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WabiSabi posted 7/18/2014 00:00 AM

I've struggled with horrible nightmares about my fWH's A since DDay (9/2/2013), but recently they seem to be getting more frequent and I feel like I'm losing my mind. They are so unbearably horrible… they're graphically sexual and disgusting of my fWH and another woman while I'm subjected to standing and watching the horror. Screaming and sobbing in my dreams for them to stop it. I wake up shaking and completely traumatized as if it really happened. The women aren't even always his real AP. They're all varying nurses he works with. They're all women I have never met but have read about on group text threads. And names he mentioned in the past when text flirting with other nurses. Telling them flirtatiously to behave, etc. In my dreams my H is always with them sexually while they all laugh at me and say they're just having a little fun. Which was the first message fWH and AP both said to me repeatedly right after DDay. They were just having a little fun. "Funny Ha Ha" until months later my H realized the severity of what he did and how badly it shattered our M and family.

In real life, my fWH is beside himself trying to fix the horrific mess he made. He has turned himself into someone wonderful. But my nightmares are raging at full speed intensity. Is this common? When does it stop? It's so horrible.

FixYou71 posted 7/18/2014 01:57 AM

Oh dear. Im so sorry. How awful that sounds.
Have you looked into EMDR therapy? I havent tried it but have heard many treated with it and find it helpful. .

Here is a link relating to your traumatic dream situation and treatments. Hope it helps in some way.


[This message edited by FixYou71 at 2:27 AM, July 18th (Friday)]

Lark posted 7/18/2014 02:12 AM

I read your profile and the nightmares make complete sense considering what your husband has done to you.

is your IC experienced with PTSD? Can he/she recommend someone who can work with you on it (in addition to the current IC if you really like the current IC)?

Your husband's betrayal is pretty obscene, even for cheaters... I hope you are able to find a professional who will help you through this.

WabiSabi posted 7/18/2014 07:21 AM

FixYou71… thank you! That link was incredibly helpful. It was fascinating to read from a psychiatrist's perspective and helped me categorize what I'm experiencing. I've heard people talk about EMDR therapy on SI before and just read a detailed description of how it works. I went through an intense 8 weeks of therapy that involved incredibly difficult and grueling homework. It helped to unravel my lifetime of experiences and lay them all out on the table for me to see and label. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted at the idea of finding another therapist and starting from the beginning again with my story. But I'll do what it takes to heal.

Thank you!!

WabiSabi posted 7/18/2014 07:33 AM

Lark, thank you. My husband's betrayal is incredibly obscene and having you all point out what I already know is actually empowering to me. It's validating. I live my life with this hidden secret and pasting a smile on my face to everyone around me all while I'm dying inside. In my isolation I begin to lose perspective, who I am, my value, and I lose focus on what I'm healing from. Hearing others call out the awfulness of what my H did reminds me it's not about me and that it's appropriate for me to be 10 months out and still destroyed.

I think my IC is great, but I'm not sure if she has the training and experience to deal with the complexities of my situation. And now she has removed my IC and switched me to MC. Since my H has "murdered" the evil man inside him I can start moving forward with this new wonderful man and build new trust and love in a new marriage. But every day I look at him and come to a halt screaming inside my head how the hell could you have done that to me!!! I'm not in the mindset to be dating him. In fact, I don't really want any man right now.

tryin2havefaith posted 7/18/2014 07:52 AM

After being diagnosed with PTSD due to my FWH's STA and subsequent STD diagnosis, I ended up turning to hypnosis. No, not to forget the whole event, but rather to dampen the trauma created by the betrayal. To retrain the brain. After about a week I really began to feel a difference. I worked through one trigger at a time as they came up. That coupled with meditation and yoga, I was able to quiet the "screaming" that was going on internally in my head. This allowed me to finally rest and abate most of the nightmares. I found the hypnosis online and it didn't cost more than a simple meal out. Feel free to PM me and I will happily share.

WabiSabi posted 7/18/2014 08:06 AM

tryin2havefaith… I haven't posted enough to be able to PM?? But I think you can PM me? I would love to learn more about your hypnosis treatment. Thank you!

tryin2havefaith posted 7/18/2014 16:59 PM

Wabisabi...PM sent.

steppingup posted 7/18/2014 17:18 PM

WabiSabi, check with your IC about PTSD, I have had horrible nightmares since my WW first affair back in 2001, get help! Her behaivor caused me such trama i have been living with depression, etc. You can overcome this. You need to feel safe again.

blakesteele posted 7/18/2014 17:46 PM sorry. I can relate to this.

PTSD-like symptoms is what I was diagnosed with.

That whole "watching my wife have wild, unprotected sex with a middle aged dumpy man while they smiled at just sitting on a chair watching" dream? Yeah, I had those.

They DO get better.

Keep your iPhone or a piece of paper by your bed.

My dreams sometimes went into "other settings".....military containment units, jungles, caverns, nighttime rains, storms. Main actors taking on different roles. The "feel" of the movies was the same as the sex nightmares.....helpless, dark, twisted. When my dreams moved into this arena and would wake me I would scramble to write down as many details as I could.

Then I would piece those details together into a "plot" and try to recreate it from start to finish.

Then I would re-write the ending.

Wierd, huh? It worked for me.

almost 2 years out.....these sorts of dreams have reduced in frequency....maybe 1-2 times a week....sometimes less.

My repeated work above has me having a "Oh yeah, I've seen this movie before" attitude MOST of the time. sometimes I still wake up short of breath and sweating...but that is really rare now...maybe 1 time a month?

