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Not sure how to cope

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SpinningWorld posted 7/17/2014 11:01 AM

15 years, a beautiful daughter, previous forgiven infidelity on both our parts and here we are again. He hasn't admitted it but the evidence is overwhelming and my gut has never been wrong. He's detached and angry at me for accusing him and I feel like my world is ending. I want to run and not stop but I know that's not a realistic option. I cry at the grocery store, my heart feels like it's exploding and I try to be strong in front of my little girl but I'm failing at that too. My first instinct is to leave, his denial is worse than the affair, but I feel like I'm not strong enough to walk away without an admission of guilt from him. I keep convincing myself that maybe my evidence is wrong, maybe his ridiculous excuses are plausible, maybe, just maybe he didn't do it again except I know he did. I love him, I don't want to lose my family, I don't want to break my daughter's heart but I don't want to stay and feel like a fool. I don't know how to cope.

1Faith posted 7/17/2014 11:21 AM

Oh Spinning

So sorry you are here and are hurting.

Infidelity takes the best of us and makes us feel more pain than anyone can imagine.

What evidence do you have? How is your H acting toward you? Any communication at all?

Follow your instincts.

I don't want to lose my family, I don't want to break my daughter's heart

If he is cheating. It is he that will have broken his vows, shattered his family and is responsible for the pain and loss that goes with his actions; including the hurt to your daughter.

You don't own that.

Good luck. Post often. Good, kind, honest people here.

((((hugs and prayers)))

SpinningWorld posted 7/17/2014 12:01 PM

1Faith thank you for your compassion and words of advice. I discovered that for over a year he has been talking to the same phone number everyday for over an hour. The conversations only occur while he's out of the house, never on nights or weekends. I asked who the number belonged to and he got very angry that I questioned him and never answered the question. After a heated argument and still no answer to my question he left the house. I tried calling the number for 4 days with no answer. Finally on the 5th day I got a call from the number and it was man claiming to be his friend from work. I didn't believe it. Two days later I spoofed the number where you can make any number appear on the person's caller id, made my H's number appear and a woman answered. The next day the phone was disconnected. I asked him about that and his response was how is he supposed to know who answered the phone and why his friend disconnected the number. I waited a week to approach him again, I calmly explained that I loved him and wanted our relationship and for the sake of our family I was prepared to deal with whatever this was as long as he was honest. But if I had to find out on my own that he lied to me there could no longer be an 'us'. He still denied it. The next day I got a PI to run the number and it came back registered to a woman who's address is 5 mins from his office. I went to his job and asked him to take a drive with me, as we got closer to the address he got nervous and demanded to know where we were going. When I told him he got out of the car and said she is the aunt of man that had called me.
This same woman had offered to lend him $500K about two years ago and I asked him then who would lend that kind of money to an acquaintance? Then a few months ago he stayed home from work unexpectedly at at 6am she called him. When I asked why he said she usually told him where the parking spots were.
As far as communication goes, I have to initiate every conversation he doesn't try to talk to me. He acts very nonchalant and tells me I'm crazy and am looking for things. I told him I wanted out because I couldn't trust him and he said okay. I could have him followed etc, but I feel that if it comes to that then the relationship is over anyway. Prior to my discovery of the number I noticed he had been more distant, less interested in sex, stopped telling me loved me etc. I kept rationalizing everything in my head and always found a way to convince myself that nothing was happening. But I feel it in my gut and they say when you know you know. I just wished there was nothing to know.

Lark posted 7/17/2014 12:41 PM

If she offered him $500k 2 years ago, it sounds like this goes back at least 2 years.

So he has acknowledged teh woman's identity in the past, but now she is the "aunt" of his friend? Why is he nervous to go visit the aunt of a friend - why would he even know the address of an aunt of a friend?

I am sorry you are here, and sorry that you are going through this.

Have you read up on the yellow box in the upper left? It has a lot of great resources. I think you need to focus on you and your daughter, since he is obviously in affair fairy rainbow unicorn land.

