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V2004 posted 7/17/2014 07:46 AM

So this is my first time posting.
I've been married for a little over 2 years. I have a 5 year old (previous relationship) and we have a 5 month old. I felt something was off between my husband and I and decided to go through his phone and went on his FB (my first time doing this) I found out he has been messaging this women for the past year, they've been very flirty with each other (she's also married) and lives across the country. I did some research and found out it's his moms old friend. She was planning on coming down to visit next month and they were both planning on hooking up. I confronted him, he did a lot of crying and apologizing, he begged me not to leave. He's never done anything like this, well not that I know of, so I decided to give him a chance. But am I doing the right thing? My past relationship was horrible, he cheated on me and abused me. My husband now is not abusive and thought I found the man of my dreams and I just can't believe he would betray me like this. I'm so confused and just don't know what to do. Please any advice would be much appreciated.

devistatedmom posted 7/17/2014 09:30 AM

I'm sorry you are here V2004, but you have found the right place. The wonderful people here will help you.

It sounds like you need to put some boundaries in place. He cried and begged you not to leave, but he's still talking to her? No. You tell him he wants that chance, there is no contact (NC) NOW. He must block her on facebook, delete her phone number. He must get IC. He must do all the things to make you feel comfortable.

He says no? You must have a consequence. You won't block her? Then leave. He must know you mean business. I know him leaving is what you would like to avoid, but keeping him with you is not going to fix it if he's still talking with her.

Good luck, and strength to you.

V2004 posted 7/17/2014 12:09 PM

Thank you and yes he's already blocked her on FB and he told me he doesn't have her number, he says FB was the way they would contact each other. Should I ask to look through his phone and through his FB periodically?

allusions posted 7/17/2014 12:32 PM

One thing you need to do is tell her husband, because she has betrayed him. He deserves to know about his wife's plans and duplicity. Also, if her husband knows, he can keep an eye on things from his side.

ChangeMaker posted 7/17/2014 12:41 PM

Keep looking. There's probably more.

Read the other stories here on SI. There's always more. Dig deeper, and don't tell him when you find scraps, wait until you have a full meal of lies and cheating.

I know you'll feel bad "spying", I did, but you must find out if there's more.

steppingup posted 7/17/2014 13:01 PM

Your feelings are confirmed, you feel betrayed becasue you were betrayed.

For now hang on, in time you will be clear about what to do. In the meantime you need to really find out who you married, I suspect there is much more yet to be told.

(HUGS YOU), hang in there!

needfriendshere posted 7/17/2014 13:13 PM

V2004, the only thing that concerns me about his blocking her on FB being enough were their plans to hook up when she came to your area. I would make sure that he does not have her cell number or e-mail address and have him delete and block those as well. My H had contacts with his OW on both of his e-mail accounts, his cell phone, his work phone, FB, and LinkedIn. But, then again, they actually did hook up - for a long time too. But still....If I were you, I would make sure.

Hang in there! Especially after having come out of a previous abusive relationship, I know that this new betrayal is extremely painful for you. And my heart goes out to you! I am hoping with you that his remorse is sincere, that he wants you and only you, and that it is over with her.

(((V2004)))

1Faith posted 7/17/2014 13:36 PM

V2004

Welcome. Sorry you are here.

Your H needs to figure out why he was allowing himself to go down this slipper slope and what he is going to do in the future to make sure he doesn't allow himself to go down that path again.

He consciously made a choice to engage in inappropriate communication with another woman and made conscious choice to meet up with her.

Be weary of tears and "I'm sorry" - actions speak louder than words.

Time for you to define what you will and what you will not tolerate and be prepared to back up your conditions. There must be consequences if he does this again.

Keep your antenna up and be aware. Yes, I would check his phone, tablet, computer, etc. He has lost his right to privacy.

I would tell the OW's H as he has a right to know what his W is up to as well. If he knew wouldn't you want him to tell you?

Good luck and keep posting.

TimeToGo2014 posted 7/17/2014 15:36 PM

I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree that it's smart to be on high alert, don't let your guard down so much that you miss shady behavior, if there is any.

