[This message edited by somebody at 11:12 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]
But until and unless she too wants R and you two can find common ground then R doesn’t have a chance in h@ll.
So did you act too quickly? IHMO then no. You have deleted your story so I don’t know much about it, but once discovered and in the open our options as a BS are limited to reconciliation (if conditions are met) and termination of the relationship. It sounds as if your partner gave you a response in refusing to end it with OM so what options did you have? Leave or share her?
I left my fiancé a few weeks before our marriage when I walked in on her and OM. I loved her to pieces and I went through immense pain. She tried to get back to me through my parents and my nearly-future in-laws. But for ME ending the relationship that very moment I walked in on them was the absolute, no questions asked correct response.
edited to clarify.
[This message edited by Bigger at 9:18 AM, July 18th (Friday)]
I didn't find SI at my first DDay and I desperately wanted to try to R. I just had to give it another shot. I got a false R, a lot of awful deep and terrible lies, a month's worth of insomnia, and a really incredibly hurtful--like, wilfully hurtful--second DDay.
On the one hand, at that point I knew what I was dealing with and that it would have never worked.
But if I had SI I would have seen that it was false R on my own and started healing faster.
Everyone has to walk away at their own pace. But I have seen so many second chances thrown in the face of the BS. Don't offer one unless you have really done the work to detach and she has really stepped up. You can't make this decision based on the pain of missing her and still loving her, because those are blind reactions, and the actual situation often doesn't warrant the hope that you are harboring.
If she stays in IC and is willing to really do the work you can try to R. But be clear about conditions and watch her actions before doing anything. I think it is too soon for you to be offering to try again. Her guilt is no kind of guarantee.
Know that you'll recover from the pain and be okay without her, too.
[This message edited by somebody at 11:13 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]
Someone with true remorse would be dedicating her time to trying to make your world right again, not chatting with her f*ckbuddy on Facebook and whining about not being able to spend time with her friends.
What you're doing is EXACTLY right. She'd have to show a hell of a lot more effort than she's currently showing in order to get me to even consider reconciliation, if I were you.
She's too young or immature to,give up her friends which includes OM.
Don't put to much stock in her going to IC. It may not have a thing to do,with your relationship with you. She has other issues based on your brief description.
Danger alert. You seem to be asking g how soon you should attempt R. You've sold yourself on e fact of R without knowing if she has one speck of remorse. Don't do that to yourself.
she is racked with guilt.
She is still talking to the OM though, and probably seeing him (I don't have confirmation of that though). She says there are no feelings for OM. During the period I also suspect she went home with other random men after being out.
That is not guilt, nor is it any effort to accept and cherish a gift of R.
I'm so sorry.
I think she does want R but she was torn between her friends and me
Then no she doesn't want to R.
If her friends are not a friend of the marriage and she is choosing them over you, then what is the point?
Since then I have seen she is still talking to him on Facebook
If there is NC, R will not work. There can't be three of you in this marriage unless you consent to this.
R comes down to choices. Commitment. VERY hard work.
Your WW wants to R on her terms. She still gets to hang out with her friends and talk to the OM.
If she truly wants to R then she will be doing anything you need to feel like it is worth staying.
It starts with NC under any circumstances.
Start defining your conditions for R. If she can't or won't meet them then you have your answer.
Continue to 180* and move forward.
Also if she really wanted to reconcile then she simply would have contacted you, directly or indirectly. Maybe she doesn't want a relationship which reminds her she's a lying cheat. Maybe she wants to start again with someone new. A clean slate where she doesn't have a dirty conscience.
First, no contact with the OM is non-negotiable. How could you ever trust her again if she is still in touch with him? It is not possible - your relationship will be poisoned. She will have to find new friends - but that is a lot easier than finding a new husband.
Second - fixing a relationship after infidelity is possible - but really hard. 5 weeks in is still early in the process. In many cases, your altitude will change,your anger will probably grow and your desire to have her back will fade over time.
I suggest a 6 month to a year period between DDay and the decision to R. That time should be used to heal and to rebuild yourself after this trauma. During this time - and for the rest of your lives, she should make her life completely transparent to you - you get full, unquestioned access to all phones, computers, accounts, credit card bills, phone bills..... this is necessary to restore trust. Trust takes a long time to rebuild. You can't just grant it.
Next, set expectations - your and hers. R is hard - there will be times of anger, disgust, desire, loss, grief, distrust, need..... you may go through phases where you can't stand to touch her. You may trigger at almost anything. This emotional rollercoaster will fade - but for the next 2 years your marriage will most likely suck.
If you both are strong, you can get past this, but it is not easy.
Anyway, I've been reading a lot on this site, and I wonder if I ended things too quickly. For some reason, I still have some sliver of hope we'll reconcile
From your story, I don't know if you're married, I am guessing you are not. You can help her by telling her to stop lying to her therapist and to fix whatever is wrong with her. Childhood problems or alcohol/drugs, whatever.
But if she is just randomly taking guys home with her, it sounds as if she is certainly not ready to settle down and get married.
Yet, in your first post in this thread you say,"Since then I have seen she is still talking to him on Facebook. I don't doubt they have seen each other in public as well."
Which is it?
[This message edited by somebody at 11:14 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]
You should,be thankful you dodged a bullet aimed straight at your heart.
Your ONS , which is not acceptable, had no impact on this because she did not know. So revenge affairs are ruled out.
And as bad as your behavior was, it never happened again which to me does not meet what she did in carrying on a physical and emotional affair that she did not voluntarily end.
She cannot now use that as excuse.
You will be in constant detective mode if you try to R and that can be a trying existence.
It's your call but my vote would be to tell her you want no part of her anymore.