat and steal herself. Why is she not an authentic person who tells the truth? Why did she violate her own ethics? Why did she betray herself? She needs to figure out what she values and explain that to you, but first she needs to understand it herself.

3) Get thee to a lawyer - Does not matter if you D or not. She should know you are going, she should know that you are only taking steps any rational person would after being cheated on. You are making decisions to find out exactly where you sit financially and legally after your W emotionally and physically left the M. Get papers written up to divorce and have the lawyer keep them.

4) Figure out where every cent is. Figure out exactly how you want that money split up. Then talk to the lawyer about how that all works. It is critical for you to know this stuff so you can make decisions about your life.

5) Get a calendar out and get busy with life. Make a plan for every minute of every day at first. Build in some you time at the library or where ever to read here on SI and about recovery from trauma. Find new friends, start building a support system outside of your W, join a new sports team, club or group. Hang out with friends, do things you love.

6) Get into IC with the express intent of healing YOU not your M. Figure out what you want out of life and have a pro help you.

Forget about sex for a while with your W. What I recommend is giving the above about a month or so. If after that amount of time your W is NC, has quit her job and is in IC, talk to her about R. Included in the R contract can be regular sex with her if you want that.

In short - break off from your W, figure out what you want moving forward, explain your terms to her and what she needs to do and then watch her. While you are watching get out and have fun. She is not the end all be all of anything. You are. She only becomes important again if she stops being an idiot and really changes into a person you want to spend time with again. She's has some work to do on herself. If she does it, then hit MC. If she does it, then tell her you will snuggle. If she does it, tell her you can try an R with her for the M. Until then, its all about you.

take care...

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