"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

broken26 posted 7/16/2014 22:14 PM

Hello, I just joined so I am not really familiar with all the terms, but I wanted to post my story. I hate the fact that my life led me here. One month ago I confronted my husband (of 3 years) after seeing his phone records of having multiple calls to a female classmate of his. He admitted they "had a thing" and slept together. He wouldn't tell me how many times it was physical, but I know now he was having an EA for at least a few months. I thought they were just friends and had no idea at the time there was anything going on. I of course freaked out and said so many things to him, and he decided to leave because we both knew we needed to be apart. As mad as I was at him, I was devastated when he left. I was hit with a ton of bricks and just like that my marriage snapped and fell into a million pieces. One month later we are still apart. He says he's not communicating with the OW but says he doesn't know where we should go from here. Says he needs more time to think about things...it's so frustrating because I want to know what he's thinking but at the same time am scared to face the reality that we could get divorced. I hate what he did to me, but I'm still desperate to save our marriage. I just want him to want it too. He says he loves me, but I'm questioning if he's still in love with me. I feel so hurt, betrayed, angry, saddened, sickened, and raw all at the same time. Every emotion rotates on a daily basis still. It's really turned my life upside down!!

[This message edited by broken26 at 10:43 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]

nekorb posted 7/16/2014 23:05 PM

Welcome (((broken26))).

I'm sorry you're here but glad you found us.

All those feelings you're having are very normal. Have you sought any IC (individual counseling?). It's a good place to start.

Please don't make any decision from that desperation mindset. It will not serve you well.

Please check out the healing library. Upper left hand corner in the yellow box.

Is your WH remorseful? It's not sounding so much like he is...one month apart and he's still dicking around trying to decide what he wants? Really? I'd also lay odds he hasn't ended things with his AP. Just sayin'.

Others will be along to offer support and advice. Hang in there. Eat drink, sleep. Take care of your kids if you have them. Let WH deal with himself.

It's going to be ok.

broken26 posted 7/16/2014 23:12 PM

Thank you, nekorb. I am going to IC which as been helping. My WH is remorseful, but not as much as I would like. He says he wants to talk about things in August after he takes the bar (he just graduated from law school and says he needs to focus on the bar right now because he doesn't have answers for us anyways. Shows were his priorities are at though). I'm trying to take care of myself..it's just so hard. No kids, which now I guess is a good thing. I'm glad I found you guys, at least we can all be in this misery together :(

sparkysable posted 7/17/2014 10:58 AM

He says he's not communicating with the OW but says he doesn't know where we should go from here.

He is out of your house. I promise you, he is still indeed involved with the OW.

He says he loves me

Mine told me he loved me too. I was standing on the front porch of the OW's house, he was sitting on the OW's couch. He sent me a text that said "I love you." I watched him do it. He was supposed to be at work, but I found him there instead. You want to tell me that his words (or texts) mean anything? He was sitting in the OW's house, on her couch, texting me. Those words mean nothing. Actions are louder than words, always.

1Faith posted 7/17/2014 11:52 AM

Dear Broken

Welcome to our club. No one ever wanted to join but the members are here for you and we understand your pain.

Post often. Take what works for you. Each situation is unique but there are many similarities too.

Please head to the Healing Library at the upper left hand corner. A lot of great information for you to read. Knowledge is power.

He says he wants to talk about things in August

That seems a bit unfair that you have to be held in limbo land until he decides he wants to talk.

Take care of you. You are important and you matter.

(((hugs)))

funnyguy posted 7/17/2014 12:01 PM

Hi Broken

Hang in there and take of yourself becasue that is what he is doing, but in reality he should be taking care of you and not waiting till August, I know when I love a women < I will always put them before anything in the world, and right now you should be his main focus. As for the love thing , they are just words his actions are not proving it. Stay in IC it has helped me and keep telling yourself , that you love yourself.

So all I can say is don't believe a word he is saying, because he should be by yourside and no where else.

[This message edited by funnyguy at 12:01 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]

BaseballMom31 posted 7/17/2014 12:07 PM

I am so sorry that you had to find yourself here. I am fairly new myself, only 2 months in to my nightmare. You will find a lot of great people here to help. They may not always tell you what you want to hear, but they WILL tell you what you NEED to hear.

