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Imabrokenman posted 7/16/2014 19:51 PM

BW texted and asked if I could meet for dinner. Unfortunately, I had a dinner meeting and was unable to, but told her I would cancel to meet with her.

My heart leapt when she asked - I thought it was a really good sign.

I called her and she said she had some things to say in person, we could meet Thursday night and that no matter what, she would always care about me.

My heart sunk.

I said that it sounded like she has made a decision (about D or R) and she said she had. I know she wants to divorce.

This breaks my heart. I know I am making strides through IC, I know I am a better person than the person I was, I know I have a ways to go but I am well on my way. And the rug is suddenly pulled from under me.

My first priority has been changing myself. I need to be a better person. But it hurts so much knowing that I have ruined so much.

I want to regret working on myself first and not on reconciliation, but I know that would be counterproductive. It still hurts.

But I put myself in this position. I did this. I have to live with the ramifications.

It still sucks. I love my wife.

DrJekyll posted 7/16/2014 21:39 PM

My heart goes out to you.

You have done the right thing, you have to work on yourself. You cannot "Fix" the M until you "Fix" you. After 18 years of M, I am sure that your BS loves you too. And is going to hurt badly if you D.

Be encouraged. Even in D. You can show her the new and improved you. You can be the best you. The safe you. Be amicable. Be loving and caring. Show her even through this process, the love that is inside you. And That you are not that monster anymore. You will have the real opportunity through D and afterward, to show her.

R is still possible after D.

I can understand that feeling of hope and then crash down into despair. Sending you strength and will pray for you tonight.

Make sure that you never give up on what is most important. And that is YOU. because with or without her you cannot be a safe partner without healing you.

caspers1wish posted 7/16/2014 21:43 PM

I'm sorry this hurts so much. Please do not have regrets for working on yourself, it is a major part of reconciliation, however, it isn't the reason for it. Sometimes, infidelity is a deal breaker, as it should be. Keep working on you. You become a better person for you, for those who come into your life later, even for those you've hurt and become a part of your past. You will be ok.

Hugs and support.

Imabrokenman posted 7/17/2014 04:10 AM

Thank you SO MUCH for your support. I truly appreciate the kind words.

PenitentMan posted 7/17/2014 09:46 AM

Sorry to hear this as well.

As was said, you will be ok. We will all be ok. Because the alternative is *not* ok, and that is not an acceptable way to live out the rest of your life.

You can't change the past and the future will be what it will be. Hope for the best, expect the worst.
It's out of your hands now.

"You can't control an independent heart
Can't tear the one you love apart
Forever conditioned to believe that we can't live
We can't live here and be happy with less
So many riches, so many souls
Everything we see we want to possess

If you love somebody, set them free"

Imabrokenman posted 7/17/2014 10:02 AM

I just received the divorce papers. The hits just keep on coming.

You can't change the past and the future will be what it will be. Hope for the best, expect the worst. It's out of your hands now.

Thanks for the kind and inspiring words. I will get through this somehow.

DrJekyll posted 7/17/2014 10:22 AM

Hang in there, Make sure you are taking care of yourself. Eating, drinking, sleeping .

Do you have IC coming up? Have you talked with an attorney?

Imabrokenman posted 7/17/2014 13:16 PM

I had a preliminary meeting last week with an attorney, just in case. I really didn't know this was coming so soon.

I am going to IC regularly, every week. My next appointment is Monday.

Now I'm torn - I want to contact her, but I am afraid of what to say, what not to comment on, worried that something will be held against me. The legal aspect of this is frustrating me completely.

DrJekyll posted 7/17/2014 13:46 PM

If you contact her tell her how you feel. do you understand why she is going D? Do you feel remorse? if so explain these things and leave it at that.

Actionsoverwords posted 7/17/2014 19:04 PM


I am sorry that you and your BW are heading for D. Would it help if you wrote down some of the things you want to say to your BW and hold on to it?

You are heard. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

Imabrokenman posted 7/17/2014 19:36 PM

Actions -

That is a great idea. I will do that. I've been journaling regularly - I will include. Thanks for the support, and the idea.

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