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Newest Member: Turtlemode (46041)

User Topic: Need advice..... what is normal in dating?
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
What?  Posted: 8:27 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, so I'm trying to stay level-headed and keep my guard up and develop the tough skin needed for OLD....despite it going against my true nature. I'm one of those "heart on my sleeve" type people and I feel like I kinda have to tuck my heart in my pocket for now until I get to know guys better before I let my sensitive side get involved. That protects me from hurt or unexpected disappointments.

Anyhow.... I started talking to this one guy online....we went back and forth for a couple of weeks exchanging long emails and having nice talks about ourselves. I enjoyed the banter and the conversation. It flowed and there were no red flags or reasons for me to think he wouldn't be a decent guy to meet one day. He mentioned that he is a manager at a nearby grocery store that I jog by frequently and said I should stop by one day. I thought....hmmmm....wth!!! I told him I would most likely have my daughter with him so he would have to be okay with that (I figured she wouldn't know the difference since it was a grocery store and I knew since he was working it would be a brief encounter)... I put off seeing him for about a week....because I was busy AND nervous about actually seeing him for the 1st time. I didn't know if my expectations would meet who he really was.

Boy was I surprised. Much better looking than his pictures....he's tall 6 foot 6 blondish brown hair and ice blue eyes and very nice smile. We chatted it up for a while and had good conversation and I could feel the chemistry.... it was a nice feeling to feel that attraction again.

But, anyways....our schedules don't mesh well since he works weekends and is off more during the week and I work during the week. But, we left it with we would figure something out that works for both of us and find time to spend together to get to know each other better. He even mentioned I could bring Piper even though that would not be typically something I would be okay with.

So, I left and texted him that I'm glad I stopped by and got to meet him. He texted back, "Yes me too, you are (and I quote) "amazing" and I can't wait to get to know you better... WOW....I don't think a guy has ever called me amazing before....which took me off guard.

So he texted me the next day and Facebook friended me. He started basically liking all of my posts on Facebook. Sunday he sent me a message asking how my day was..... Monday I initiated a message hoping he was having a better Monday than me and we chit chatted briefly. Every day he likes my posts of Facebook. So, Monday I had a spontaneous insanity moment and thought...."My friend is having a pool party this weekend....I could invite him to come hang out for a bit...."

I know I know I know....you can 2x4 me all you want! I realize now that that is not the traditional first date and is definitely putting me AND him in an awkward situation being around some of my friends....and my daughter.....in a pool setting (hence swimsuits) I told him that if that was too unconventional we could wait until we could find a time when it could be just us for the first "date." He actually accepted and said he would like that and that he was sure my friends would like to see who I'm talking to.

SOOOOOOO.... its Thursday... and he said he was looking forward to Saturday on Monday... but I haven't heard from him since then. So, no texts Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm slightly paranoid that he is having 2nd thoughts....but we haven't even had a date yet....so even if he did I don't know why I care...

So....my question is....is this normal to go without communicating at all for a few days? Do I just need to chillax and ride out this wave and see what happens on Saturday? I think I know the answer....but I always like to hear opinions....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
WeepingBuddhist
♀ 39139
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chill and see what happens. It may be that he is starting to freak out a little. Is there any other activity you could do before or after the pool party? Text him and say, "would you like to grab a drink after the party? It's going to be kind of a madhouse and I'd like to talk with YOU not juggle a million people and kids"


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Oh the Irony
12354
Member # 12354
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say normal. And to chill and see what he does. Good info to be gleaned .

And I prefer not to have daily contact until in relationship.

If you keep initiating contact, you teach him that you are okay initiating and that he doesn't need to do it.

Timing is an important thing. And I have seen that once a "date" is set up some people drop off contact a bit. I like a guy who doesn't overwhelm me, gives me some space, and takes space for himself if he needs it.

I would not suggest anything else or take the lead. I'm a feminist and not locked into traditional gender roles, but I know what I like and what turns me on.


Two gorgeous boys, 16 and 10.
D-day Sept. 15, 2006.
Me, BS 45
Him, WS 50
Her, OG (Guess she is 27 or 28 now! 19-21 at the time...)
Separated. Divorcing. Happily working on myself.

Posts: 737 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: thankful for truth
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay....I'm going to chill out. I'm a very uptight person by nature....so its normal for me to get anxious. But, I think too....and I said this to a friend recently....I just don't know HOW to date today....I just don't know HOW. I feel almost awkward socially when it comes to men. And, I'm a very social and extroverted person! I think I stumble over myself a lot of times and I think its because I don't know what to do.....what to expect....what is normal and what isn't. I feel like an infant learning to crawl now that I have my values set in place and I know what I want and what I won't put up with. Its like starting over hypothetically in the dating scene for me. Its new....and different.....and kinda terrifying!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:56 AM, July 17th (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
itainteasy
♀ 31094
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to say that I'm so glad you felt chemistry with someone!

