Any input? He says he will "stop" and is going to SAA. I have my doubts as he has not turned out to be the person I thought I married.
Married 10 years
I feel your pain. So, so sorry. :(
[This message edited by somebody at 11:18 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]
He has been busted and is shell shocked that you actually found out. Now he has to scramble to make up some complete bullshit in hopes you will buy into something you desperately want to believe.
Just breathe. It is exactly what you think it is. I was exactly where you are a year and a half ago. Looking back, I wish I had made him leave just so I could catch my breath and collect my thoughts. My guess is that he has become addicted and you are now facing your future with an addict if you choose to stay with him. It's hard. As another wise poster said once, it's not even *normal* infidelity. Run, don't walk to IC and DEMAND that he go too. A trained professional should evaluate him for sex addiction but, right now, just breathe and read up. It's mentally, physically and spiritually exhausting so just focus on you right now. It shouldn't matter right now what he wants. It should be all about you!
People who really get "just massages" go to real, licensed, therapeutic maseeurs. AND they. Tell. Their. Spouses.
You are both shocked. His secret is out.mfor him, he's scrambling to diffuse the damage in ways he's always done to cope: more secrets, lies, hiding, gaslighting, etc.
For you, the shock relates to confronting this man's dual identity: the husband you know, and the dark person.
Find an IC BUT please vet the IC. Ask him/her first their take on things like porn's capacity to damage a marriage. Too many IC's seem to take a "boys will be boys" stance, and you do not need that shit right now.
You cannot control or change him. That's the shitty, sad, desperate news. But you can protect yourself AND define what you will tolerate in your life.
Finally, here is a link to the sex addicts thread here:
You will find kindred, co passionate souls there,mfacing similar crisis' as yours. Even if you aren't ready to call him a sex addict, the people there will understand your plight and pain.
My husband went to these brothels aka massage parlors. About 160.00 per transaction (usually 80.00 for massage, then 80.00 "tip" for extras. As far as I know -- most places are happy endings only -- meaning hand jobs. I have heard of other places offering oral and more. My husband had a secret credit card that listed his business address instead of our home address. Demand a credit check done right before your eyes. You need his ssn and his permission. You will see where the money went. It will show if he took out loans too. Mine did.
Don't bother calling these places. They won't tell you what they offer over the phone. A lot of them are word of mouth. One he went to was a HAIR SALON that offered extras. Not. Even. Kidding.
There are websites that guys go on to rate the massage parlors. Usually listed by state. You can easily look up the names of the places he has been to and see what "services" they provide. Be prepared -- it is creepy, slimy & disgusting -- reading about what these (mostly) married men have done.
I am so sorry you are here. You will get lots of great advice here.
I think he's a real dope if he thinks for one second that you're going to believe he spent all this time and money at massage parlors but was a little choir boy and never crossed the line. What the hell color is the air on HIS planet?
This is pretty much the same as going to prostitutes. But he's still lying to protect himself. You can't even begin to reconcile with a liar, so right now that would be wasted effort.
When he decides to get HONEST, I guess then you'll have to decide exactly what your limit is and if you want to put in the effort of forgiving and reconciling with him.
Good luck to you.
Now to what happens at AMPs--everything. There are legitimate ones and those that offer sex, up to and including full service vaginal and anal intercourse. I am so sorry but the amount spent alone suggests that your husband has been engaged in sex at these places and possibly more than the run-of-the-mill manual stimulation.
Please, get yourself tested for STDs and get yourself support. You are among friends here.
6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay
[This message edited by determinata at 1:10 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
[This message edited by determinata at 1:09 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
For you, it is all about helping validate all those feelings you have had over the years buts couldn't put your finger on. All the times he assured you that things were "just fine" and, since you desperately wanted to believe that, you did. You have to learn to detach from him right now or you are in for more heartache. This is something I didn't understand for a very long time as it seemed counterproductive if you are hoping to stay together. You really have to look at him as someone you don't really know because, sadly, you don't.
You are however, keenly aware of what he is capable of and, that my friend, is where our souls can be crushed. You are not responsible for any of this even tho I'm sure he is helping you believe the contrary. This was most likely present before you even knew him so, please don't buy into the notion that if you had only been this or done that. It's not about you!
You will learn more and it will set you back a few paces. Another good reason to see the CSAT sooner rather than later so you can start learning how to deal with the information.
Please get into counseling. The vets here tried to tell me that anything less than a CSAT was a waste of time and, they were right. Due to financial barriers we went with a Christian counselor who is completely in the dark about this insidious addiction. I think I should charge him for the education he has gotten since I've been seeing him!
It's seriously mind twisting in every conceivable way so, please, take care of yourself. So many things are hard to understand when you are just beginning this road but, it will make sense later. Try to trust the ones who have gone before you. They truly have your best interest at heart.
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 3:10 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]
You will survive this. I recommend IC for both of you, you to help heal from this trauma, him to find out why he would do this & to work on himself. Boundaries- no massages, full transparency, ect. You have access to phone, computer history. He should not be defensive or blame the marriage.
I'm so sorry, my heart is aching for you because I have been there.
But you will be ok. Drink water, exercise, eat clean. Journal and write here
[This message edited by forgivingnow at 3:25 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]
[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:48 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]
Those of us here are trying to deal with the discovery that our partners have violated the sacredness of our marriages and don't by any means appreciate your not so subtle suggestions that somehow this has happened thru some fault of our own.
Unfortunately you sound like you are completely buying into the absurd notion that any woman who who charge you for any kind of sex act actually has any interest in you other than your wallet.
You should be posting in the wayward forum if you want to share your *wisdom*.
We aren't buying it.
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 8:01 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]