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Newest Member: FrustratedJoker (61483)

User Topic: Push him away or keep him close?
♀ 43824
Member # 43824
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm conflicted. 4 weeks into our attempt to R and WS feels like I am pushing him away. I admit that I'm still really trying to wrap my mind around everything that has happened (3-4 mo A with coworker) and that at times I just want to be angry, bitter & distant. I feel like I'm entitled to these feelings and I don't expect them to go away overnight (if ever). My question is - how do I suppress these emotions enough to keep WS close enough (physically & emotionally) to work on R?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2014
♀ 43170
Member # 43170
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't suppress. You are entitled to them but find a healthy way to vent them. Exercise, a journal, yoga, whatever you need to keep from exploding but don't bury them. They are like zombies from a bad Romero film. They will claw their way to the surface and then you'll have an ever bigger issue. I personally find that I push him away then panic when he starts to pull away. It's a rollercoaster. And I'm sure confused by my reactions, I know he is too.

You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. Joseph Campbell

Posts: 100 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are entitled to your feelings. It is normal to want to hold him so close, yet at the same time want to push him away. Your WS is the person who would normally comfort you, not cause the pain. That's a huge thing to wrap our heads around. It is a crazy rollercoaster of emotions. Please take care of you - journaling, posting here, doing things that make you feel good, lots of water, ADs if needed. Sending you strength.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:44 PM, July 18th (Friday)]

Posts: 50786 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ 32214
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he really wants to stay with you, he will just have to get used to the roller-coaster. Those feelings of love and hate will bounce all over the place for quite some time. I gave my husband the worst of emotional beatings for a couple of years. He still gets a slam every now an then, but mostly we are loving now. It is a rough ride.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1373 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
♀ 41245
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do what you need to do. If he is remorseful he will give you space to heal. Often just having them respect your needs is healing in and of itself.

Married 10 years, together for 15
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 296 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 43496
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my WH about feeling like I want closeness to know I'm wanted and know where he is/what he's up to, but I also want space to sort my thoughts out. So I asked him to come to me- come give me a hug, come hold me in bed, come kids my forehead, etc. because then I'll feel wanted and close without having to put myself out there. And if I'm not in a place to accept his affection I will ask him not to.

It might not work for you, but it helped me.

Me: 33, BW Him: 40, fWH
Together 11y, married 8
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email
Working on R, and it's working

Posts: 3226 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 6

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