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Newest Member: DJC1978 (60705)

User Topic: I think others feel this way
♂ 37664
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've tried to put the betrayal behind me . Our MC has convinced me to leave the past in the past and only look to the future .Well I'm starting to wonder how my future would be without my WW . Have any of you wondered this . I'm contaplteding moving out and see what life brings me ?

married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty

Posts: 228 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
♀ 42654
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In June you posted that your W was still blamshifting, not taking full responsibility for her decisions to have As. You said she was blaming it on the marriage. After that many infidelities I would be highly considering what you are if this is the case.
Is she doing IC along with your MC? Has there been any headway at all in this area? I am sure you already know there can not be healing without true remorse and blameshifting does not fit with true remorse.

H: 50
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 22 and DS 18
Married 1993

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
♂ 41157
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, I have wondered quite a bit about that lately. I could see myself being pretty damn happy with just my kids and without the WW. I would sure miss the company of a woman, though. I'm not making any plans yet.

Posts: 417 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need a new MC

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think contemplating life after D really helps in the D-R decision-making. You can't really say 'yes' to an option unless you understand the implications of 'no'.

Of course, with an unremorseful WS, the 'no' option tends to look more attractive as time goes on.

WRT your MC, unless your W changes herself from cheater to goof partner, the past is not necessarily past.

As of September, 2017 -
fBH (me) - 70+, fWW, Married 50, together 50+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 16260 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♂ 35924
Member # 35924
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The past is indeed past, but what happened then affects us now.

I can't ignore that how I think and feel about my marriage is now different from pre D-day. Acceptance and forgiveness won't reset the reality of what happened and turn us back into the people we used to be.

And in our new realities, it may well be that we may be better off without our spouses than with them.

For me, I've contemplated that very equation and concluded I am better with her than without her. But that's just my situation. Your mileage may vary.

Me: BH
Her: WW
D-Day: 2/19/2010
Married 1981
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable

Posts: 426 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
♀ 31421
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She has been cheating your entire marriage so to put the past behind you would be to ignore that she has a different view of marriage than you. Her track record would guarantee the same. She knows you stay no matter what she does.

I left to save my future, my self respect, and to possibly to find someone who values me and shares the same belief on how a marriage should be.

We are the same age and it is hard to start again, but you have given forgiveness over and over and at some point you have to put yourself first. We can't fix what is wrong with them, we can't love them into faithfulness, we can't fill the void that makes them run into the arms of other broken people. All we can do if make sure they do not destroy us.

Don't leave to see what else is out there, leave to find yourself. You will probably realize that you have neglected you all these years to prop up her insecurities. Mine looked and acted confident, but was insecure and what I thought was strength most people saw arrogance.

Posts: 2327 | Registered: Mar 2011
Topic Posts: 7

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