If he isn't having an affair, he would have no problem on you "checking up" on him, getting phone records, getting access to his phone, his email, etc.

mamajen00 posted 7/17/2014 12:51 PM

My WH was also engaged in an EA with a "dear friend" for almost 9 months on the phone. I was your run of the mill trusting wife and had no reason to look at the phone records each month. My WH must have known that and used it to his advantage because once DDay hit and I started digging, what I discovered was unbelievable!! They spoke on the phone daily, up to several hours a day, for nine months!!!! And same pattern as your WH, they only spoke on his morning and afternoon commute to work and on weekends when I was out running errands or at the beach with our son. Don't believe a word your WH is telling you. They are NOT "just friends". If he is engaging in conversations with another woman in private then he is being unfaithful. Stay strong!

SpinningWorld posted 7/17/2014 13:27 PM

I know within my heart of hearts that he is cheating. I just can't understand why he would continue to spew such clearly ridiculous lies every time I present him with new information. I feel insulted. I also want him to be remorseful and to want to put my mind at ease and to make me feel important but all he has to offer are denials. We are still in the house together, I don't want him to see me weak but sometimes I break down in front of him. I asked him to leave when I first discovered the conversations but it was so devastating to my daughter I had him come back. A part of me wanted him to come back also. Now I'm not sure I can stand to be around him.
My problem is, do I walk away from 15 years without knowing for sure? But if he never admits it and we stay together could we ever really move past this since we never resolved it.
I know I shouldn't make these life altering decisions while I'm so emotionally charged but I feel like I need to do something. I can't take this feeling of being in limbo. I never liked roller coasters and now I feel like I'm on the biggest, scariest one of my life.
Mamajen00 did your WH admit to the EA immediately when you confronted him?

1Faith posted 7/17/2014 13:27 PM

Spinning -


When I told him he got out of the car and said she is the aunt of man that had called me

That does not even make logical sense. So the phone that was his "friends" that a woman answered is registered to his "aunt" and his "friend" is a grown man?!?

That is quite the stretch.

Did you go up to the woman's house and ask what was going on?

He is lying. You know this. When did your discover all of this?

I have to initiate every conversation he doesn't try to talk to me. He acts very nonchalant and tells me I'm crazy and am looking for things

If he is treating you this way, cheating and lying what are you fighting for? He is not a good man for you or your daughter right now. He is being selfish and this will only hurt you both in the long run.

How did you get past the prior affairs?

Sending hugs and support. Keep moving toward the truth.

steppingup posted 7/17/2014 13:56 PM

His behaivor is a lot like "Gaslighting", trying to make you believe something that is not true. In your case make you believe you are just "dreaming this up". Get your evidence or relax. If you cannot then it is just in your mind, no?

Yes nobody wants to be a fool, nobody.

Good luck in your hunt for the truth!

Secrets Kept posted 7/17/2014 14:11 PM

How about pitting a VAR in his car so you can hear what happens on his commutes?

Oops....thought this was the general forum.

[This message edited by Secrets Kept at 2:26 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]

strengthandhope posted 7/17/2014 15:37 PM

I have been through 4 DDs. Lies evry time, even with evidence! It took weeks sometimes to get the truth out of him. It IS insulting. If he can't be honest and fight to keep you, you will constantly be running uphill for no good result. As far as your daughter, it is better for children to come from a broken home rather than live in one :(

SpinningWorld posted 7/17/2014 19:16 PM

I can't tell you all how good it feels to share with others that have been through the same thing and survived. I've always been a strong person, the one others usually seek strength from but now I feel broken and weak and I caught myself wondering if I'll come through this still standing. Thank you all for your reassurance that it's not just in my head and for your unbiased words of advice. And for reminding me that I'm not alone. This is my first support forum ever, but I'm glad I've found it.
We survived previous infidelity through counseling and communication and because we both wanted to save us. This time I feel like I'm trying harder when he's the one that cheated. I will try to focus on me and my daughter and take it one day at a time.

