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BW's grandpa died

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PenitentMan posted 7/17/2014 16:15 PM

BW's grandpa died today. She drove 2 hours to see him in the hospital before they unplugged him, and then 2 hours back. I've been bending over backwards offering support and trying to anticipate her needs.

She hasn't said much, seems tired, sad, wants to be left alone. Well, of course she does.

But, if that hadn't happened today, it would've just been like any other random day on this rollercoaster.

She just left for work. The only reason I knew is because I heard the garage door. Sometimes she yells goodbye, but not today. But since I heard, I got up quick and went out there, asked her if there's anything she wanted me to do while she's gone, and waved goodbye.

That, too, could've happened on any random day.

I could've gone this morning, with her, but I felt that it would've been an extra burden having me there, and dealing with our son, who didn't want to go (though he was given the option). I hope I made the right call. I do want to go to the funeral though, because I did know him and would like to pay my respects. Not sure when that will be.

Today is not about me. I just wish there was something I could do beyond being present, and, just like every other day, there really isn't.

Doesn't help that it's overcast and rainy today. I'm not depressed, I'm just sad for her. And for all the innocent people on that plane crash today. And for all the innocent victims of murders and drunk drivers and stuff that doesn't make the front page (or even make the news at all).

Well, people die and are born every day. I suppose I should be just as happy for all the new parents meeting their new sons and daughters for the first time today as well. There's so much sadness in the world, but there's also so much beauty.

If you're reading this and having a good day, then I'm glad today is a good day for you.

If you're reading this and having a bad day, you're not alone. I give you a virtual (hug) or a virtual bro fist, depending on which you feel is appropriate. It will get better.

Wayflost posted 7/17/2014 16:41 PM

Loss is a hard one. My BH lost his grandfather a couple months after Dday. He did NOT want me to support him, because it would require being vulnerable to me. That was something he just couldn't take.

I tried to be present and helpful. I have no idea if it worked or not. I have no advice on what to do, because I have an inkling feeling I wasn't offering what BH needed.

So, all I can say is to keep trying. Hang in there. I'm sorry for the loss your family is feeling.

somethingremorse posted 7/18/2014 14:27 PM

Sorry for the hard times. I understand the feeling. Facing that we caused so much pain, and feeling utterly helpless to provide any real support. Add in the constant second guessing about whether we did or said the right thing.

It all adds up to pretty frustrating. Might as well own those feelings.

Hang in there.

BrokenButTrying posted 7/18/2014 14:36 PM

they unplugged him

This phrase jumped out at me. I could be way off base but you sound very detached, it comes across as if you're not really empathising with her loss. Might be worth examining if you want to support her.

I'm very sorry for your families loss. It must be a hard time, offer as much comfort as she needs, listen to her and take the weight off her with regards to household chores. Hang in there.

PenitentMan posted 7/18/2014 16:26 PM

Ha, I can see where the phrase "they unplugged him" could make me sound like a douche, but no, he was unconscious and kept alive by machinery, so they literally unplugged him. I've been trying to be as empathetic (that word doesn't sound right... too close to pathetic) as I can be. I don't want to smother her either. She seems to be doing much better today.

BrokenButTrying posted 7/18/2014 16:36 PM

Glad she's having a better day. Well done on striking the balance between supporting and smothering, it's hard to do especially with the added stresses of a family loss.

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