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feeling stupid & betrayed

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brokenbrowneyegi posted 7/16/2014 20:42 PM

I don't know if my situation will be excepted in this forum.....technically my husband did not have sex with anyone. I caught him on craigslist, sexting pics & videos. Again. I need somewhere to talk because I feel so stupid. Here's the history we were married and I caught him doing this and I divorced him 3 years we where divorced. But I took him back, we re married. Almost on our first re marry anniversary I caught him doing it again. This time I was more patient and trying to be understanding and didn't fly off the handle, it took a while but we made it back. And here we are again two years later. The worst part is I can't talk to anybody not even my bestfriend because it is so embarrassing that' I'm so stupid. if I would have just stayed divorced. What is confusing is this always comes out of nowhere. We have a great sex life. We constantly flirt with one another. He's always man handling me and telling me I'm beautiful telling me he loves me. How does he make love to me then wait for me to fall asleep then sext with people???? Of course he's sorry and apologetic threatens to kill himself if i leave him. But I don't know what to do I'm so lost what's right for me? What is right for my kids

Nitrobob posted 7/16/2014 20:55 PM

How old are you two?

Have you been through marriage counseling?

The suicide threats are manipulation. He loves himself too much to kill himself. You can't abide that threat anyway. You already divorced once and he didn't kill himself.

sarahstar posted 7/16/2014 21:20 PM

My husband started with looking at porn then doing phone sex calls then looked at casual sex sites (which he said was curiosity only)until he progressively got so hung up on sex that he went with a prostitute. He was someone that I truly did not expect to do this. No-ones knows but us and you can't talk about this sort of thing with friends. Our friends always comment how much my husband adores me etc and look what has happened. Everyone is different but to me it seems a progression that eventually your husband will do something unless he already has. It is absolutely devastating and each time I caught my husband with first the porn then the phone sex etc he would apologise but it still happened. Suicide is selfish for him to threaten with as he is bullying you into staying. Get a phone tracker to keep a track of his whereabouts maybe. But if you are like me... sexting someone else is just like having sex with them. It is still betrayal I think. I don't know if I have helped or made it worse for you but I think if anything with this site it lets us all know that we are not alone and its a way of talking about the devastation we are going through. x
bs me 45
wh him 46
2 kids
dday a month ago

[This message edited by sarahstar at 9:21 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

brokenbrowneyegi posted 7/16/2014 21:21 PM

Late 30s,been together since 19. i dont fall for the I'm going to kill myself b.s. anymore.Yes, we did counseling the first time around. He says he will go again but I am not sure if I should buy his wanting to change story. Do they ever really change? Can I forgive? I want to, but can I?

sarahstar posted 7/16/2014 21:26 PM

I don't know if they can change, still trying to work that out myself. My husband has certainly got the shock of his life with this latest thing he did. I can't forgive my husband but I am working on reconciling still. We try and laugh about it and I make smart comments to him about different aspects of it in a way to lighten up the devastation that I am feeling. It is my way of coping. He is good with that and understands. Look at my other posts if you want some other info on my situation which is similar to yours in a way.

brokenbrowneyegi posted 7/16/2014 21:29 PM

Thank you, I will do that.

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/16/2014 22:03 PM

You are definately accepted here. I'm sorry you are here though. It's so hard emotionally. Hugs

SunshineSoul posted 7/17/2014 17:09 PM

Gently... Are you sure there was no physical contact or meetings?
This sounds like the start of my story. Here I am, 4 years and 40 women later. We were together almost 10 years (mostly happily) before his transgressions turned physical.
Please be careful, and ensure you have the full story.
Good luck!!

ChangeMaker posted 7/17/2014 17:40 PM

Dig more. I've been here for several weeks now and have read many, many tales of betrayal.

There's ALWAYS more than first suspected.

confused615 posted 7/17/2014 17:55 PM

Has he shown you the entire contents if his secret email account? Have you logged onto craigslist with that email address and password so you can see all of the ads he placed?

The chances that he didn't meet up with anyone is very small.

You both need to be tested for STD's. And no more sex until you see his results.

You are not stupid. You love and trusted your husband. He's the idiot.

I'm sorry.

Daddo posted 7/17/2014 18:30 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Of course you are welcome. Betrayal is betrayal whether it is physical or only emotional, whether it is intended or completed or just contemplated.

A few thoughts

1. If your WS wants you to stay in the house, he has to make his life an open book. He needs to give you complete access to all accounts, electronics, phone and credit card bills....for ever.

2. While fantasizing and masterbating is normal - and unavoidable (some people on this board will disagree with me - but I think it is unrealistic and harmful to try to stop fantasies and masterbation), sexting, texting, emailing with other people is way past bounds.

3. You need to keep digging - you must make completely sure that he hasn't attempted to actually meet anyone. I'm not confident that you have the whole story.

4. Threatening to kill himself is emotional blackmail. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone based on this.

5. He needs therapy - not just why does he do this, but why would he threaten to kill himself? Something is going on here . . .

You don't need to figure out your whole future right now. You can take the next 6 months to digest, to evaluate your relationship - to see how you feel after the immediate shock of betrayal has faded.

It sounds like you have children together - which is more reason for taking a breadth and taking stock.

For many of us, infidelity was a life changing, horrible experience. I don't know you, but if you are in real pain, you may need to get help yourself - a therapist to talk too. esp if you feel you can't tell friends and family.

