The two people from this organization are meaningless and have nothing to do with anything. I let my BH know the situation I am in and I asked him to work with me on this. I am also in the beginning stages of looking for a new job. Am I out of line?
BS responses are okay, but please be gentle.
[This message edited by tangledknot at 2:23 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]
I let my BH know the situation I am in and I asked him to work with me on this
It's not a matter of you being out of line, it's a matter of your BH being uncomfortable with this and the two of you figuring out a solution together.
If this is an unavoidable situation and your BH is still uncomfortable with it you can either quit the job, or stay there knowing he isn't comfortable at the risk of your R and your H's healing.
What does 'beginning stages of looking for a new job' mean exactly?
If you are honestly trying to improve, then you have my sincere congratulations and God Speed in your recovery.
Gentle is as gentle does...
BH is not happy. He says he is glad that I told him, however. Other than that, it's been crickets. I am sure we will talk about it further tonight.
The new job thing is tricky. I have been in the same organization for my entire career. I have slowly moved up the ladder, but I have never expressly looked for a new job. I admit that I have some major insecurity about that, but I am going to work diligently toward that. We don't have a timeline, but this time next year, I need to be working somewhere else.
It would be nice to quit, but I the breadwinner.
Your BH needs to understand what you are going through when you meet with contacts of OM. If it is tough for you, tell him and explain why. Discuss with Bh in advance what you can do to make him feel safe, keep in touch thought and discuss with him afterwards.
That would have helped me
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
You have a PM.
See if you can't agree on a way to handle this that doesn't put your job (hence the family livelihood) and his emotions (hence your marriage and its repair) at risk.
Is there a way you can turn over those meetings to a coworker? Maybe not able to get it done by this meeting, but maybe the next one? Discuss with your BS quitting and what the true cost of it is. And search for a new job. Search hard.
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
For me, though, that was the anger and fear and insecurity talking. It was the only way i could see at the time to maybe feel safe. But then friends and IC brought me back to reality. The organization/employer didnt cause the A, that was all on my xSO. Were there individuals who aided the A? Yep! But they were dealt with as people, not the org.
Personally I think the request unreasonable. Only a BS can decide what they need, but it also needs to be reasonable and doable and this doesn't siund like its either.
I am actively looking for new employment and even exploring the idea of quitting altogether, maybe switching gears and doing something completely different.
Thanks for your responses.
Biggest suggestion I have mimics some above. Communicate with your BH as much or as soon as possible after the meeting. My WH had to attend an event where the OW was in the limelight. He HAD to attend. However, he didn't tell me beforehand. That caused more distrust. By complete accident, I discovered he was there, and confronted immediately via text. He bent over backwards then to explain he didn't talk to her, or come within 20 feet of her, and didn't stay for the luncheon. He got out and called me immediately. His actions after helped, but he should've been honest beforehand. You did that. Good on you. Now, be sure to reassure him after. View each as an opportunity to build trust.
Keep up the good work.
Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger
I have no idea. The lady had a knowing looking in her eye, but I think that is my own paranoia. I really didn't talk to either of them.
I was betrayed by a GF of eight years. She worked with the OM, so I can empathise with your BH. I my situation my GF was (and still is) working for a very prestigious hospital, her career was important to her, and she was the breadwinner while I was in school.
You did the right thing by letting him know as soon as you found out about the meeting and let him contribute to the outcome. My xWGF always told me about breaking the NC days or weeks after, and only if I asked multiple times.
I hope that everything works out for your BH and you.