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User Topic: Critique my Old profile please
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, so I recently saw 3 really good looking profiles on OLD, and I sent them messages. One guy actually graduated a year before me at the same law school, and lives 20 minutes away from me now! In his profile, I felt like he was describing me when he said what he was looking for. I did not get any responses to the message that I sent him or the other two good guys. So, I'm wondering if maybe my OLD profile has red flags or is somehow turning people away. Can you please critique my "About Me" section below? There are other sections that just ask what I enjoy doing and my fun things, which I list things like going to the beach, kayaking, wine tasting, and traveling. But I don't know if my main section is somehow turning good men away. Here it is:

Hi :) I moved to ______ around 4 years ago, and I love living in this area. My favorite time of the year is the summer, and I love being near the water on the weekends. Some of my favorite summer activities include kayaking, going to the beach, and reading a book outside.

I'm a mix of both an introvert and an extrovert. I have weekends where I stay very busy spending time with friends, but then I also love just spending time cuddled up on the couch with my cat watching a good movie.

I'm looking for a serious relationship. The most important qualities to me in a man is honesty, respectfulness, and being happy with himself. I'm looking for someone that is settled in life. Being able to have a good conversation is also important to me, and I'd like to find someone who is both happy hanging out with our friends and spending time at home alone together.

How should I change it? At first I had a paragraph about me loving my job, but removed that because I thought it might be intimidating. I also used to have a paragraph about loving to travel, but removed that because I didn't want to give the impression that I was ALWAYS traveling. So I'm trying to keep it light and basic, but I'm not getting any responses to my messages.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1339 | Registered: Jul 2013
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This seems true to you, which is the most important thing; I guess maybe your descriptions are a little generic? You could try to add something in the second paragraph like "I also admit to sometimes enjoying the extra hours I sometimes have to put in at my work--I love my job that much." It doesn't have to be about your work, but you get the idea--something that is distinctive to you.

If your wanting a serious relationship is a turn-off for someone, I don't think that person is for you. I am not generally a fan of listing the qualities you're looking for, though--maybe try this?

I'm happy with the life I've established here, from my career to my friends, but I'm looking for a conversation partner who can join me on my outings and stay in with me at home sometimes. It would be great to share the good things in life together.

Also, while these guys sound fine, don't get invested to early. And you can not date for a while too, remember?


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, while these guys sound fine, don't get invested to early. And you can not date for a while too, remember?

Haha, I know. I'm not getting invested, just curious why none of the professional men ever send me messages. It seems like the only messages I get are from unemployed guys, or guys that have 3 kids with 3 different mothers. I just want to put the best version of myself out there, and then wait for it to happen I guess.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1339 | Registered: Jul 2013
asurvivor
♂ 32368
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a friend who is thinking of getting into the OLD thing and asked me what I thought he should do. I told him he should perhaps post a pic of himself with his shirt off, a beer in one hand and in the other hold a sign above his head that says "pick me" with an arrow pointing down at his camouflage hat. Now this may not be for you but just thought I would put it out there.


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 586 | Registered: Jun 2011
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I received a lot more responses when I figured out to just be myself.

I don't show my "best self", I show my "real self".

That I plant too many tomatoes in my garden and I could get lost in a good book on a rainy day. I will beat most anyone in ping-pong. Just little snip-its that show my personality.

I get a lot of comments that my profile is "genuine".


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4279 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
brokeninfl
♀ 21896
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know anything about OLD - but I'm just going to ditto what the others have said. Your profile sound nice - but not overly interesting -- and you ARE and interesting person.

like cmgeo said -- sometimes showing a little of the imperfect side makes you seem more real and approachable.

Like I said - -I don't do OLD, but my sister is a long time OLD dater - and when she would send me profiles to look at for different guys she liked - the ones that stood out to me were the interesting ones -- the ones that showed their personality - quirks and all. I don't know if guys are the same way - but I'd suspect as least some are.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
deceivedguy
♂ 44049
Member # 44049
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My two cents...
I actually like the profile. If I were on the market, and liked your picture, this is all I'd need to know, to want to contact you.

Unless I was inundated with thousands of messages to respond to, I don't mind finding out more through messages.


Me (49), WW (44), 2 Awesome DDs
DDay 6/2/2014 - 16 years married
Possibly new or continuing A, currently.
Worst experience of my life. Still having a tough time dealing with this. I appreciate your support, more than I can express.

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Indiana
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At first I had a paragraph about me loving my job, but removed that because I thought it might be intimidating.

If a guy is going to be intimidated that you love your job you shouldn't want them to contact you! I'd generally advise against going into specifics (i.e. mentioning title, employer, or money ), but unless you are looking to support someone, knowing that they are happy and motivated in their profession is generally a positive. Just say you have a career in the legal field and love it. It's part of who you are, embrace it.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3571 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Red Sox Nation
♂ 26358
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems like the only messages I get are from unemployed guys, or guys that have 3 kids with 3 different mothers. I just want to put the best version of myself out there, and then wait for it to happen I guess.

