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Newest Member: WOPR (61467)

User Topic: NC issue
♀ 43927
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a slight issue with NC. I have honored NC with my AP, and so far, he has done the same. That is not a problem. The problem is that two people from his organization are coming to a meeting that I have organized for next week. In the first couple days after DDay, BH said that I wasn't to have anything to do with with AP's organization. The issue is that it is a big part of my job. I can't call in sick or skip the meeting next week.

The two people from this organization are meaningless and have nothing to do with anything. I let my BH know the situation I am in and I asked him to work with me on this. I am also in the beginning stages of looking for a new job. Am I out of line?

BS responses are okay, but please be gentle.

[This message edited by tangledknot at 2:23 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I let my BH know the situation I am in and I asked him to work with me on this
And what was his response?

It's not a matter of you being out of line, it's a matter of your BH being uncomfortable with this and the two of you figuring out a solution together.

If this is an unavoidable situation and your BH is still uncomfortable with it you can either quit the job, or stay there knowing he isn't comfortable at the risk of your R and your H's healing.

What does 'beginning stages of looking for a new job' mean exactly?

"If you want to know who your tribe is, speak your truth, then see who sticks around. Those are the people who get a spot in your blanket fort." -Nanea Hoffman

Posts: 55119 | Registered: Sep 2007
♂ 42650
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, I see no issue with this arragement. I would however be extra communicative with him on that day and try to scheulde something special thereafter, ie., something you both can look forward to.

If you are honestly trying to improve, then you have my sincere congratulations and God Speed in your recovery.

Gentle is as gentle does...

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: New York
♀ 43927
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


BH is not happy. He says he is glad that I told him, however. Other than that, it's been crickets. I am sure we will talk about it further tonight.

The new job thing is tricky. I have been in the same organization for my entire career. I have slowly moved up the ladder, but I have never expressly looked for a new job. I admit that I have some major insecurity about that, but I am going to work diligently toward that. We don't have a timeline, but this time next year, I need to be working somewhere else.

It would be nice to quit, but I the breadwinner.

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
♀ 37168
Member # 37168
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, I wouldn't have issues with people from same organisation so long as OM was not included. Maybe you could tell you BS the time of the meeting, text or call him immediately before and after to say how it went. Not the business details, but talk about your feelings. Was it odd meeting people from the org again, did it remind you of OM, how did you feel, sick, guilty, nothing etc. Do the colleagues mention OM by name, was this difficult for you, how etc.

Your BH needs to understand what you are going through when you meet with contacts of OM. If it is tough for you, tell him and explain why. Discuss with Bh in advance what you can do to make him feel safe, keep in touch thought and discuss with him afterwards.

That would have helped me

Posts: 281 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tangledknot- i understand where your spouse is coming from. Myhusband is still business associates with OW1's boss and many people he associates with in the business world in our community know all three of them- OW2 as well. I hate it. It just seems too close for comfort to me. I'm sure nothing is going on. But it triggers me terribly. I guess I stand that the BS has had to put up with a lot. There should be as few triggers as possible.
As a FWW I would do this , no questions asked, no inconviemece too big. It may not make sense. So what.
Look for that new job ASAP.

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♂ 23014
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, July 16th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW continued to work at her work place after we were supposed to be reconciling. I found out years later that she had talked to him at work. I would have divored on the spot if I had know. Your husband wants YOU to make this decision w/o his telling you what to do. What is the MOST important thing in your life right now? What could you live w/o? Husband or job? Which will you regret on your deathbed?

Posts: 540 | Registered: Feb 2009
♂ 44014
Member # 44014
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry but you still are acting wayward. Quit your job make your husband comfortable. Make him and his feelings priority or just give the guy a break and divorce him. Do you not realize Everytime u go to work and there is any chance of contact kills him. Not trying to be mean just saying

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: South
SI Staff
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 5:52 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You have a PM.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
♀ 1330
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a tough one, as you are trying to balance your husband's need to be emotionally safe with financial reality. Can you try and talk it out and come up with a plan? After all, OM is NOT a part of this, correct? Just folks from his company, right?

