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Little Black Cloud Strikes 4 & 5

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JerseyCowgirl posted 7/17/2014 15:19 PM

I should never ask what else could go wrong because then lightening strikes me again
Bought used PC to use to help me with job search. Today it dies. Can't afford new. Used computer place has a gun shop right next door..gee tomorrow I may plunk down my last few dollars at the gun shop instead because thoughts of suicide now taking on real visions with no job, no place of my own & blown head gasket in my car because mechanic over filled oil during oil change...strikes 3 & 4!
Today finally get in to see a life coach counselor to help me figure out why not able to get a job & I have to tell her about my medical condition she promptly escorts me to the door & tells me she can't help me (no I do not have anything contagious..it is a brain tumor I live with)..strike 5
Nice to know I live in such a nice country where discrimination is rampant but I am still allowed to purchase a gun because surely an old granny like me is not worth anyone's time.
I surely don't want to ever be in a position where I might need help. Okay that for 45 years I paid taxes & never collected unemployment or disability
..guess that kind of help is only for the young. But nice to know they still give me the option to buy the gun. Guess the universe is telling me something....I've just been too stubborn to listen...here in the great USA old people are not appreciated or valued but allowed to buy the gun to finish the job so what the state can have my junk car & my last pair of shoes
Just venting but I truly cannot take any more & going to sit in my car now & just shut down....can't even make the move to go or do anything more...

InnerLight posted 7/17/2014 15:40 PM

Dear JCG
I am so sorry to hear of all your hardships. This must be so painful to feel like your efforts are not bearing fruit.

Please call the suicide lifeline number and speak to a crisis counselor: 1 800 273 8255. I am very concerned for you!

MovingUpward posted 7/17/2014 15:46 PM

(((hugs)))

I don't know what to say but I hope these hugs help.

cmego posted 7/17/2014 15:58 PM

(((JerseyCowgirl))))

asurvivor posted 7/17/2014 16:03 PM

I'm so sorry your hurting. I'm not going to tell you to go get help because you will get plenty of that advice and I think you know you need help which is why you may have come on this forum. I have been there...obviously not exactly in your position but to the point where I didn't think I could take it anymore. I went for help and the best advice I got was something that may have saved my life...he said what the hell man, see how you feel in a week. So I waited a week and I still felt like shit but I decided what the hell...let's give this another week. One day one week one month one year.... I'm glad I went for help and I'm glad, so glad I waited that week.

norabird posted 7/17/2014 17:33 PM

((((JerseyCowgirl))))

Sounds like a terrible life coach!!

Please don't hesitate to call a suicide hotline if the desire to end it gets strong. You do have value.

Pentup posted 7/17/2014 20:49 PM

Lord, please wrap your arms around Jersey tonight. Let her feel your love through the kindness of strangers who comfort her and help her. Lord, help meet her physical and emotional needs. In your precious name. Amen

((((Jersey))))

Lostly posted 7/17/2014 21:56 PM

Oh JerseyCowgirl, I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. It breaks my heart. With so many things going wrong at the same time for you its hard to think straight. Is there a friend you can call that can keep you company tonight? I am worried about you being alone.

I have to agree with Norabird, what a dreadfully awful life coach. At least you didn't have to spend anymore time in her company, she sounds positively awful.

Do you have a counselor that you are seeing? If you do can you call? If you don't have one currently they can really do wonders. It may also be a good idea to talk to your Dr about AD's, and if you are already on them perhaps upping you dose or adding a new one to the mix?

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. Please remember you are loved. ((((JerseyCowgirl))

[This message edited by Lostly at 9:57 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]

caregiver9000 posted 7/17/2014 23:27 PM

You have worth.

(((hugs)))

I think that was a terrible life coach as well.

I have also learned not to say, "what else could go wrong?" or "It can't get any worse." Never worked out well if I said those things.

better4me posted 7/18/2014 07:35 AM

((JerseyCowgirl)) Sweetie, I am so sorry you're experiencing these black clouds. What a terrible string of events. No wonder things feel so big and dark right now. You're overwhelmed and it is hard to make any healthy decisions when you are feeling that way.

Sounds like a mental health therapist may be a better help to you than a life coach. Sounds like a trip to your MD for an evaluation for Major Depression might be a very good idea right now. Call someone, get an appointment...today, please.

I know we are just virtual friends but I hope you can tell that we love you, we care about you, we want you to be okay! Many of us have been where you are (different circumstances, same feelings of despair), KNOW that is does get better....

Helen of Troy posted 7/18/2014 08:15 AM

Please! Call suicide hotline right now.

Angeles85 posted 7/18/2014 15:19 PM

(((JerseyGirl))) Here in CA are many women shelters that also help you to find a job or with medical treatment. If there is nothing like this in NJ you might want to come to CA, I will be more than happy to help you out PLEASE don't give up.

beingmiranda posted 7/18/2014 17:34 PM

I'm in jersey too... Don't give up girl. PM if you need a friend to go meet you. We can't be very far...jersey ain't that big.

InnerLight posted 7/18/2014 23:53 PM

JCG,
Please check in with us and let us know how you are doing today. We are concerned about you. Please take care of yourself.
IL

InnerLight posted 7/20/2014 14:25 PM

Bump
Worried about you.
Please check in!

UndecidedinMA posted 7/20/2014 14:52 PM

Anyway the mods can try & find / track her?

I think she might need a well being check

Lostly posted 7/20/2014 19:43 PM

I am worried, too.

JerseyCowgirl posted 7/22/2014 04:58 AM

I am here. Did not mean to worry anyone but hard to get internet access & just needed to take some much needed down time. Stress brings on some very severe migraines for me sometimes & the last round of bad luck just put me out of commission for awhile. But thanks for thinking of me. You guys here seem to be the only support system I have right now. That was my last attempt to get any low cost counseling. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is okay to be at rock bottom & stop fighting it & just coast for awhile.

cmego posted 7/22/2014 08:53 AM

Can you check out some books from the library that deal with healing and life coaching?

Hang in there!!

Pentup posted 7/22/2014 09:25 AM

(((JCG)))
Please continue to check in. It is amazing how this community has meant so much to so many! Lean in when you need it.

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