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Newest Member: Sarah5479 (61853)

User Topic: Resent some married people, how to reframe?
Helen of Troy
♀ 26419
Member # 26419
Question  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a hard time with hearing married women complain about things like their husband leaving his socks on the floor or not taking out the trash. Meanwhile I run myself into exhaustion trying to do the parenting, working, school, etc. with no help.
A 2x4 won't help. It would help to know I'm not alone on this feeling.
Question is how to reframe this? I want to be part of a paticular social group but hearing these types of comments really turns me off. Finding another group is not an option. Creating my own is not an option either. Being alone is an option but not an attractive or healthy one.

Posts: 4809 | Registered: Dec 2009
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If they are friends, can't you gently say 'hey, I'd love to have that problem', and let them know that you can be sad about the contrast?

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 30853
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to feel like that and still do every once in a while. But, truth be told, there are a lot of times when I feel sort of glad that I'm not married anymore. Don't get me wrong - I would have stayed married for life if he wasn't a lying, cheating shit bag. I would like to be in a committed relationship again one day, but I don't know that, after living without him for almost 4 years now, that I would ever want someone living in the same house with me again.

When I hear the complaints from my married friends about the mess, the lack of cooperation and help, the tuning each other out, the lack of sex, and the fights, it doesn't make me envious. I don't know when that thought process turned around, but somewhere along the way, I just started thinking what a pain in the ass it is to have another adult living with me.

It may also come from the fact that my exwh barely helped me. I worked full time in a difficult career, took care of the kids, cooked, grocery shopped, cleaned, arranged for all the appointments, dropped the kids off at school/day care, etc., etc., etc. When he left, the only thing I had to start doing was taking out the garbage and handling the bills. He did nothing else. I now get the pleasure of seeing that he also does nothing much at his new house with OW. The Christmas lights were up until the end of May. The grass is always too long. The kids tell me that their rooms are always a mess and it's mostly dad's clothes that are thrown all over the place. They come home from visitation in clothes that are too small or not right for the season because he doesn't do laundry regularly. The list goes on and on.

So, while I know it hurts and it gets tedious being all on your own with kids sometimes, try to remember that being married - a lot of the time - isn't all it's cracked up to be. You are the captain of your own ship now and hopefully one day you will see how liberating and freeing that can be.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 3876 | Registered: Jan 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ 24239
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't know what's really going on in their lives; venting about socks on the floor could just be the tip of the iceberg. Instead of resenting, try stbm's tactic of being thankful your not married to a jerk anymore.

I feel bad for my friends when I hear stuff like this. I try to be an ear for them when they need it.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 10:38 AM, July 18th (Friday)]

You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.

Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
Him: WXH-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011

Posts: 25302 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kinda depends on the day. Sometimes I am thankful to no longer be when a good friend was complaining that her sink was always filled with dishes every morning when she got up. I commented, "Mine is always clean now. The only person to blame if it isn' me."

Sometimes I miss the camaraderie of family days, or quick weekend getaways with the whole family. Those pictures/talks hurt. But, it only hurts because I want that back.

I try to offer a different view point sometimes, "Well...think about it...the two of you are arguing because he bought the wrong kind of yogurt! Remember the bigger picture...he BOUGHT yogurt." That kinda stuff.

Just depends on the day and how I feel. Sometimes I tune it out and just enjoy being with my friends.

me...BS, 46 years old.

Posts: 4738 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
♀ 33698
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If this helps-- I was just talking to someone about a mutual friend. On FB, she just posted pictures of their wonderful anniversary weekend away together. You'd think they were the happiest of couples; they just bought an old home that they are fixing up, she just got a better-paying and more prestigious job where she works, and they have two healthy children.

Reality? Their marriage is going down the drain. The only reasons the wife doesn't want to get divorced is because of finances and how it would hurt their children. She doesn't even want to bother with counseling; she just wants out. They apparently fight all the time. I would never have known just from having superficial conversations with this friend and seeing her posts on FB.

The grass isn't necessarily greener-- just the facade is. I'm glad to be alone and living relatively well instead of in a marriage where I feel drained and unhappy. I don't care how that looks to the rest of the world-- I was happy to sacrifice the facade for a happier reality as a single mom.

FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 4079 | Registered: Oct 2011
♀ 41033
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know just how you feel HoT. You don't want to be a jerk but sometimes you just want to say "Oh Shut Up!" Sometimes trying to change the subject helps. But I have in some instances limited my exposure to particular women.

In my very interesting social circle only two of us are single women and the rest are married and either retired or don't work. I am literally the only one with a job. And I'm the only one who cleans my own house and does my own gardening. We all get together on Friday nights and when the women start the pity party about how exhausted they are I get up and go talk to their husbands.

I've found that men talk about different stuff. I've heard what it's like to parachute out of military planes surrounded by jeeps and other equipment that is floating down on parachutes around you. Or what it was like to go a mission to Antarctica to search for rare meteorites. And then there is one husband that was a decorated ace fighter jet pilot in the Israeli army and was good friends with King Hussein and Queen Noor. And another's husband was in the Nigeria with the Peace Corps when the civil war started and he spent four years flying a doctor around in a small plane to battlefield putting people back together again. It beats the living hell out of underwear complaints.

Posts: 900 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm, I'm probably one of those people you would hate. Dishes, and trash, and socks, oh my.

I think there is a strong instinct to commiserate sometimes. It's not that I don't appreciate having an SO, but talking strictly about how great everything is seems gauche.

Maybe they are just trying to relate to your struggles in the best way they know how?

Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3640 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to say something like "well, there aren't any socks to pick up, but the rest of the chores all fall to me!" This lead to what felt like redirecting the focus to me instead of being sympathetic, so I changed it a bit.

I usually say "I don't miss the days of being frustrated at a husband's lack of respect!"

Because for me? Knowing that it all falls on me allows me to plan and carry the responsibility without the resentment. To me, it feels easier than it did with a "Partner" who added to the work and the attitude that came with anything he did wasn't worth it.

I do know what it feels like to feel like I don't have anything to add to the "complain about the husband" conversation. Mothers of small children do the same thing, and I have only "I remember" stories to add to the conversation.

Me: 45, independent, happy, despite parallel parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 15 DS 12
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 7052 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
♂ 42650
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AMEN! yes when I'm putting up with my WW and all the emotional drama and lies and cheating I have to deal with people telling me how frustrated they are about simple easy to fix stuff between W and H like who is going to take the kids to the birthday party etc.

SIGH....why does life seem so unfair sometimes!!!

[This message edited by steppingup at 5:42 PM, July 18th (Friday)]

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: New York
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm thrilled I don't have to deal with that crap anymore! Better them than me!

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10722 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
♀ 16591
Member # 16591
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perspective is a dynamic psychological state. Interesting to contemplate, isn't it?

For someone frustrated at dirty's the worst situation ever. For the person with perspective to the contrast - it seems petty and irrelevant. Both views are truth - to the individual.

When my friends complain about their reality, I try to lend my ear, support, and care. As they do for me.

Posts: 1372 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: San Diego
♂ 36857
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just think that people have THEIR lives. I don't want my friends or family to filter their lives when talking to me because my XWW cheated on me. It's a focus away from me, which is good. It reminds me that it's not all about me!

If I had a friend that was trivial or petty all the time, that would bother me because of the shallowness but not because I am divorced and don't share their shallow annoyances.

If this was a 2 x 4 and didn't help, sorry. It's just how I try to see things. Notice I said "try"! :)

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 6 (5 and 2 on DDay)
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12

Posts: 1288 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Topic Posts: 13

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