See if you can't agree on a way to handle this that doesn't put your job (hence the family livelihood) and his emotions (hence your marriage and its repair) at risk.


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 31262 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
♂ 43618
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

discuss with your BS about the job. I still work with an AP. Her desk is 15 feet from mine. I have offered to quit, but that will cost us the house and cars. So she said no. But I am constantly looking for another job. Going on interviews. And helping my BS feel as comfortable as she can be.

Is there a way you can turn over those meetings to a coworker? Maybe not able to get it done by this meeting, but maybe the next one? Discuss with your BS quitting and what the true cost of it is. And search for a new job. Search hard.

A wound can be stitched shut, but it decides when it will heal on its own.

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
♀ 30891
Member # 30891
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, July 20th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, completely understand the "scorched earth" thinking it sounds like your BS has, where everything connected to the A, no matter how remotely, needs to be stricken from the face of the earth.

For me, though, that was the anger and fear and insecurity talking. It was the only way i could see at the time to maybe feel safe. But then friends and IC brought me back to reality. The organization/employer didnt cause the A, that was all on my xSO. Were there individuals who aided the A? Yep! But they were dealt with as people, not the org.

Personally I think the request unreasonable. Only a BS can decide what they need, but it also needs to be reasonable and doable and this doesn't siund like its either.

Good luck!

Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
♀ 43927
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 21st (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a little update. BH said he chooses to focus on the fact that I told him rather than hiding it. My wayward instinct was to hide the information from him. AP will not be at this event, just two people from his organization. I tried to get out of it, but to no avail. It's just the way it is in this situation.

I am actively looking for new employment and even exploring the idea of quitting altogether, maybe switching gears and doing something completely different.

Thanks for your responses.

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
♀ 40144
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you did well and I think your BH did too. I know we can discuss the "ideal" scenario here (find a new job, boycott the meeting), but in real life, we have a lot of issues that need consideration. I think you both did that. Kudos.

Biggest suggestion I have mimics some above. Communicate with your BH as much or as soon as possible after the meeting. My WH had to attend an event where the OW was in the limelight. He HAD to attend. However, he didn't tell me beforehand. That caused more distrust. By complete accident, I discovered he was there, and confronted immediately via text. He bent over backwards then to explain he didn't talk to her, or come within 20 feet of her, and didn't stay for the luncheon. He got out and called me immediately. His actions after helped, but he should've been honest beforehand. You did that. Good on you. Now, be sure to reassure him after. View each as an opportunity to build trust.

Me: BS49+ 😝, Him: WH 51
M 24 years - DD21 DS19 DS16
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, S for 1 year, now Reconciling

Posts: 1482 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
♀ 41583
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats! I know it may not feel like much, but it sounds like you two had a victory in relationship building here.

Keep up the good work.

"Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly."

Posts: 760 | Registered: Dec 2013
♂ 42834
Member # 42834
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems good that you asked him and are addressing this concern. It includes him in the process. I don't know what to say but that seems like a good step.

Her-BS (deena04)
Upper 30s and kids at home (hers/mine/ours)
Cheater-me 2.5 years into relationship, 2 months before engagement, 1.5 year before M...this is not an excuse but a timeline of our life
Now: real love and maturing

Posts: 457 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ 25733
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do the people from the OM's company know about the A?

BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger

Posts: 341 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
♀ 43927
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I have no idea. The lady had a knowing looking in her eye, but I think that is my own paranoia. I really didn't talk to either of them.

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
♂ 2569
Member # 2569
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I was betrayed by a GF of eight years. She worked with the OM, so I can empathise with your BH. I my situation my GF was (and still is) working for a very prestigious hospital, her career was important to her, and she was the breadwinner while I was in school.

You did the right thing by letting him know as soon as you found out about the meeting and let him contribute to the outcome. My xWGF always told me about breaking the NC days or weeks after, and only if I asked multiple times.

I hope that everything works out for your BH and you.


Me: BH (44)
Her: WW (37)(EAish)
Dday 7/23/14
Dday #2 9/9/14
TT #1 10/4/14
TT #2 10/14/14
Doubt I have the whole truth
D final 4/7/16

Posts: 201 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Vermont
Topic Posts: 19

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