SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

AFTER 17 MONTHS:

I am going through a rough patch after discovering the porno looking (though promised not too) this kind of habit is hard to break I know. Even the mMC cautioned me that it may happen again...and it did...it was just looking when stress. Since then we have thingsin place that block the stuff...at least it is hard to get at and he seems to better understand what it feels like to me.

In the mean time I have been so busy with work and hadn't really time to digest it all. I have had emotional breaks over little things (he said something the wrong way or something little I just couldn't let go) and they have turned into big cries and I know it is because I am still at 17 months very hurt by the affairs. I wish it would all go away and I could just feel natural with him again...but I also know that we are doing well in R and I would never want to do back to the not 100% marriage of before the A,s.

I get tired of struggling with my feelings all the time. I want to let the little stuff go ...that is just normal life kind of stuff...and I do not want to make everything about the As...I am having trouble controlling that but I want to because in the end it just keeps ME sad...

I am working on trying to respond rather than react. I need a way to get the emotions out of the little stuff and not let them spiral in to sad and angry thoughts of the As...this just leads to emotional outbursts....

I almost feel like I am back sliding. Just after the A's I was all ready and willing and taking action to get counseling and read and try and love him and go on, but I am in a strange rough patch now...it is so much better, and we are going on, but that "going on" somehow just doesn't feel right....I feel afraid that he will leave me and give up, though rational mind says that this will not happen, emotions are quite another story.

I want to move on more, just to love him, really let it go, be happy...not so happy now..did all that "gratitude thing"...it never seems to END...does it end? Am I strange still going though these emotions after 17 months?

Things that I would NEVER had been suspicious of before, suddenly my imagination takes over...I get lost in my "what if he is and I don't know again" pattern...(not affair, porn this time)....so tired of not feeling trust where I felt it so NATURALLY before.

Can I control, calm emotions more....how to do this?

[This message edited by morethantrying at 7:51 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]

A painful post to read.....I see the pain you are in and your desire to help your husband.

As a former porn user who us now 16 months free I offer this encouragement.

First, it's a great sign he is NOT saying "it's just sex".

Second, he has dug enough to find his trigger is "stress". It's one of the common ones....two of my accountability partners has this as a trigger too. Mine is "isolation". Knowing thus affords him the opportunity to establish methods to use at the first hint of stress. Has he done that yet?

Third, I appreciate your willingness to stay in your M and show your husband grace and mercy....not at all easy. Have you reached out to other RL friends to help and support YOU?

Fourth, what has he done to back fill in the hole left in him after quitting porn? This us a must, along with accountability partners (male). Refrain from becoming an accountability partner for him. You should support him, but his actions caused you pain. It is not healthy for you to be an accountability partner for him....not this soon anyway. Sometime in the future he should be "rewired" enough to interact with you more. I look forward to this day....but that say for us is not here.

Fifth.....I noted a shift at 6 weeks porn free. A healthy shift....as if a great burden was lifted. But I still struggle with bouncing my eyes. Sex permeates American society. As I get further away from my porn use I see more clearly how pervasive sex and the use of it to sell is.

Sixth. A sexual fast can be beneficial....but must be communicated about and boundaries discussed. He needs to seek only to drink from your fountain.

We still struggle with sexual intimacy 2 years out forms DD#1. We used porn in M since the beginning, solo use and jointly, and then adultery was chosen. Much sexual sin to work through here.

I sometimes wonder if just one of us was close to "normal healthy" if we wouldn't be further along....:but that's just me wishing for a better past.

Keep engaged in the marriage.....but DONT let those little things go! You have real pain to heal from....that little stuff will lead to bigger stuff......and that process is painful but healthy.

God is with us all.

You are correct to have the concerns you have. Their are many false intimacies out there. Adultery, porn, work, hobbies, volunteerism, shopping, eating, and many others. A person breaking free from one must be acutely aware of what they are backfilling in with......it's an easier thing to reach for another false intimacy than to find the courage and really be vulnerable by reaching for true mature intimacy. My wife has really focused on her small business, I recently tried for and got a major promotion at work. I am watching how these choices evolve.

It's good to be focused and productive, but a person needs priorities to help keep them on a healthy path.

As a Christian who is growing spiritually, I look to Gods word on how to structure my life now. God, wife, family, everything else. Family includes many people not just blood relations.

Don't rush your process. It takes work AND time.

The whole "grateful" list thing? Great idea.....just keep it real.

My list included things like "we don't have std's" and "my wife is not pregnant with his baby". Things to be grateful for but there is real pain even typing this out today.

I also incorrectly used my list as a means to minimize my feelings....and it slowed my grieving process.

It's tricky....for me anyway. Therapists have helped as have my pastor and RL friends.

Reach out....don't stay inside yourself. This trauma is too big for any one person to handle.

Peace