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why do I keep reliving this

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clueless1 posted 7/17/2014 20:46 PM

I am now approaching 3 months and I can't say that I am better. we have been in counseling for about 6 weeks and so far my WH has done everything he's supposed to. why isn't it enough for me to feel better. I continue to think about the words they exchanged (I.e. I love you, I miss you, etc.) he says there has been know more contact, I have no reason to believe otherwise. I've checked his phone. i cant help to think that he still thinks of her. is there something wrong with me?

catlover50 posted 7/17/2014 21:00 PM

Well of course there isn't. You are very early in this and may want to post some in Just Found Out.

I, too, expected a fast recovery and was gently corrected here at SI. I kept pushing the deadline; well then, by 6 months I'll be better. I'm now almost 22 months out and still think of the A every day throughout the day. The pain is, however, much, much less for me, with a transformed H who is still nonetheless a work in progress.

Read the healing library and don't try to rush. My IC calls it processing and says, just like SI, that it takes 2-5 years and will never completely leave you.

Hugs to you.

blakesteele posted 7/17/2014 21:21 PM

You are normal.

You have just experienced trauma.

It is highly likely you have PTSD-like symptoms if not full blown PTSD. I was diagnosed with the "like symptoms" of which is obsessive thoughts, another is polarizing emotions (okay I got this one minute....holy shit! The next).

Find a therapist soon.

Post like crazy.

Some say journaling helped....not so much for me as my journal entries fed my obsessive thoughts.

Keep the faith. Like one poster suggested....visit JFO forum to help you normalize this trial.

God is with us all.

lostworld posted 7/17/2014 22:41 PM

I'm sorry to say that I wouldn't expect you to feel any better this early. In fact, in some ways you may feel worse. For me, I was simply devastated and reeling with shock for the first 6 months. I hoped and expected that once the A was over and we had been in counseling for a few sessions, I would feel much better; I was naive and wrong. Once I hit 6 months, the shock was subsiding, but the rage was just beginning to rear its vicious head. Honestly that first year was nothing short of one storm of emotions after another. Then came year 2 where I was starting to move from disorientation and survival mode to really processing what had happened, and what it meant for my future. That was an angry and confusing year. Thank goodness for year 3 because that's when the leaps and bounds of healing started.

I don't want to scare you because 3 years sounds like forever when you're standing at the beginning of this journey, but though each prior year was full of pain and anger, they also had times of hope and promise of what could happen. Not every breathing moment was anguish, and my H and I were learning skills and methods to build a strong and loving foundation for our M. The things we learned continue to help our repaired M thrive even today.

Don't beat yourself up about verifying what he says and does; it's certainly normal, and I'd say necessary and smart as you try to rediscover trust. Of course you agonize over the words they exchanged and wonder how he feels about her. There's no shortcut through those things, and you have to give yourself time to process them. Your WH's consistent actions will help you. Over time, as he provides complete transparency and honesty, along with gentle and caring support for you, you will begin to slay many of those demons. Just make sure you don't allow either of you to rugsweep or minimize all that happened. Empower yourself by finding out what all of your options are. Perhaps even see an attorney just to know your rights in case R is not something you seek or can achieve. Nurture yourself in any way you can--eat, try to sleep, drink water, exercise, treat yourself to anything that is not harmful and brings you a moment of peace. Clueless1, you're really early in this nightmare, but it will get better. You will be ok.

lilflower1000 posted 7/17/2014 23:01 PM

I am sorry to say, unless you are much different then anyone else here, you have a long road ahead. I am approaching the second anniversary of Dday and I still think about it daily. The pain is ...just different at this point, but even now it hurts..not the intense gut wrenching pain like you are probably feeling, but it is still there every day. I have yet to have a full 24 hour period when I have not thought about it. I don't talk about it much anymore, but it is there everyday.

I really think you need to move through the pain. It will take time and hard work for you to feel better. It will be a roller coaster. You will begin to feel better and even think you are nearly through it then. WHAM.. It hits you again! I still have moments when I am driving down the road and I have visions of them together having sex or begin obsessing about what he did with her or what they talked about. Sometimes I begin getting crazy thoughts that he is lying about everything and has taken everything underground..logically I know this isn't the case. My WS does everything right, but I still have these thoughts after 2 YEARS!
I am so sorry that you need to live through this pain. Just be sure that you are doing things for yourself daily. Good luck to you.

FixYou71 posted 7/18/2014 02:02 AM

The above posters pretty much covered it. Just want to throw you some empathy and support. Im sorry. I know how hard it is to see and hear the betrayals in your head over and over and have it paralyze you.

Areukiddingme posted 7/18/2014 05:34 AM

DDay 2 plays in my head nearly first thing every morning when I wake up. I will have to say I'm beginning to get somewhat desensitized to it and am thankful for that. When people say 2-5 years for healing, that's just so overwhelming when you're just trying to get through 2-5 minutes. There's lots of support here though. Keep reading and posting.

gottabeabiggirl posted 7/18/2014 10:18 AM

I too am at 3 months out and it's feeling worse than ever. My WH hasn't been doing what he should as you said yours has and that makes it worse.

It's really easy to lose hope and I surely am not convinced I will be there to weather it all with my WH but everyday I try.

I think of (or write down when I remember to get my journal) 3 things I appreciate every day. They can be silly things like having toes to paint or giant things like still having my dad around but it helps a little each morning.

Some nights I cry myself to sleep and my WH doesn't know how to handle it. Today I got asked to please be happy when he comes home from work.

I have stopped trying to fight all the emotions, I want to feel what I need to, no more hiding the pain from him. Its a truly horrible place to be I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I am going through an injury recovery and am unable to do nearly every exercise but I can walk still. Some days I get in 7 miles, take time to myself to hike up a pretty place and watch the sunset, get my favorite ice cream and walk around the shopping center. It has been my salvation, those walks and time to myself.

Please dont feel like something if wrong with you. I hope your WH isn't making you feel that way. 3 months is a drop in the bucket and it wasn't until I found this place last week I realized that. I feel less stressed about not "being better" now and allow myself to feel the pain without guilt.

I am so so sorry you are going through this, I wish I could take it all away for us all here.

clueless1 posted 7/18/2014 13:30 PM

thank you all for your kind words and your support. I have always fancied myself a stable person this has rocked my foundation and it's difficult for me to get a grip. your words of wisdom are incredibly helpful. thanks again I will seek IC

luluphoenix posted 7/19/2014 14:06 PM

I'm now 7 months into this and am just now starting to feel "normal" on a more consistent basis. At three months, I was still crying most days. Hang in there. I know it is so difficult. I read on here about it taking up to 2-5 years and that thought is too much to handle so I do my best to take it day by day. After DD and our decision to try to make it work (immediate counseling for him and me individually and then couples counseling about 3 months in), I randomly gave myself a year to know what I wanted/to see if we improved/I felt happy, etc. Each day I am more optimistic that we will not only survive, but be stronger for it. I hope the same for you.

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