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Why Honesty is Integral to R - A Story

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pointofnoreturn posted 7/17/2014 12:50 PM

Hi all, it's been awhile since I've been here. Quite honestly, reading SI was making me a bit depressed, so I took a breather from it. Plus, I didn't have much to share, but now I want to share something that happened recently to me to reflect on.

We're about 8 and a half months in now since D-Day, but my A was around two years prior to that. A lot of ups and downs have occurred, but it seems now that even the more recent lowest points haven't been as bad as around D-day was.

I've lost a bit of naiveness, so to speak. Part of what lead me to my A was a distinct lack of recognizing when my boundaries were being crossed, and enforcing my boundaries when they were. I've stumbled upon the worst of the Internet, a concept called "The Red Pill", which is a bunch of guys manipulating women into sex, encouraging cheating, and a bunch of other garbage I don't want to link to. Despite being vomit inducing, reading this drivel has helped me recognize red flags and to tell the difference in someone being "nice", and someone trying to use me for bad purposes.

Anyways, onto the story. I work alone mostly, serving food to customers at (workplace). Not something I want to be doing at 40, but it pays the bills and it's not the most labor intensive job out there.

I had a group of regulars who come in every week and get food on their way out. It's a man that I'm assuming is in his late fourties, and his elderly parents. This is about said man though.

At first, this guy was nice, we'd chit chat about the weather or the place I worked at, nothing above small talk, really. He'd be really friendly, like leaving a positive comment card about me. Nothing seemed wrong until one day, out of the blue, he just gave me a necklace he bought for me.

The alarm bells started ringing at this point, which is good because prior to the A, this wouldn't have happened. However, I was trapped at work, and despite declining or making up a BS excuse like "I can't wear it due to safety hazards", he left the necklace with me. I was pissed, but I held onto it so I could talk to BBF about what happened.

He came back later AGAIN, talking about how he knows a guy who works for an assisted care company, and could get me a job that pays $20 an hour!

If t wasn't even more obvious at this point, I was a turkey being buttered up for the slaughter. This was all starting to become suspicious, but he threw the card at me and left.

Now, back then, something like this might have been hidden from BBF. I just "take care of it myself", throw the necklace away, no problem, right? Except, this I feel is wayward thinking, and isn't an honest way of going about it.

When I got home, I explained what happened and presented the evidence. Of course this was upsetting, and I knew it'd be, but I also knew if I'm ever to be trusted again, I have to be an open book and talk about any issues that arise. We are a team, and we can work through them together.

So we talked about it, things I could have done, such as being more adamant in "thanks, but no thanks" with the job offer (I just said "I'll think about it" to deflect instead). After that, we made the decision to throw the necklace away together. It felt great to not have to hide what happened, and I'm certain it felt great I was honest about what happened that day.

I guess something clicked in my brain. I know people have talked about how being honest is important to rebuild trust, but there might be another beneficial reason to it: to help your BS regain control.

Countless stories on here about how BSes feel their lives have been ripped from them, if only they did x, it'd be different , etc. By presenting the issue to my BBF, I think he was able make a decision on what to do with the necklace, instead of me deciding for him. He was also able to provide input on what to do, so even if he can't "make me", I want to so he can gain that feeling back. I haven't seen the man since this happened, but I know I have to be strong and decline his offer.

There's a chance he could be genuine. However, there was a change xAP was "genuine". When it comes to BBF's feeling in the matter, I can't take the chance of being wrong.

10yearsafter posted 7/17/2014 13:09 PM

Good Job!

BrokenButTrying posted 7/17/2014 13:28 PM

Fantastic! Well done.

It feels great to tackle problems like that as a team, doesn't it?

Wayflost posted 7/17/2014 16:44 PM

Congratulations on the progress.

Matilda23 posted 7/17/2014 22:23 PM

There's a chance he could be genuine. However, there was a change xAP was "genuine". When it comes to BBF's feeling in the matter, I can't take the chance of being wrong.

Congrats!!! I just like this, because it shows anyone can "just want to be friends", when in actuality they want more. Even if they did not, its great that you are putting BBF first, it shows he is your priority. Continue the path of healing.

FixYou71 posted 7/18/2014 02:09 AM

Yes. It feels good as a BS to have conversations with fWS about boundaries and discuss scenarios and appropriate responses. I would encourage you to make up, or have bf make up, some hypothetical situations and both of you discuss reactions that would show clear boundaries and respect for your bf and your relationship.

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