Have you been through marriage counseling?
The suicide threats are manipulation. He loves himself too much to kill himself. You can't abide that threat anyway. You already divorced once and he didn't kill himself.
James Russell Lowell — 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'
[This message edited by sarahstar at 9:21 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]
OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.
Hopeful but cautious
It's just not that simple.
There's ALWAYS more than first suspected.
DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 43
WW - 41
DD - 6 and 3
Pulling the Plug
The chances that he didn't meet up with anyone is very small.
You both need to be tested for STD's. And no more sex until you see his results.
You are not stupid. You love and trusted your husband. He's the idiot.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
A few thoughts
1. If your WS wants you to stay in the house, he has to make his life an open book. He needs to give you complete access to all accounts, electronics, phone and credit card bills....for ever.
2. While fantasizing and masterbating is normal - and unavoidable (some people on this board will disagree with me - but I think it is unrealistic and harmful to try to stop fantasies and masterbation), sexting, texting, emailing with other people is way past bounds.
3. You need to keep digging - you must make completely sure that he hasn't attempted to actually meet anyone. I'm not confident that you have the whole story.
4. Threatening to kill himself is emotional blackmail. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone based on this.
5. He needs therapy - not just why does he do this, but why would he threaten to kill himself? Something is going on here . . .
You don't need to figure out your whole future right now. You can take the next 6 months to digest, to evaluate your relationship - to see how you feel after the immediate shock of betrayal has faded.
It sounds like you have children together - which is more reason for taking a breadth and taking stock.
For many of us, infidelity was a life changing, horrible experience. I don't know you, but if you are in real pain, you may need to get help yourself - a therapist to talk too. esp if you feel you can't tell friends and family.
Take care of yourself - get help, eat, exercise and be the best parent you can be. Good luck
Can you ask him why he likes it so much, I mean you should try being bold like I am and ask my WW, why do you love cheating so much, what is it about your behaivor that you like? How does that feel for you? See if he wil open up.
You have gotten some great advice from the others posting on this thread. Please don't beat yourself up over this, this has nothing to do with you, it is not about your sex life, it is about his brokenness. All of us probably felt foolish/stupid at first for not seeing the red flags sooner. The fact is normal people just don't think like waywards, we want to trust the ones we love.
You asked about do they really change, yes they can when they really want to. Ask yourself if your wh is doing anything to really change his behavior. With the little bit you have said so far it doesn't sound like he has made any attempt to change. This is abnormal behavior, it will take a lot of work/therapy for him to change and he isn't trying. The threats to kill himself tell me he isn't of a mindset to change. The threats are an abusers (this is a form of abuse)way of control. Whether or not he would act on those threats is totally out of your control, and you have no responsibility for that outcome.
If he doesn't change (not trying to at this time anyway) can you live this way? Do you want to raise your children in this environment?
4 kids all adults.
Married 22+ years.
I have moved on and life is good!
Of course he's sorry and apologetic threatens to kill himself if i leave him.
I honestly hate to say it, but the saying that keeps coming to mind is, "you KNEW he was a snake when you picked him up again." He'd already shown you what he was and you knew what he was, but you took another chance on him, and you lost.
So why, this time around, are you suddenly "trying to be more understanding?" You have sex together and this guy has to get up, run out to his computer and act like a hormonal teenage boy looking for cheap thrills, talking dirty and flashing his junk to anyone who'll give him the time of day? What the hell is wrong with this guy? What a slap in your face.
The first time you found out about this crap, you didn't stand for it and divorced him over it. SMART. The second time, you tried to 'understand better and be more patient about it.' And that, of course, has led to a THIRD time of catching him. Being honest, the guy never stopped. He's always been at it. You've just caught him 3 times, is all.
I'm with one of the other posters. I wouldn't bet a nickel that he's never met any of these people. I'd get a full STD test panel done. It's obvious he can't even control himself and he certainly can't give you the respect you deserve.
Lastly, for every rat you DO see, there are 50 you DON'T. But do you really have to spend the next 6 months digging when you already KNOW what this guy is made of?