EMDR? Heard good things about this...but stopped short. I reasoned I needed to feel the pain in as much quantity as I could because my CoD nature is still tempting me back to it. If my pain lessons I am concerned I will have the motivation necessary to CHANGE! And, Lord knows I desire to change!!!

Feelings change. These dreams WILL change. Don't make the mistake of assuming and projecting what is going on today will be going on tomorrow. That leads to hopelessness.

God is with us all.

cardnial posted 7/18/2014 17:58 PM

I could not deal w/ it all, the checking and looking at every text. It was just too much, I wish u all blessing but having lived thru 40 some yrs, man it am done! The behavior of so many yrs cannot be changed, they try but it never works. I am sorry, my story, hope your's will turn out right.

WabiSabi posted 7/18/2014 22:43 PM

Steppingup… I do need to feel safe. That's a big problem for me right now. I worked exhaustively with my IC on the PTSD (or PISD as I read it called that somewhere else). She said my continuing anxiety and frequent attacks of generalized but enormous fear are because I don't feel safe. And safety comes from within me. Well, that's a pretty tough thing to find when I'm a SAHM with three young children in grade school, I gave up a pretty fabulous career almost 15 years ago that I can't get back, and I've been with my H since I was 18 years old. So I have to set all of that aside and still create safety in my newly shattered world.

WabiSabi posted 7/18/2014 23:09 PM

blakesteele… thank you. I read a lot of what you write and have for a long time. Many of the frequent commenters here have become familiar to me, even though I haven't interacted with many of them. That familiarity and sense of camaraderie is a source of safety and reassurance each time I read through conversations. It's a big reason I don't venture out of the Reconciliation Forum, except to pour through the Wayward side for insight finding missions. I don't know the people in the other forums. Anyway, you are one of those people for me. I read your post on Co-Dependency a while ago and Dixie's post on the push-pull phenomenon (I think my memory is correct here-I'm sorry if I'm relating this incorrectly). I was so appreciative of the things you both wrote and it helped direct me in my own reading.

I read about writing down your dreams/nightmares and rewriting the ending or substantively tweaking the content. They're so etched into my brain I think I could still vividly relate all the details. I feel hopeful that that worked for you and I see the potential in that working for me. I will try it. Thank you!

Cardnial… I completely understand and there are so many days when I feel like that, too. But I want my M. I loathe what my H did, but I still want my M to work. I just have to make sure the reasons for staying and bettering myself and family are for the right reasons (healthy reasons) and that I do it in a healthy way for me.

blakesteele posted 7/19/2014 12:50 PM

Your welcome WabiSabi.

Take comfort this is a short lived phase. It is acutely painful but facing it head on through that method sped me right through it. I also used OTC sleep aides.

I had an "uncomfortable" dream last night, so I am not all better. But it did quickly go to a "oh yeah, that one" feeling. I can totally handle that!!!

You can too!!!!!

Keep posting. Keep facing these demons.

I pray my wife does not choose adultery again. But exercises like this and others have me in a very different spot.

You ARE healing. You ARE growing.

When you're going through hell, keep on going. Dreams are just another way to help you feel. Gotta feel to heal!


WabiSabi posted 7/20/2014 01:16 AM

"Gotta feel to heal"... That is so true. Thank you. I want time to pass. :-(

TheGivingTree posted 7/20/2014 15:45 PM

Hi WabiSabi,

My PTSD symptoms were so bad my psychiatrist put me on a newish type of therapy. He put me on prazosin, which is a blood pressure medication, but instead of the dosage for blood pressure issues, I take 2 mg at night before bed. Dosage for BP issues start around 20mg. The difference has been life changing. I now sleep pretty much nightmare free. While I still have issues to deal with, not having nightmares has given me the internal resources to be able to deal with things much better. You might wish to ask your doctor about this. I hope you find relief soon.

Hatemyhusband posted 7/20/2014 16:14 PM

I had to take sleeping PILLS (multiple) and Ativan. I couldn't have restful nite sleep wo all. (8months ago DD). I would wake screaming, shaking, heart racing. I would twitch all nite and startle like falling off cliff.

This helped. I still have vivid dreams but I sleep thru. I weaned myself off sleeping pills. Started 3 months ago. 4 to 3 to 2 to 1 to 3/4 to 1/2 to 1/4. Days weaning off each dose.
All was good. When I tried to wean off the 1mg Ativan, BAM! Back where I was.

So for now, I'll continue with that one pill. Next week, I'll try again.

WabiSabi posted 7/20/2014 22:36 PM

TheGivingTree... Thank you for sharing your experience. Prazosin was actually one of the suggested treatments in the link FixYou shared above. I have low blood pressure, so I'm concerned about fainting issues with that. But it sounds like all you need for it to be effective is a tiny dose. The article didn't reveal that part. So maybe it might be an option for me. Right now I'm trying the hypnosis link tryintohavefaith sent me and blakesteele's suggestion to rewrite my dreams. But I woke up with another one this morning. I dreamt I was in a cave in the dark in a row boat and I was trying to find my way out. The deeper distress was I had to leave my little bunny behind on a rock. Scared and left behind. So I may look into Prazosin. Thank you!

WabiSabi posted 7/20/2014 22:46 PM

Hatemyhusband... That's why I've been avoiding taking any sleeping pills, AD, or anti-anxiolytics. I'm afraid of the bigger mess I might be trying to wean off of them. But I do take 2 Benadryl every night. Every single night. If I don't I can't sleep at all. Even with it I may not sleep but at least I have a chance of it. Nightmares and not sleeping are so awful. I hope you find a healthy solution with Ativan. Xanax didn't help me. So I only took it one time.

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