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Lostcat posted 7/17/2014 05:16 AM

I'm a newbie here and am so glad to have found this forum. I am struggling right now with everything I did last year and am really hoping for R.

I had a 3 month PA with someone I met through work. He is D but in a long distance relationship with the OW who he left his XW for. I know right, what a guy to get involved with.

BH found out in a terrible way - I went to a party where AP was and we stayed out drinking until about 5am. BH was worried about where I was and tried to find me through my phone and discovered my secret email account. I feel so terrible about the pain i put him through that night.

We tried R but I was in a crazy fog, I didn't know if I loved BH. I broke NC when AP first got in touch with me after a month. I broke it again a month later, again a couple of months afterwards when things were really bad between BH and me and this time I had sex with AP. Things were really bad because I was still thinking about and sporadically in contact with AP I know. BH also had a ONS at this time, which i totally understand him doing given my awful behaviour. We finally separated in January 14 when he found out I had another secret email account and had met AP for a drink. The terrible thing was I knew I wanted to cut everything off with AP in November but I was too weak to do it.

We went to MC during this time but looking back she concentrated a lot on BH's anger and not so much on what I had done. I don't think it actually helped us that much.

Writing all this down in black and white is horrible. It really brings it home to me again what I was and what I did.

We were separated for 2 months. In that time I realised how awful I had been and I really woke up. I did have an email exchange with AP at a time when I thought there was no hope for R but then I realised for once in my life I had to do the right thing and I stopped it totally and haven't looked back.

Since then I have been working hard on myself, going to IC and working on what led me to this. I feel like I'm a different person to what I was last year. I know that was me who made those terrible choices again and again but i feel like it was the darkest parts of me, not the whole me. I love BH and my kids and I never want to go down that road again. I feel so much shame and remorse for what I did and who I became. I wish I could turn back time but I cannot and can only mend myself and do the things I should have been doing a year ago. I'm just so sad

AP recently got in touch. I told BH and he wanted to phone him so I ended up telling him about the last time I slept with AP, which he didn't know about. I couldn't let him phone AP not knowing everything. Now I feel like R is back to square one if not worse than before. I'm just so sad that I broke our marriage.

I'm so grateful that BH is still here although at the moment I know he's not really here in spirit. He doesn't want to touch me since he found out about the last time with AP. I understand. Last night I read the whole thread on ICR about respect for WW and it really depressed me...

So that's my long and horrible story. I just hope we can get through it.

Deeply Scared posted 7/17/2014 06:29 AM


I'm sending you a PM

DrJekyll posted 7/17/2014 07:03 AM

Lostcat you have had false R after false R. Why would your BH feel this is going to be any different? What makes you think this is going to be any different?

authenticnow posted 7/17/2014 07:26 AM


Your H's process has just basically started over, with more TT from you.

I trickle truthed for over a year, even while we were in MC (read my profile). It is a long process for us (WSs) to get to a healthier place, where we finally can live authentically and with full transparency. Your H's process has been one of beginning to believe, to being set back, to being lied to again, to maybe starting to's precarious and it will take a lot to get to a point of even starting to rebuild.

If you want any chance of R, you have to buckle up and hang on for the ride. It's a long one.

H and I are fully reconciled, and it has not been easy. We had to both be willing to listen to each other, to be humble, to learn and grow together. Lots of IC and MC, and posting on SI and really doing the work.

It can be done. Keep posting, I'm glad you found us.


BrokenButTrying posted 7/17/2014 07:29 AM

Hi LostCat,

I'm glad you've found SI, it's the best place to heal from infidelity.

You are not just a wayward spouse. You and your husband have madhatter status because you have both cheated on each other. I am in the same situation with my husband so I can relate to that.
At some point, you will have to acknowledge, process and heal from his ONS but that time is not now. Your infidelity is the crisis at the moment.

You have put your husband through five false R's. That is an unbearable amount of pain for him. How do you know this time is different? What are you doing to reassure him that this time is different? What are you doing to make him feel safe?

BrokenButTrying posted 7/17/2014 07:31 AM

If you haven't done so already, read the healing library on this site (yellow box, top left hand corner) it's a good place to start gaining an understanding of the effect your choices have had on your husband and will guide you through your healing process.

Lostcat posted 7/22/2014 11:47 AM

Thank you everyone for your replies. I see quite a few of you have asked how I know it's different this time and how BH will know.

For me, I actually feel totally different this time. I think it took our separation for me to wake up and see what I was doing. I am understanding more and more how I hurt BH, how weak I was and what I have in BH. Before when BH got angry I would start thinking about AP and sometimes actually get in touch with him. Now when he gets angry I feel like I can deal with it, I have the strength to be not defensive, not try to blame shift.

I also know what I need to work on in myself and I am consciously trying to do so in my actions as well as through IC. I need to work on my assertiveness and speak out for what I believe and not just go along with things. I am working on doing what I say I'm going to do - not procrastinating or just not doing it. I'm also consciously trying not to go into myself or distance myself when BH gets angry. In the year before the A, BH was having a difficult time and would often take it out on me. I now understand that he was overwhelmed but he wasn't able to communicate it. Instead of turning towards him and communicating that I also felt totally overwhelmed, I distanced myself to such an extent I thought BH was just another person to look after, another job to do and I thought I didn't need him. I'm ashamed of this now. A tiny change in communication, a little more understanding from me and things could have been so different.

As for how BH can know...well we cut off contact with AP together. But I've cut off contact with him a few times so understandably this does not reassure BH. I'm open and transparent about what I'm doing, where I'm going. Photos posted on FB. He can check my phone or laptop anytime. I'm trying to put our M first. I'm trying to communicate more especially about how I feel about the A - not waiting for him to always bring it up. Also telling him that I do not want to divorce and I really want to work on things. This seems to help as he felt I just drifted along before.

Any other ideas of what I can do? We are having lots of big downs and some actually quite good ups, which I know is normal.

tangledknot posted 7/22/2014 14:51 PM

Hi Lostcat,

Your second post really resonated with me, especially about withdrawing into myself and treating my BH like he is just another person to look after, another job to do, and that I don't need him. That really hit me! That is what I did, and I am making a concentrated effort to be vulnerable to him.

It sounds like you are motivated and that you are making positive changes. One thought that is motivating me to work hard on myself and my marriage is that I need to become a strong and healthy person no matter what course my marriage takes. It makes me feel that down the road, I will be able to handle anything.

Best wishes to you!

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