blakesteele - to me this sounds like a normal, healthy grieving process
Early on....I started to grieve, but then owned waaayyy too much of my wifes shit.
Mid-way....i started to grieve, but then anger and rage took over.
Now.....I grieve, but appear to be retracting into myself. Last night I took 30 extra minutes between work and getting home to just cry in my truck....finally found the courage to get home and hit the pool with my daughters and my niece that was up for the week.
This is grieving. In your post I see initial shock, denial and bargaining (self blame...if only I did this, etc), anger and now depression/self reflection. Keep in mind it's not a linear cycle, and these stages can all intermix. What part of your grieving feels unhealthy to you? The fact that it hasn't resolved itself or fixed the problem? I ask because I am also a fixer and grieving isn't about fixing anything, it's about reaching acceptance and growing in the process (IMO). We cannot fix this, we cannot control this or the Ws future actions, it cannot be undone and so we have to deal with the emotions buried deep inside us from it. Ones that our analytical minds don't even allow us to feel or recognize. When I first started with IC she wanted me to feel where the grief hit me in my body, physical signs of grief. At first I wanted to use my mind, wander through the thoughts, but she said to just feel where I had pain and through this those physical symptoms would actually reduce. She also told me to accept my emotions as they come up, welcome them instead of fight them - allow them to be heard, so they stop screaming at me. So much to grasp for the analytical mind!
I think when you sit and give yourself time to grieve it's less about analyzing the whys, less about what the WS did, less about how to fix it or wondering if it will resolve, less about allowing the mind to wander...all these things are in a way reinjuring us, reliving experiences that are in the past and cannot be undone, trying to rationalize the irrational. It's about just turning the brain off for a bit and feeling what the body is trying to tell you. It's about just recognizing the pain instead of stuffing it back down deep inside ourselves. Some people journal but I found my analytical side would just write facts instead of emotions, some talk to friends and IC to just get it all out, some meditate and I find this works better for me to just feel the pain rather than analyze it. You'll have to find what really works for you to just feel the pain and recognize what emotion it's bringing up in you. It's not about seeking answers, its about feeling the emotions and acknowledging them so they don't try to overwhelm us. I find now when I start to feel teary eyed, then I recognize 'oh there's something important here' and I focus on it, allow myself to feel that pain instead of taking a deep breath and wiping my eyes, stuffing it back down inside for another day. Those tears are emotions coming to the surface, ones I don't even recognize until I really focus on them and once I do, they usually subside much more peacefully then if I try to fight them.
IMO you have to allow yourself to feel what you're feeling. There will be times that you feel things that are not loving and compassionate towards your WS. There will be times you feel things that make you want to run away from them and never come back, or question your decision to R. But if you fight these feelings and don't acknowledge them, then what happens? they stay buried within us, leading to fear, anger and resent. We can't just focus on the emotions that keep us on the path to R and acceptance, we have to accept all the emotions to truly grieve the experience. Accepting an emotion doesn't mean it will become a reality, it simply means you acknowledge that it is within you...all your emotions are ok to recognize, even the hurtful ones although from experience I would advise that anger does not ever end. No matter how much of it you get out, there will always be more of it acting as a shield to your vulnerability...I found this one out the hard way around 8-10m out. I know there are days I don't know if we'll make it in R. Those days are ok. He did something terrible and my fight or flight response is reminding me of that. It doesn't mean I'm not still committed to R, it just means I have fear in me - an emotion that is OK to have. Once I recognize that fear, it stops plaguing me and making me feel overwhelmed.
Sorry to ramble, but hopefully some of this makes sense. It's been a long process for me to even figure out my emotions, to even feel them. I am trying not to overwhelm myself with looking at the big picture and instead focus on now. Yes, I have FOO issues that have led to my coping mechanisms and increased my pain in this situation, but there is already so much to digest from the As that I chose to focus on the pain that is present right now...tackling a lifetime of hurt and understanding each and every injury or heartache is overwhelming at best. I recognize that I put up walls because of my past, I know that my FOO issues added fuel to the current fire because the As touched on old pain, but my current situation to grieve is the As. I know some IC will feel that it all has to be grieved together, but I am trying to just focus on the here and now with a realization/recognition of past traumas that have shaped our recovery instead of delving into all of them at once. When I read your posts, I get the sense that you are perhaps trying to analyze and explain all of it, looking for answers as I have been doing as well, instead of just allowing yourself to genuinely feel the hurt, betrayed, vulnerable and whatever other emotion you may feel from the aftermath. Grieving doesn't necessarily give us an 'end result' quickly, it is a process and any grieving you are doing is releasing some of the emotions buried within you. Focus on how you're feeling at the start of the grieving time and at the end of it. Does your body feel relaxed or tight? Do your pains subside or strengthen? Acknowledging those pains you feel, should help them subside. I know it does for me, but it took me a long time to 'get there' because it's not a brain thing, it's a heart/emotional thing.
