This past Friday morning, after about 4 months of NC, the OW decided she needed to let my H and I both know how much she is hurting. She sent him a message begging him to call her - he did not. And then she proceeded to send me a stream of messages, detailing things about their A that I never knew - things my H had hidden from me so as not to hurt me. Each one was a dagger in my heart and my H sat beside me as I read them. She talked about how often they made love when they were together, about their skyping while I was asleep on Saturday mornings, about daily calls he made to her while he was on his way to the office, even promises he had made to her to keep their A going. She told me that they were soul mates and that she did not believe she was committing adultery (even though both of them were married - she for 31 years!). She saw me as the OW.
As I processed what I was reading, I broke down, threw things and screamed at my H. And then the strangest thing happened - something that was 5 months overdue. My H demonstrated true remorse. Sure he had said he was sorry before - multiple times. And he broke it off with her almost immediately after Dday. He sent her an NC letter and jumped through all the right hoops. But until he saw the level of cruelty his ex-AP had stooped to and how much it was hurting me, he had never processed the magnitude of what he had done.
As he watched me read her "love letters" to me, he broke down crying - and I mean sobbing - at the pain I was going through and for the shame he was feeling. By her own admission, their A was all about sex. It is all she talked about. When they skyped, they were touching each other. On the phone, it was "phone sex". There was nothing there to build a future on and yet she was hoping her letters to me would make me realize how much in love they had been and to let him go so she could have him. She was counting on my feeling so much pain from her words that I would never want him again. But it all backfired.
For the first time, he realized that not only did he no longer have any feelings for her, but he was disgusted by the type of person she was. He watched her purposely hurting me - someone who had never done anything to hurt her - and he began to loathe himself for ever getting involved with a woman like her. He wept tears of true remorse - remorse for what he had done to me, but also for what he had done to her BH and even to her by leading her on when he knew he could never leave me. He swore to me - through many tears - that he adored me and would spend the rest of his life proving it to me. For the record, I'll let him!
Since Dday he has been wonderful - he really has. All the nick-picking and bickering that went on during the affair years have completely stopped. He has done so much to show me how much he loves me. But, until I knew all of the details and could still forgive him when the dust settled, he didn't realize what real love was. He said that my forgiving him after what I read this weekend caused something inside him to burst - in a good way. He finally realized what he had really done and what he had almost lost. Before this past weekend, he had tried to justify his A deep inside with a lot of excuses. What he discovered this weekend was that there were no excuses. He had simply allowed what was between his legs to plunge him into a mess he could not get out of at a time when I was ill and unable to give him the physical satisfaction he wanted. He became addicted to the thrill of his fantasy life; the sheer illicitness of it was exhilarating. He didn't think about the many people he might be hurting. This weekend he came face-to-face with the results of his acts and went down a long shame-spiral that was almost more than he could bear.
For the first time since Dday, he was feeling like he was going crazy, which was good. The pain he felt was palpable - pain at the thought of all the people he had hurt, especially me. As a result, for the first time since Dday, I have finally completely forgiven him. The lump that was permanently lodged in my throat is gone. The thought that I might still have to leave him since I could not get over the hurt of what he did has been replaced with a peaceful and pure love. For the first time since Dday, I know we can make it. I am 100% sure of it.
I would love to hear if any of you have experienced anything similar to this. In fact, I really need to hear it. Or if you are not there yet, I would love to talk about that too, since just a week ago I was there too. Encouragement is the phase I am in right now. And it is a great place to be. I pray you are all well on your way to a place of peace and understanding with your once WS's. Hugs to you all!!
I'm glad he has this awakening. I know you asked for encouragement, so I will just say, this is a lovely place for you to be in. It probably won't last. It is likely a bit of a honeymoon stage for you. The rollercoaster will still dip as you process his lies with more time. So, enjoy your peaceful, easy feeling while you can. With time and consistent healing actions by your spouse, you'll be ok. But he'll have to continue to really own his remorse down the road as you process this shock and trauma.
I am glad to hear that things are going so well.
If there are no more negative behaviors to be discovered, such as a porn obsession, no more trickle truth, and no more secret contact, I have no doubt you will continue on your path to recovery.
I do agree with rebreather, though. It's a roller coaster, and even if he is on his best behavior, you will at some point dip back into the anger of the injustice of his affair.
You WILL bounce back up again. So, if you can weather that storm, you will be on your road to a healthy recovery.
think this just proves that the full and complete truth is not just necessary for the betrayed to heal, but it is also required for the wayward to heal. Hiding from the ugly truth just doesn't work. It forces the wayward to continue to self protect. It makes them non-authentic. You can't feel remorse if you are hiding lies.
So very very true!
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
To the rest of you, I needed the reality check. I really am kidding myself if I think it is going to be all sunshine and roses from here on out, aren't I? But Neverwudaguessed, I will follow your advice and cling to these memories when those times come. Thank you all so very much!
Now I just wish the OW would simmer down and work on her marriage. I wish she would leave us alone! But I think that's another post for another time, isn't it? I honestly would love to hear how things like what she is going through and doing to us end up. I really, really would!
As for me, I am IC too. And I love my C. She is a very positive person who has helped me to see all sides of what happened. Until this past weekend, I actually had sympathy for the OW. I guess I still should. A healthy person who is moving on with her life would never send me the stuff she did. It stemmed from her pain but it was completely vitriolic! You would not BELIEVE how low she stooped!
This poor guy actually was booted out of their home 2 years into their 6-year A and WAITED for my H to break up with her! What kind of pisses me off about that is that he should have called or texted me on FB way back then. Their A would have ended much sooner than it did. As soon as I discovered their A, I told my H that it was either me or her and he ended it with her pronto.