SpinningWorld posted 7/18/2014 13:42 PM

So my heart broke last night when my 8 year old tried to play marriage counselor and had my WS and me complete an exercise that was way beyond her years. It made me even angrier at him for putting her through this and at the end of it all he kissed my forehead and told me he loved me. As if that's supposed to make it okay, there is still no admission of guilt and therefore no remorse. I told him today we should meet with a mediator to start on our journey of dissolving the relationship. Am I rushing this? Should I give him time to find his conscience and come clean? A big part of me wants to stay but the smarter part of me knows that we can't survive if we don't stare this issue in the face and fight it. How long am I prepared to wait for him give me the respect of owning up to his A? There are so many questions I want to answer now, but I worry that if I rush it I may regret doing so. Does anyone have experience with a mediator? We are meeting one next week and any preparation tips would be greatly appreciated.

SpinningWorld posted 7/19/2014 01:02 AM

Tried talking to WS again tonight. Not sure why I keep begging him for conversation but I can't seem to help myself. His reply was that he doesn't want to talk to me now, May tomorrow or the day after that, or the day after that! Can someone please tell me how to handle this rejection. How can he be so cold and callous and smug? Guess this was the affirmation I needed to move on and leave his lying cheating ass. He just doesn't deserve me.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/19/2014 07:37 AM

Guess this was the affirmation I needed to move on and leave his lying cheating ass. He just doesn't deserve me.

Forgetting that you've both cheated for just a moment, you know darned well EXACTLY what type of low character this man possesses. You've had fact after fact after fact put right before your eyes, and for some reason, you keep trying to be passive in the hopes that it will all go away. It's like hiding your head under the covers and closing your eyes until the scary monster goes away.

It's NOT going to go away, SpinningWorld.

How you DEAL with this is the important thing.

Look, a lot of men don't want to divorce because they fear the financial ramifications of having to divide everything. The don't want to lose their financial standing or have to reduce themselves to lowered standard of living once they divorce. Some don't want to look like a failure to the world - and for a man, a divorce and being a part time daddy is a failure for them. Some don't want to have to live on their own and be forced to wipe their own asses - they're so used to having 'mommy' do everything for them that they wouldn't even know how to survive on their own. And lastly, some don't want to divorce because they see that as not living up to their responsibility toward their children.

I've had a friend for over 20 years that was married for almost 20 years. The guy was the BIGGEST cheater on the planet and constantly complained about his bitch wife. Did he leave? Nope. He just cheated his way through his marriage and constantly badmouthed his wife. At year 18 when their kid was 14 years old, his wife told him she'd had enough and wanted a divorce.

Here was his golden ticket to freedom!!!!! It had been handed to him on a silver platter!!!!!

What did he do? He asked his wife to reconsider and stay married. WTF??? Yup. His reasoning was that he felt he wouldn't be fulfilling his responsibility to his daughter by raising her to adulthood, and he actually asked to STAY married. Wifey said no (smart woman).

My point?

Just because your husband is lying and appears to want to stay married, it may not be for love. It may be (and probably is much more likely) one of the reasons above that keep him there. He's treating you like CRAP and disrespecting you every possible way - and has no qualms doing it. That's not love.

SpinningWorld posted 7/19/2014 08:16 AM

You've had fact after fact after fact put right before your eyes, and for some reason, you keep trying to be passive in the hopes that it will all go away.

Thank you for your brutal honesty. You are right, it's staring me in the face yet still I refused to see it. I don't want to believe that I could mean so little to him after giving him 15years of my life. At times I get mad at myself for being so weak, for giving him so much power, begging him to talk to me....why am I behaving this way? The hurt is just still so fresh.

It's good for me when he behaves this way because it helps with my detachment. Right now it hurts like hell but long term it helps me to accept that he is no longer a man I want to be with. He is showing me the lowest, worst parts of him and I know although it doesn't feel like it now, it's the best gift he could give me.

I just pray that I don't feel this pain for much longer, it's getting harder to eat, sleep, breath. I will be strong for my little girl but really all I want to do right this moment is run and never look back.

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