Actions speak louder than words. I know how hard it is to want to hear the words of love. I know how it is to want to ask questions. But most likely, he is only going to tell you what he thinks you want to hear. I agree with sparkysable, he is most likely still communicating with the OW in someway. That is hard to hear and even harder to face. I'm sorry.

Please take the advice you will get here. And read up in the healing library. That seems to help me. Post often, that also helps.

Hugs to you!

steppingup posted 7/17/2014 12:10 PM

Since he will not tell you, you are forced to sit and wonder (this is emotional abuse by the way). I will digest your input with several experiences I have had with my WW. Here goes:

One month later we are still apart. He says he's not communicating with the OW but says he doesn't know where we should go from here.

Be sure he is communicating and likely copulating too.

Says he needs more time to think about things...it's so frustrating because I want to know what he's thinking but at the same time am scared to face the reality that we could get divorced.

There is nothing to think about this is twisting history, he is making it look like there was major issues with the marriage when it is really about his ego and fun, nothing more. Remember you caught him, before then there were how many complaints about the marriage, zero, right? See, you got yourself a genuine Cake Eater Cheater.

I hate what he did to me, but I'm still desperate to save our marriage.

Yes that is because for the most part you Had a good marriage, note HAD. Right now your marriage is horrible and it sucks to think about it. You are scared as we all are about change and about letting our family down, they came to the wedding and wished us well, now we have to tell them it SUCKS. Yes it Sucks.

I just want him to want it too. He says he loves me, but I'm questioning if he's still in love with me.

He likely cares about you, but his brain is with the OW who he was savoring while you (and me) where happy and healthy in our ignorance about what they (WS) do when we are not around to keep an eye on them. Yes if you want to keep the marriage you have to be a marriage cop.

I feel so hurt, betrayed, angry, saddened, sickened, and raw all at the same time. Every emotion rotates on a daily basis still. It's really turned my life upside down!!

Normal reaction, and all of us Betrayed Spouses (BS) get that, we do. We know those horrid feelings. You dont deserve this or him. He is afraid to rejoin you in marriage because when he sees you its like a mirror is put up and he has to look into your face and see the damage he did and eat it. Not everyone who cheats can tolerate remembering the crap they do. Only the corageous ones can.

Best of luck, feel free to Private Mesage me for more tips.

WeepingBuddhist posted 7/17/2014 12:32 PM

Take care of yourself, 26. Get tested for STIs and if you've not yet spoken to a lawyer, get to one ASAP. Knowledge is power. You're not alone and you've not done anything to deserve this. You've been hurt by the one person who was supposed to be on your side.

Try to drink enough water and get some exercise if you can. You're not alone and the folks here will help you with great advice and support.

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/17/2014 16:40 PM

I'm sorry. I agree with all of the above. I'm over 30 years in. Would rather have had the ability to make a decision way back before life got so complicated with kids, finances etc. I'm fighting through the mess, but am also dealing with some other issues as well. You are so young. Talk to people you trust who have your best interests at heart. I'm sorry, gently here, but I think he needs a good wake up call. Try 180 and stop communicating with him. Make him come to you and don't make it easy. I hate when people say "if it's mean to be...it'll be!) Unfortunately, we probably all hate hearing that because it's true. And he created this mess....have no doubt he should be the one on his knees fixing it.

broken26 posted 7/19/2014 02:16 AM

Thanks to everyone who replied. I need to hear from people who have been through this. I already feel like I've been so stupid because I've let him string me along. His actions show that he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, but I fall for the words. The only thing he's done action wise is our anniversary was a few days ago and he wanted to have dinner, but not discuss anything serious. I probably made a big mistake but I went to dinner with him because I missed him so much. The fact that he didn't want to discuss anything serious makes me so mad now because he was still controlling the situation.

I've been cutting back on communicating with him and I know I really need to stop. Sometimes I feel like i can't help it and send him a message. And then he'll send little messages saying "I hope you are doing ok." or "I hope you are sleeping and taking care of yourself". Well no, I am not, my world has just turned upside down!!

