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How many Ddays are too many DDays?

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Awaken posted 7/18/2014 18:47 PM

Grappling that another Dday may occur. Reading posts of more than one Dday, Reconciles, then it happens again? How many are too many?

tfkeel posted 7/18/2014 19:04 PM

My second Dday was "it" for me. Although it didn't actually cause me to give up at that point. It was somewhat a "delayed reaction" as I thought about what the second Dday meant.

Second Dday was the day in the counselor's office when he required her to call her AP and end the affair. Right there, in front of me and him.
And she refused.

The counselor turned immediately to me and said "...I think you have every right to end your marriage right now..."

He was correct. What I figured out later, is that her refusal meant that she had watched me hurt for two weeks, lose 13 pounds, walk the streets in disbelief, etc..... and, she had a completely depraved indifference to how her affair affected me and her children.

rachelc posted 7/18/2014 19:37 PM

In the course of 9 months I was raped and I caught my husband in two affairs. I can't believe I'm still standing some days. Yet, I'm healing.
The first dday was life altering, I knew he could do it, the second one was me realizing he had a big problem. One he wouldn't share with me. It's been so very very difficult to forgive myself for staying but I'm waiting , watching and seeing the positive memories can take hold in our new life...
What you should do- decide on your deal breakers and stick to them. File for divorce if you have to, it can always be rescinded...

emotionalgirl posted 7/18/2014 19:55 PM

I am sorry, but I don't think anyone can give you an answer to this question,as I believe this Is very personal to everyone and every situation. What might be good for me, might not be the right answer for you. For example, I have a friend who was only married 6 months when she found out her WH had an A. For her one DDay was enough. For me, I have been married 26 years, walking away at one DDay was not even a consideration.

We all have different beliefs regarding marriage, separation and divorce as well as many other things such as religion and financial circumstances, the involvement of children etc. that effect our views. Combine all of this with the type, length and style of betrayal or A and you have a different set of circumstances for everyone.

You need to think hard about what your line in the sand is and decide exactly how many DDays are too many DDays for you. Good luck, may you find the path you should follow.

marionwendy posted 7/19/2014 01:47 AM

One DD is enough for me! Any more and I'm gone! No chances NONE!

Didact posted 7/19/2014 04:51 AM

I think it totally depends on WW for me.

If the healing and hard work continues, two would be the deal breaker. If we fall back to old ways, one will be too many for me.

hopefull77 posted 7/19/2014 11:43 AM

Rachel...so sorry to read that....

One dday is enough for me.....when I read of others here discovering another A or the first A never ended I cringe....

lifeistough posted 7/19/2014 16:49 PM

I agree with emotionalgirl - it is do dependent on so many variables. Having said that, it's pretty hard for me to imagine reliving another one. But with almost two decades in and with two children, I guess anything is possible. I hope I - and you -never have to find out though.

isitme24 posted 7/19/2014 22:28 PM

I'm pretty sure there won't be a 3rd....for me.

[This message edited by isitme24 at 10:29 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

stunnedin12 posted 7/19/2014 22:33 PM

I think you'll know when you know. Wh had 3 distinct D-days involving the same AP. I knew on April 27, 2013 that that was the final time he'd ever lie to me and 'get away with it'. It has taken over a year for me to wander into this forum, but I have made it abundantly clear to wh that if I get even so much as a whiff of affair partner in his life or anyone else or even a little white lie about blinking that he.is.out. out. out. out. He gets no more chances where being faithful to me is concerned. I just knew. I haven't budged in that thinking.

sunvalley posted 7/20/2014 01:45 AM

I had two Ddays. The first was a discovery of an A that had ended a year prior. two months and many TTs later I discovered it was actually 4PAs, but they had all ended as of the first Dday. On the one hand, it wasn't fair to let me go on that long healing from Dday1 without ALL the information. On the other hand, I don't know that I could have processed it all at once and it definitely would have hindered if not destroyed our chance to R. I'm still ticked about having Dday#2 because it caused me PTSD, however I do understand the reason he chose not to tell me it all on Dday#1. I don't know how I would feel if Dday#2 included realizations that the As were continuing after Dday#1. Once my H realized how deeply this impacted me, continuing the As would have been too big of a blow for me personally...he allowed himself to live in the denial of what he was doing until Dday with a lot of compartmentalization and rationalizing, then he broke down and 'got it' once he realized he had destroyed me, our relationship and family. I don't know or understand how someone cannot realize the impact of their actions to this degree, but he was in such a self loathing dark depressed state prior to Dday. I feel like it was his one chance to change his ways, so if Dday#2 included the realization that the As had continued, it would have been a deal breaker for me. IT's a personal choice, what you can or can't handle living with. For me, the most important factor was that he went NC on Dday#1 even though I didn't know about the 3 other AP existing yet....that proved his choice to focus on his family was real, even if his way of doing so (TTs and hiding the other 3As) sucked. If any of those As had continued til Dday#2, for me personally that would have been a deal breaker. He had his one chance to realize the impact of his actions, I'm not one to hand out multiple chances. But then again, I never thought I'd give him one chance after even a ONS, let alone 4PAs over years until I had to walk in these shoes....moral being, I always felt 1Dday was too much, til I was faced with one.

JLyn1128 posted 7/21/2014 15:31 PM

Like Stunnedin12... we've had 3 DDs with the same AP over a period of about 16 years. This time nearly killed me. I rugswept the first two times and we didn't deal with any of it, really deal with it. So, for me, this is the last time. This time we are dealing with it...including my dealing with my own issues that made our relationship unsatisfying for him. This time, I know I'm working on everything I have control of. If it happens again... I'll know it's not anything to do with me and nothing I can fix. Once I know that...what point would there be to stay. I think it's probably different for everyone.

rachelc posted 7/21/2014 15:57 PM

If it happens again... I'll know it's not anything to do with me and nothing I can fix

honey you do realize none of your Ddays had anything to do with you, don't you?

Chinadoll30 posted 7/21/2014 16:10 PM

For me? A second dday would be it. But I also said that if a first dday occurred, that would be it. And here I am. However, knowing that WH has watched me lose my ever loving shit after this came out, if he did it again, so help me baby Jesus, it would not be pretty. First time you can claim ignorance of the fallout. Second time? Knowing what it did to your BS? Nope.

neecee posted 7/21/2014 17:46 PM

One. One Dday is too many.

RippedSoul posted 7/21/2014 17:50 PM

I consider all mine to be one big fall off the wagon and all part of one "episode." If there were another, well, that would be a second event, a second betrayal. And, unfortunately, I would be done.

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