And I think a pool party sounds like a fun "date", even if it's just to hang out.

Also, yeah I think everything is normal, so far.

Have fun, Shelly!


Posts: 3432 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to say that I'm so glad you felt chemistry with someone!
And I think a pool party sounds like a fun "date", even if it's just to hang out.

Also, yeah I think everything is normal, so far.

Have fun, Shelly!

Thank you....this made me smile! I needed that!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
worried_lady
♀ 27605
Member # 27605
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just take a deep breath, relax and be yourself. No pressure to act anyway, just be yourself. If it is right it will work out, it is just a pool party. A nice summer afternoon pool party. You have this, relax.


Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over it became a butterfly.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Texas
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just take a deep breath, relax and be yourself. No pressure to act anyway, just be yourself. If it is right it will work out, it is just a pool party. A nice summer afternoon pool party. You have this, relax.

You are right. This will be fun. If it doesn't work its no loss.... if it clicks...I will know. Either way I have an advantage of having my friends there to support me!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm, I think normal in dating is setting YOUR boundaries and what you want in a relationship. That's what I learned so far. And, actually communicating that. When? I don't know, yet. hahaha. I'm still trying to figure this all out...I know how nervewrecking it all is...

Part of me just wants to give up, the other part of me really wants to get what I want! lol.

Good luck sweetie.

Maybe he's really nervous, too! Try coffee at starbucks just you two...if he doesn't reply in time for pool party.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well we left it on Monday with him saying he was excited about the pool party and I said I looked forward to seeing him there....so maybe a friendly text tomorrow night to confirm? Or should I just wait. I figure he's got the address and if he didn't know how to get there he would let me know right?


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
asurvivor
♂ 32368
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I figure he's got the address and if he didn't know how to get there he would let me know right?

My criteria would be if he didn't have or know how to use a GPS on his phone or his car or a $40 portable from best buy, or even mapquest, it would probably best to keep him away from party...or at least the deep end.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 587 | Registered: Jun 2011
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My criteria would be if he didn't have or know how to use a GPS on his phone or his car or a $40 portable from best buy, or even mapquest, it would probably best to keep him away from party...or at least the deep end.

^^^^Good Point!

Well, he just texted me and asked how I have been doing..... I can't help but grin ear to ear...


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, July 17th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My theory on these types of situations is that whoever did the inviting (man or woman) is the one that should follow up to confirm the events. So if he invited you, he should follow up. If you invited him, you should follow up.

I know personally when a guy invites me to something and I accept, I start freaking out if I don't hear anything from him when it gets closer to the event because I don't know if I should just show up at the date (especially if his friends are there) randomly or if he backed out or whatever. If a guy asks me on a date Monday for Saturday, I expect him to follow up on Thursday or Friday to confirm the plans.

If I invite a guy somewhere (especially with my friends), I would follow up to confirm it. I wouldn't expect a guy to show up if I hadn't confirmed it because that's a pretty intimidating situation.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1346 | Registered: Jul 2013
itainteasy
♀ 31094
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay for the "how are you" text!

I hope you firmed up the plans for the pool party fun afternoon.

I have my fingers crossed that this will lead to another fun date. Maybe you could take Piper to the zoo together!


Posts: 3432 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
7yrsflushed
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay for Shelly! Glad he contacted you. I was going to say don't stress the daily communication thing. You both have lives you are living. I think the pool party was a good idea. You will have friends around that can feel him out and you get to see how he interacts with other people. Enjoy yourself and I hope you have a great time.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1943 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm excited. I sent him a TGIF text this morning and he asked for the address tomorrow....so fingers crossed everything goes well!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well good luck and enjoy your 'date'.

I think it is too much too soon, but it is also not the worst mistake either, and it's done now, so I really wish you the best.

I am concerned about the FB friending. What if it doesn't go well, then you have the awkwardness of unfriending him? I think you let him into your world awfully easy before full vetting.

But there you are. The party is around the corner and I hope you have a wonderful time with your friends.

You don't have to be guarded. You just have to keep remembering that he is a stranger and has yet to prove himself to you before he can step closer to you. Eyes and ears open. Your heart is focused on those in your inner circle like your daughter and your true friends who have already proven themselves to you.


BS, now age 54, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5959 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how did it go today?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3564 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 18

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