Yes... those guys will message anyone and everyone based on the pictures alone. You don't have to respond to those. They're used to it.

Since the message is the first thing your potential contacts will read, that's very important. It should be short, light, show that you read his profile and liked something in it, and invite a response.

Your About Me seems a bit generic - designed to try not to offend. I expected to read that you're comfortable both in blue jeans and in your little black dress. But there's nothing in there that would turn me off as long as I like cats (and I'm OK with the occasional grammar typo - "important qualities... is").

What do you like reading and why? Try expanding on an anecdote that shows something interesting about your personality.

The idea of a profile is to try to let someone who is a good fit imagine his life with you a little bit.

Even when structuring my searches and limiting myself to messaging good fits, I only got about 40-50% response on my first messages. So when you're shooting at the top of your dating class, you need to be OK with misfires. You need a strong stomach for this, because working hard at this gets you better results, but also results that can be more discouraging on occasion.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1921 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the suggestions. I'm going to work on it some, and then will post the modifications


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1339 | Registered: Jul 2013
ProbableIceCream
♂ 37468
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

not to nitpick, but

The most important qualities to me in a man is honesty, respectfulness, and being happy with himself.

should be

The most important qualities to me in a man are honesty, respectfulness, and being happy with himself.



Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 852 | Registered: Nov 2012
Lostly
43953
Member # 43953
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have a great start. I would add a few more details about your personality. Have you ever wanted to travel and if so where and why? Why do you love living in xxxx area? What does xxxxx place have that you enjoy doing? Why do you love the water? Add more detail.

Eg. I love summer and the water because it reminds me of memories of my sister and I playing by the beach when we were young. I especially love taking an evening stroll barefoot along the beach while enjoying an ice cream. Or, When I retire would really love to get involved in the community helping non profit organizations that provide legal counsel for underprivileged women. That kind of thing.

How do you approach them if you like their profile?


BW 48 - Multiple d-days
Divorced 2012 after 19 yrs
6 smart, beautiful, amazing kids Dd 19; Ds 17; Dd 15; Ds 13; Ds 11; Dd 10

Sometimes I hear my voice, and it's been here, silent all these years. I've been here, silent all these years.


Posts: 108 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Australia
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have written a beautifully positive profile.

I agree that a few more details would allow someone to start a conversation with you. For example, if you say you are fascinated with world war 2 era in europe, that gives someone an ice-breaking topic to start engaging with you on.
In your profile, kayaking seems the main interest that someone could start a conversation with you about since cat cuddling or beach walking are not great convo starters. Can you be more specific?

I agree with Crescita about finding a way to share just a little about your work in the legal field.

A few other thoughts, take what appeals and ignore the rest...

I specifically wanted to be with a man who enjoys making his woman happy. Some men feel good when they can accomplish that, and other men are looking more for a woman to make them happy. Obviously it goes both ways, but since I spent so much time married to a man who did not make it his priority to make his wife happy I was interested in trying something else. So I specifically put things in my profile that a man could read and think to himself, 'Oh, I could make this woman happy!' When I read your profile it is not clear to me that a man could see themselves making you happy. You seem content on your own.

Perhaps this is not what you are looking for the way I was looking for that, so don't worry about it. But if you are looking for a man who wants to make you happy, put something in your profile that leaves that opening.

These days, as women we have to be self-sufficient. You sound very self sufficient in your profile too. But where do you need a man? I don't mean where are you a pathetic weakling without a man, but what role does a man fulfill in your life?

It was weird for me to think about that when I was writing my dating profile, but I did come to a place of understanding that I do need a man to make me feel beautiful, loved, cherished, wanted, and supported. It's not that I cannot feel these things without a man, but that a man has such an important role in providing that for his woman and I wanted to move forward with dating with admitting that, recognizing that and respecting that.

I am now in a relationship that is imperfect as all relationships are, but I am enjoying the experience of being with a man who says to me, 'my favorite power is the power to make you happy.'


BS, now age 54, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5942 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
brokeninfl
♀ 21896
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry to t/j -- but inner light -- this was so interesting to me - and really made me think. This never would have occurred to me (or even been on my radar as a "quality" i wanted in a guy - but it so perfectly sums up something that I've never been able to articulate.

I specifically wanted to be with a man who enjoys making his woman happy. Some men feel good when they can accomplish that, and other men are looking more for a woman to make them happy. Obviously it goes both ways, but since I spent so much time married to a man who did not make it his priority to make his wife happy I was interested in trying something else. So I specifically put things in my profile that a man could read and think to himself, 'Oh, I could make this woman happy!' When I read your profile it is not clear to me that a man could see themselves making you happy. You seem content on your own.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These days, as women we have to be self-sufficient. You sound very self sufficient in your profile too. But where do you need a man? I don't mean where are you a pathetic weakling without a man, but what role does a man fulfill in your life?