Take care of yourself - get help, eat, exercise and be the best parent you can be. Good luck

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/17/2014 18:53 PM

I agree with the above. I find it very unlikely that he is coming completely clean. I understand thinking you have a great relationship and then being blind sided. He is definitely broken. This is not about you. That's funny coming from me because I'm still figuring that out some days. The thing is, he has to get into IC and figure out what's going on with him before he can even begin to fix this. And it is up to him to fix. Not you. Take care of yourself. Don't accept less than complete honesty and remorse. It may happen in spurts, but he needs to do a lot of work here. I hope you feel supported here.

brokenbrowneyegi posted 7/17/2014 20:47 PM

thank you everyone for your kind words and advice.Today I had to remind myself to breathe, isn't that odd? I was replaying everything in my head and would realize I wasn't breathing. He isn't telling me anything when i ask so I know this isn't going to get better anytime soon.

sarahstar posted 7/17/2014 20:59 PM

Oh, that's no good at all. My husband and I also did up a list of all the things we liked and didn't like about each other and our marriage and also did our regrets. He was willing to tell the truth (well I hope he told me everything anyway) and he finally realised that he was too hung up on sex and lost sight of what our marriage really was. It was a big eye opener for him that our marriage was great and he may have ruined us. We both look at our lists regularly now. It is helping and maybe it could help you but only if he truly wants to be honest and work it out with you. Good luck. x

brokenbrowneyegi posted 7/18/2014 17:33 PM

Thank u everyone. Sarahstar it really does sound like our situations are similar. It sounds like u two are really making it, I can only dream of getting to that point. Right now I feel nothing but hate towards him, I can't look at him or speak with him. I am only concentrating on being a good parent as someone said earlier.

amanda123 posted 7/18/2014 18:08 PM

Hello Broken, when your were in counseling before did the topic of sex addiction come up? Does your H have a sex addiction? It sounds as though he may have. If he has, this needs treatment like any other addiction.
I work in the medical field NEVER underestimate anyone saying that they want to kill themselves and think that they wont go through with it, I have heard it and I have seen it and some people actually do carry through with the threat. I am not saying that your H will, all I am saying is dont totally dismiss what he is saying. He needs counseling try and get him to see someone or the doctor. You dont need to be held hostage in a relationship for fear of him doing something like that, if it doesnt work out.
Your H needs to be honest and upfront with you if he wants to stay in the relationship. You cant accept anything less

steppingup posted 7/18/2014 18:22 PM

He will not kill himself, those are selfish tears, he does not want you to leave him, you have value and he likes his little games, you taking him back tells him volumes about what you are willing to tolerate. You really have no choice in the matter unless you want to go through more IC and MC then post here again in another year or so.

Can you ask him why he likes it so much, I mean you should try being bold like I am and ask my WW, why do you love cheating so much, what is it about your behaivor that you like? How does that feel for you? See if he wil open up.

brokenbrowneyegi posted 7/18/2014 21:17 PM

I have yelled and screamed, asked politely. He just says he's sorry and that he loves me. I have told him if he truly loved me, I wouldn't be here again. I also told him that I can not begin my healing until I know every last detail. I am 99.9% sure he won't kill himself, but that 1% is still there.

bigskyblues posted 7/19/2014 04:51 AM

While he MAY not have had a PA he is definitely cheating on you emotionally, so yes you belong here.

You have gotten some great advice from the others posting on this thread. Please don't beat yourself up over this, this has nothing to do with you, it is not about your sex life, it is about his brokenness. All of us probably felt foolish/stupid at first for not seeing the red flags sooner. The fact is normal people just don't think like waywards, we want to trust the ones we love.

You asked about do they really change, yes they can when they really want to. Ask yourself if your wh is doing anything to really change his behavior. With the little bit you have said so far it doesn't sound like he has made any attempt to change. This is abnormal behavior, it will take a lot of work/therapy for him to change and he isn't trying. The threats to kill himself tell me he isn't of a mindset to change. The threats are an abusers (this is a form of abuse)way of control. Whether or not he would act on those threats is totally out of your control, and you have no responsibility for that outcome.

If he doesn't change (not trying to at this time anyway) can you live this way? Do you want to raise your children in this environment?


NeverAgain2013 posted 7/19/2014 06:06 AM

Of course he's sorry and apologetic threatens to kill himself if i leave him.

What a manipulative little drama queen. Yet somehow, he managed to survive the first divorce without taking a big dirt nap. Does he want a cookie for that?


I honestly hate to say it, but the saying that keeps coming to mind is, "you KNEW he was a snake when you picked him up again." He'd already shown you what he was and you knew what he was, but you took another chance on him, and you lost.

So why, this time around, are you suddenly "trying to be more understanding?" You have sex together and this guy has to get up, run out to his computer and act like a hormonal teenage boy looking for cheap thrills, talking dirty and flashing his junk to anyone who'll give him the time of day? What the hell is wrong with this guy? What a slap in your face.

The first time you found out about this crap, you didn't stand for it and divorced him over it. SMART. The second time, you tried to 'understand better and be more patient about it.' And that, of course, has led to a THIRD time of catching him. Being honest, the guy never stopped. He's always been at it. You've just caught him 3 times, is all.

I'm with one of the other posters. I wouldn't bet a nickel that he's never met any of these people. I'd get a full STD test panel done. It's obvious he can't even control himself and he certainly can't give you the respect you deserve.

Lastly, for every rat you DO see, there are 50 you DON'T. But do you really have to spend the next 6 months digging when you already KNOW what this guy is made of?

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