BlueBlueEyes posted 7/17/2014 16:46 PM

Agree, agree, agree! With the above. He caused it, he should fix it. Having dealt with this (mostly unknowingly!) I realize there is a true difference in how a truly remorseful spouse acts. You are worth more than this. He is the one who should be the work, feel ashamed of his bad behavior and hit his KNEES! The reading library helped me a lot before I ever even signed up or posted. The questions and answers gave me some really good insight as well.

cosmicjoke posted 7/17/2014 19:30 PM

Wow- nice way to show he cares about his new family right after you've given birth to his child (your mutual child).
Yes watch him and don't ever stop. Unfortunately you have to be constantly vigilant be because it's apparent people don't value trust anymore. They see it as a weakness and an opportunity to take advantage of you. Don't let your guard down again and make it clear that he blew it. It's called consequences. (Why are cheaters so stupid?? They have what anyone would dream of-- a spouse who doesn't watch their every move, freedom, privacy.. Totally trusts them.. so what do they do with that?? Why, they ruin it for themselves, forever, of course..!!
Also I would contact the slime on the other end and make it clear you know, how you feel and 'do not ever contact my husband again or we'll put a restraining order on your sorry a$$'. Make him write & send a final NC letter.. & send it together. Hopefully this will kill the allure of the exciting secret magical romance.
Also it could be an opportunity to find out what he really said to her.. which would be useful to you.. since you do live with the person who said those things.
And YES OF COURSE tell her husband/partner if she has one. She's probably dumb enough to leave a whole
connect-the-dots trail on FB so you can prob find him easily on there.
You are one of the lucky ones!! IF.. this is the 1st time. You had the rare and golden opportunity to catch it BEFORE it happened.. you nipped it in the bud. You got to turn around and see the knife that was poised in the air, and grab it out of their hands before you got stabbed in back. You were saved from the living hell of finding out 6 months, a year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs, etc.. later.. that you had a knife festering in your back all that time while you were blindfolded and living in a fog not of your own making.

cosmicjoke posted 7/17/2014 19:36 PM

oh and also- find the exact dates when she is coming to town. Watch him & everything like a hawk. Tell the slime that you're sorry but she can't have your husband that week, you've made other plans together (that do not include her)- and you're both very, very busy. But maybe she can get on craigslist and find some other cheating husband to screw behind his poor wife's back. Make sure to be physically right next to him 24/7 for that week, if possible. Make it clear to him that you're not letting him out of your sight. So sad that things have to be this way. And so sorry you have to waste your time on this crap to defend your relationship!

V2004 posted 7/19/2014 11:45 AM

Thank you all for the advice! I'm definitely seeking counseling for myself and for the both of us. I am keeping my guard up and going to continue going through his stuff (as awful as that sounds) but it's best. I didn't message the husband, although I had the chance to, I just think I'll let karma take care of her.

ZedLeppelin posted 7/19/2014 20:29 PM

I didn't message the husband, although I had the chance to, I just think I'll let karma take care of her.

Tell her husband. That way you will have another pair of eyes monitoring them.

clueless1 posted 7/20/2014 21:16 PM

Sorry you find yourself here. I am 3 months into this and it stinks. I went through a similar situation. My H was theemailing and texting a woman in California. I did my own digging without his knowledge and found much more than he admitted. Keep digging and I agree with the others tell the other BS. Hugs

V2004 posted 7/21/2014 01:09 AM

Clueless1 Are you trying to make it work? If so, what other steps are you taking (besides counseling) to make your relationship work and regain the trust? I've gone through his email, phone, all social media and have not found anything else, but I'm keeping my guard up.

mof2 posted 7/21/2014 07:44 AM

((((V2004))))

Very similar stories. Think about what you really need to do for yourself and your children. My XWH had flirtations with girls on FB. I would catch him and he would delete them as friends and block as well. I was good to my X and thought never in a million years would he leave me. I let go and just tried to trust him and he started having an EA with an old HS friend that lived across the country as well. Because I wasn't watching or snooping, it got deeper and deeper until the both left there spouses for each other.

The trust is now gone and you have to investigate everything he does. Unless he is willing to prove that he can be trusted, it isn't worth your sanity. I would ask him to get off FB.

What kind of phone does he have? If he has a Galaxy phone, there are apps to delete text messages and voicemails. My X had a Galaxy and as soon as he walked out, he got an iphone and sent the whore his Galaxy so they could text and talk and her XBH wouldn't find them.

Does your H get bored easy? Does he always need new and excitement in his life?

Hang in there!

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