[This message edited by broken26 at 2:17 AM, July 19th (Saturday)]

broken26 posted 7/19/2014 02:34 AM

Steppingup: what you wrote is so spot on. We had some issues towards the end, but it was mainly when he was having the A. I was always putting the effort into our marriage, wanting to make it better. Now he's saying that I didn't take an interest in his life, his goals, his career. I told him recently that he pushed me away and ignored me (especially while he was having the A), and you know what he said?? "Well maybe I felt ignored too". WHAT?? I definitely DID not ignore him. The few months during his A, I knew something was wrong and I could feel him slipping away. I thought it was just stress with law school and finals. So I started pressuring him to spend more time with me and get things back on track. All that time he kept pushing me away and just wanted to go drinking with his guy friends or be alone to "study". Now I know what he was doing during those "study sessions" and it absolutely kills me. The sad thing is I keep looking back wondering if I could have done something to stop him from having the A. I know I shouldn't think that way but my mind still wanders there.

[This message edited by broken26 at 2:35 AM, July 19th (Saturday)]

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/19/2014 06:49 AM

Thank goodness you're not in denial, as painful as reality can be.

When they leave the house, it's not so they can 'think.' It's so they can have the freedom to explore what they were doing in secret but without your watchful eyes breathing down the back of their neck. You can be sure he's still in touch with his OW and he's giddy with the freedom of being able to get away with seeing her without you questioning his every move.

He's giving you the TINIEST of scraps of hope to keep you on the end of his fishing line. Hey, the truth of the matter is that right now, you're Plan B. Good old Broken26, waiting loyally in the family home, anxious to let him return to the bosom of the family home if his adventure blows up in his face. He doesn't want to totally close the door on you Broken, because he may need to come back home when he's done acting like a stupid hormonal teenage boy.

And THAT'S why he hasn't 'made a decision' yet. Because he just wants to live in limbo and have his fun while keeping you right where he wants you.

Don't misunderstand - you keeping your heart and the front door open to him gives him the emotional security and satisfaction of 'home' while he's allowed to play unsupervised. It's like providing a safety net under the tight-wire he's walking on - he can play all he wants but in his heart, he knows he still has a home and family waiting for him. How cool is that to a selfish, self-entitled jerk?

Does he honestly think that lame 'duty dinner' out for your anniversary was some kind of manna from the heavens for you? Only a selfish, self-entitled asshole would pull this shit and put a 'gag order' on you, telling you weren't allowed to talk about the marriage over dinner. Screw him.

He and his over-inflated ego need to be knocked down a few pegs. What an asshole.

You need to COMPLETELY cut him off. Not "a little bit," not "almost," and not "I'm really try to, but it's too hard...."

You need to COMPLETELY CUT HIM OFF.

Stop feeding this asshole his ego kibbles. Stop giving him the SECURITY of knowing his wife and family are home with the homefires burning, eagerly awaiting his return.

STOP providing that!!!!

He needs to truly understand what he's going to lose if he doesn't wise up and quit being a selfish jerk!!! He's not going to know what feels like when you're constantly answering every gratuitous text he sends just to keep you hanging on the end of the fishing line!!!! He's NOT going know how it feels when you're always letting him know you want him to come home.

Every time you talk to him or see him or text him, you literally shoot yourself in the foot.

Things aren't going to change until you completely change the way you're handling this. Cut him OFF.

Lastly, some food for thought. Do you really WANT to have this person back in your life, after what you've seen of his true character? A liar, a cheater, a supposed 'man' who deserts his wife? I'd think a whole lot before deciding whether I wanted someone of this low caliber back in my life.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 6:54 AM, July 19th (Saturday)]

broken26 posted 7/20/2014 22:52 PM

NeverAgain2013: I stopped talking to him altogether yesterday. I am not going to be contacting him now or answering him for a while. You are so right...I kept accepting every little shred of hope he fed me and it just made things worse! NO more of that!!!

adriana1980 posted 7/20/2014 23:33 PM

Broken, you are only 26 and have no children with him so file for divorce and move on. You have to be realistic that if you decide to stay with him you will be likely dealing with this kind of situation again at some point of the future. Probably not a very distant future.

