My heart leapt when she asked - I thought it was a really good sign.
I called her and she said she had some things to say in person, we could meet Thursday night and that no matter what, she would always care about me.
My heart sunk.
I said that it sounded like she has made a decision (about D or R) and she said she had. I know she wants to divorce.
This breaks my heart. I know I am making strides through IC, I know I am a better person than the person I was, I know I have a ways to go but I am well on my way. And the rug is suddenly pulled from under me.
My first priority has been changing myself. I need to be a better person. But it hurts so much knowing that I have ruined so much.
I want to regret working on myself first and not on reconciliation, but I know that would be counterproductive. It still hurts.
But I put myself in this position. I did this. I have to live with the ramifications.
It still sucks. I love my wife.
Currently living apart, unsure of reconciliation. In IC.
You have done the right thing, you have to work on yourself. You cannot "Fix" the M until you "Fix" you. After 18 years of M, I am sure that your BS loves you too. And is going to hurt badly if you D.
Be encouraged. Even in D. You can show her the new and improved you. You can be the best you. The safe you. Be amicable. Be loving and caring. Show her even through this process, the love that is inside you. And That you are not that monster anymore. You will have the real opportunity through D and afterward, to show her.
R is still possible after D.
I can understand that feeling of hope and then crash down into despair. Sending you strength and will pray for you tonight.
Make sure that you never give up on what is most important. And that is YOU. because with or without her you cannot be a safe partner without healing you.
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
Hugs and support.
As was said, you will be ok. We will all be ok. Because the alternative is *not* ok, and that is not an acceptable way to live out the rest of your life.
You can't change the past and the future will be what it will be. Hope for the best, expect the worst.
It's out of your hands now.
"You can't control an independent heart
Can't tear the one you love apart
Forever conditioned to believe that we can't live
We can't live here and be happy with less
So many riches, so many souls
Everything we see we want to possess
If you love somebody, set them free"
You can't change the past and the future will be what it will be. Hope for the best, expect the worst. It's out of your hands now.
Thanks for the kind and inspiring words. I will get through this somehow.
Do you have IC coming up? Have you talked with an attorney?
I am going to IC regularly, every week. My next appointment is Monday.
Now I'm torn - I want to contact her, but I am afraid of what to say, what not to comment on, worried that something will be held against me. The legal aspect of this is frustrating me completely.
I am sorry that you and your BW are heading for D. Would it help if you wrote down some of the things you want to say to your BW and hold on to it?
You are heard. Hang in there and take care of yourself.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions. Original D-Day was in 2008. My lies about my sexual addiction and STD lasted for another 5 years.
That is a great idea. I will do that. I've been journaling regularly - I will include. Thanks for the support, and the idea.