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When does the trust return?

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Hsrk295 posted 7/16/2014 13:36 PM

I'm married 21 years with four children. I found out 7 months ago that my husband and coworker had been texting each other. He swore it would stop, but I found more text exchanges two separate times. Then after I tracked his phone I found him in the back of a parking lot in her car. He swears nothing physical has happened, that he wants to be with me but I neither believe anything he says nor do I trust him. This happened three weeks ago. I'm trying, but don't know what to do. I don't want to keep bringing it up because there is nothing he can do to prove to me that it is over. When will these feelings subside or am I being a complete fool?

seethelight posted 7/16/2014 13:44 PM


Sadly I don't think anyone here can answer your question definitively. Each situation is different.

With that said, it sounds as if your husband's affair on an emotional level has gone underground and the two are still very chemically connected to each other.

You need to ensure no contact.

Has he sent a no contact letter that you have approved?

If not, he must do so.

Also, ask him to take a polygraph to determined if it's an emotional or physical affair at this point.

Shirly Glass, in not just friends talks about having a detective fund, so you can check on him.

You are not being a fool. It seems as if you caught him with his hand in the cookie jar.

You can't have a true chance at reconciliation until he goes no contact with the OW.

Edited to add: Also if the OW is married please tell her husband, that alone may ensure no more contact.

[This message edited by seethelight at 1:45 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

TheIrishGirl posted 7/16/2014 13:50 PM

It will return long after he earns it. He needs to demonstrate consistently, over a long period of time, that he is dealing with you truthfully. Once you've lived with that, you'll begin to internalize it and trust him again.

You need to make sure he sees this as a big deal right now. It sounds like you caught him in the same lie before, he said, 'oh, okay, it's nothing, and I'll stop if you want' but then went back to it. It was a lie by omission, maybe he could try to play dumb. Now it's a to-your-face lie.

He needs to do a no contact letter and stand by it. He needs to be very transparent with you- you need full access to his phone at all times, and to know where he is and who he is with at all times. You don't trust him, and have good reason not to.

Then, while you may not want to talk about it all the time, you need to talk about it. Find out what it was, how long it was, how it started, how he rationalized it, how he is going to do something else in the future. Get the books. Get into counseling. This is really happening, and it really is a big deal. If he can't face the music, he isn't about to change his behavior.

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