My husband also cheated on me after being married for only 3 years. I filed for a divorce instantly and never looked back. I didn't ask why or how he could do it to me. Just moved out without saying anything. The look on his face was priceless when our divorce was final 5 months later.... one of these golden "Kodak moments".

You should do the same.... just dump his cheating ass. You are still young and will find someone better to spend your life with than a liar and cheat.

[This message edited by adriana1980 at 11:37 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]

Lally posted 7/22/2014 06:43 AM

Broken, I agree NeverAgain and Adriana. Move on! I'm relatively new to SI, but I can tell you my story. I stayed with my WS after an almost PA (her husband caught them before it went all the way, at least for that one time). He begged me, kissed my ass, and said all of the right things. Like a little girl who wanted to believe my knight in shining armor, I fell for it.
Here we are 10 years later with a beautiful 7 yr old DS, a nice home, and retirement savings. I've caught him doing it again! The hurt is unbearable and I wish I had left his stupid ass way back when we didn't have a child. Back when our finances weren't so horribly twisted together. Back when I had a little self-dignity and respect. Before I gave up the career I loved to take care of him, our home, and our son.
I'll take a guess at what will happen if you stay with this loser. When he passes the bar, he will begin to have friends in the court system and you will be screwed. You need to get out now and protect yourself and your heart. He has already done enough damage. I know you are hurting, but it is only a fraction of what will happen on down the road. The humiliation, hurt, rejection, and shame I feel are unbearable some days. The only reason I can function is because of my son. Maybe that's not the best reason. I'm supposed to love myself more, but I gave this man my everything. I stood there holding my heart out with both hands. He took it, shredded it, and then wiped his dirty boots on it. Make the decision now that you won't allow that to happen, especially when he is not sorry, not worried about losing you, and not in love with you. Men in love don't behave this way. I'm sorry to be blunt like that, but you need to hear it now rather than later. Be strong! Have a friend on stand by for when you want to call or text him. Call them instead and have them talk you out of it.

happyman64 posted 7/22/2014 07:15 AM

Broken

You sound far from Broken.

In fact, your WH is the one that is broken.

He is one selfish man. And the way he has treated you post affair is despicable.

He wants nothing to do with you or the relationship.

Dump his ass.

Have him served divorce papers just before he takes the bar. The world could use one less dishonest attorney.

He obviously does not understand the words "vows" or "commitments".

And the day you have him served let his family know why you are divorcing him.

He deserves it and needs it.

HM

veronique12 posted 7/22/2014 11:57 AM

NeverAgain got it spot on. Read the 180. Time to take care of you and start building yourself back up. I know it's hard. It is soooo hard to cut off the person you love, but he is already out of the house and so it will be a little easier since he's already gone.

As much as it hurts to think about, I would consider it a given that he's still with OW. Think about that. Get mad about how he is disrespecting you and keeping you dangling on a string--you, his WIFE whom he promised to respect and cherish. This will help you continue to cut off all conversation, save for anything necessary like paying mortgage, etc.

I would also consider seeing a lawyer so you know what your options are in case you decide to file.

Your WS is being completely selfish. I know you love him and love what you thought your M was. But you have to know now that your H is not who you thought he was and neither was your M. He has chosen himself over you, though it's not your fault. HE has made that choice. You have choices too. You can choose to end the limbo you're in now by cutting off ties and considering filing or at least separating.

Just because you file doesn't necessarily mean D either. If your WH magically turns around and becomes a man who is worthy of you, you can stop things. You are not going to nice him back. It never works. Instead send him a very clear message that you are not waiting around for him to figure out his shit. He needs to make a choice or move aside. And then follow through. It's not easy, but you can do this.

Not.the.Big.Easy posted 7/22/2014 18:47 PM

Broken,

I agree with Veronique, filing is not divorcing. If your husband is working towards reconciliation, such as getting counseling and giving you access to emails, phone and texts, etc, then the separation might help. It's not a good sign that HE decided to leave, because that's usually just to make it easier to continue without you knowing.

The only time my ex-girlfriend ever looked like she was trying, was when I flat out said that things had to happen or I was gone. Only she would try for a while and then stop when she got sick of it (and I was already stuck because of school).

Try to breathe, and remember that you're not crazy.