The thing is though, I'm not looking for someone that needs a woman (I think). Ideally, I would like to find someone who is happy and healthy on his own, and then I want to come in his life to compliment what he already has going on. So I think I was maybe trying to say that I'm happy and healthy on my own, and I'm just looking for someone to compliment that in my life. Does that make sense? Is that a bad thing?

For adding details about my job, I feel like people automatically judge the word "attorney" without knowing me. I met a guy at a concert 2 weeks ago, and he went around my group of friends asking what we did. When he got to me, I said "I'm an attorney, love my job." His response was "wow, you don't look like an attorney." After talking with him a little bit, he said that he assumed attorneys look and act uptight, and I didn't seem that way. So I want people to get to know me, not my job.

I am self-sufficient. It was a problem with xwSO. I don't need a man. I make plenty of money to support myself. I have a 3 bedroom house all to myself. I have so many friends I can call on for help with things. I don't NEED a man, but I WANT a man. And that's what I want to convey in my profile I guess. Because I don't want to be with someone who needs me the way my xwSO needed me. When I ended things with him, he ended up stalking me because he said he couldn't live without me. That's not what I'm looking for in a man.

Okay, going to try another shot at this. Let me know what you think.

Me: Happy, honest, fun-loving girl who is looking for someone to enjoy all the random things in life. I'm one of those crazy people who look forward to going to work everyday, and people tell me my eyes light up when I talk about working with my legal clients. Work/life balance is important to me though, and I like turning my legal brain off when I leave the office.

I'm a mix of both an extrovert and introvert. The extrovert part of me loves hosting dinner parties, and my friends always turn to me to plan our next trip or even a night out. The introvert part of me loves sitting in my sun room on a Sunday reading. Sometimes I can be the center of a group, and other times I prefer sitting in the back and watching the interactions.

During the summer, I try to be near the water every weekend. This includes kayaking, the beach, the pool, and the swampy thing in my backyard. During the winter, I am on a competition colorguard team, which probably sounds dorky but is a lot of fun. Another passion is traveling, and I go on one international trip every year.

You: Happy, settled, satisfied with your job, honest, respectful, and looking for a girl to add to your life. You enjoy being outside, but you're also happy spending time inside being lazy. You like to travel, but you prefer to travel with a significant other. You enjoy sitting over a glass of wine (or beer) having a good conversation about topics that interest you. You like 17 year old cats who drink sweet tea out of a cup. You are hopefully taller than me, and don't mind being around a girl that always wears heels.

If any of this sounds good, please send me a message :)


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1339 | Registered: Jul 2013
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a beautiful profile.

What do you think of including that you would like to create a family together? (If all goes well, down the line I see us creating a family together.)

Would you date someone who did not drink alcohol?


BS, now age 54, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5942 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you think of including that you would like to create a family together? (If all goes well, down the line I see us creating a family together.)

Would you date someone who did not drink alcohol?

The alcohol question depends on the person. I went on dates with two guys who didn't drink at all, and they made me feel bad/guilty about having a glass of wine at dinner. I'm not the type of person to go out and get drunk, but I do enjoy a nice glass of wine. So if they're okay with me drinking, it's cool. But I don't want to give up one of the things I enjoy.

I don't want to put the family thing in there because I don't want to seem like one of those girls who immediately want to get married and start having kids. I want to take things slowly. My profile has me listed as wanting kids though in the search criteria.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1339 | Registered: Jul 2013
Red Sox Nation
♂ 26358
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that's a significant improvement. I still would like to see some of the details that make your personality come alive. Rather than make conclusions yourself ("sounds dorky"), let the reader reach them himself.

To the person you want to date, you aren't dorky at all. You almost sound like you're apologizing for having interests. And, I'm sure you know this, but it reads a little like it was written by a lawyer to cover all possible interpretations of you as a woman.

The only people who matter are the ones you want to meet. Project confidence.

I agree about the kids thing. The guys who are serious about using OLD will pick that up from your preferences.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1921 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still would like to see some of the details that make your personality come alive.

What other details? I feel like I added more details about myself than in the first one. I'm not sure what else to put in there. I can remove the dorky comment though.

And, I'm sure you know this, but it reads a little like it was written by a lawyer to cover all possible interpretations of you as a woman.

Actually, nope, didn't realize that. I'm complicated in that I love to work, but I also need to be with someone that can leave work at work. I love to travel, but I don't want to date someone who travels by himself or with friends all the time. I can be very outgoing, but I can also be very shy. I think partly why I have such a difficult time finding a guy to date is that I'm looking for a bunch of qualities that usually don't go together.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1339 | Registered: Jul 2013
Red Sox Nation
♂ 26358
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I think it is improved. I still think it reads a little like, well, that John Irving story "A Sound Like Someone Trying Not to Make a Sound" if that makes sense. Almost like you're apologizing.

We all have those inherent contradictions. All of us. The profile is for the guy you want to meet. He needs to imagine himself with you. That's why the little details stand out. What are you reading? What is your life like? Be confident without the pitfall of making lists of what you don't like (you don't do this), so he feels like you're someone he has to impress.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1921 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 41
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