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sadmadsad posted 7/18/2014 22:27 PM

It's been three and a half months since d-day.
I told my BH that I had engaged in three short term affairs over the span of 15 months. They ended about two months before I told him. I told him because he found out that I had an email account that he didn't know about...and started questioning me. I had already had it in my mind that I was going to tell him about the affairs, but when it actually came down it was because he pushed it.

Immediately I set us up for MC...which we have been doing. And for the first couple of months it was going ok. A long-standing issue in our marriage has been his drinking...and of course this stress did cause some very unpleasant drinking situations where he was beligerent and pushed me. In counseling we then tried to establish boundaries about what was ok and what wasn't ok when we argued.

He has been very upset with me for not "telling him I'm sorry" verbally more often. That pain he says then caused him to disconnect...and again in a very bad evening of drunken behavior, he ended up at a bar, with a 20 year old in his back seat. Only to have me, his two 20 something sons discover him there when he didn't come home and we tracked his Iphone. I honestly was worried...and he has always been so self-righteous about never "cheating" that I truly didn't even consider that possibility. It was a Sunday night...after a good weekend...and if I had even thought it was possible I would never have let my sons come with me to find him.

Since that day...he has totally gone off the deep end. The "perfect" father he has always been...has been destroyed in his mind. Even though, I fell on the sword and explained to our boys what I had done. So they WOULDN'T blame him. In fact, they are very forgiving to him...just want things back to normal of course. They are still "kids".

Since that time...he is really no longer "trying". He has repeatedly gone out with his co-workers, even though I ask him not to and he knows it's upsetting me. He doesn't answer texts or phone calls...and when confronted with this behavior, he says it's "not about you" (meaning me)...he just feels disconnected.

SO...our relationship had issues before. Too many to explain, but mental health issues that are compounded by alcohol abuse..on his part. I know that I failed by not setting boundaries, by letting myself become so unhappy that I was willing to risk my kids' lives/stability by having those affairs. I know that I was wrong. I know that I've hurt him. And I will try not to say BUT.....because that has made him angry too.

I just don't know any more....when is it just too far gone and HOW do you seperate your life, and throw your kids lives into turmoil. I've put up with a lot...and I know it wasn't the healthiest of choices for me. Now I can't figure out where to go or what to do.

Sorry for the ramble...he's out again tonight and we had a major blow up because of it.

I guess I'm just wallowing in my own misery. :(

Thanks for listening and whatever advice you care to give is appreciated.

Wayflost posted 7/18/2014 22:35 PM

Welcome to SI. There is a thread you might find helpful, it's for mad hatters. Please take care of yourself. Remember you cannot control anyone but yourself. Please take care.

sadmadsad posted 7/18/2014 22:43 PM

What are madhatters? Anger Control issues?

Thank you.

Never mind...found it.

Both sides.

Not sure I think we are. I don't consider what he did an act of "cheating". I'm way more upset about the fact that he decided on a Sunday night at 9 to stop in a bar and get so drunk that he got in the situation.

[This message edited by sadmadsad at 10:47 PM, July 18th (Friday)]

LosferWords posted 7/18/2014 23:07 PM

Hi sadmadsad,

Just wanted to welcome you and throw some support in your direction. I am a madhatter, and as a rule speak from my wayward side when posting/responding in this forum.

As a wayward, one of the biggest aspects of healing is creating boundaries for yourself and enforcing those boundaries. Unfortunately you may have to enforce those boundaries with your BH as well. It is okay for you to not have to put up with certain behaviors from him, regarding his drinking, etc.

What exactly happened with him and the 20yo in the back seat?

MC is a good thing, but are you also looking into IC? You have to heal from this and move forward, no matter what outcome your marriage has.

Keep posting and talking to us. We're here for you.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 7/19/2014 09:56 AM

I too am a WW of an alcoholic. It certainly does complicate things. I was fortunate enough that after DDay my BH made the commitment to stop drinking. It has helped our R tremendously and I can't even begin to express my gratitude towards him for having the strength to go through so much while quitting drinking.

I highly recommend joining Al-Anon. I went to IC but joining Al-Anon was one of the best decisions I had made in the healing process. I wish I had thought to go years before my A. If I had, I feel I wouldn't be here today.

Were you able to set firm boundaries in MC in regards to his drinking? I think that discussing important issues while he has been drinking will be a futile effort. But I don't think that his drinking should deflect from your affairs. You still need to work on yourself and figure out what led you to seek comfort outside of your M rather than working on the M or D. It is much more than his drinking, I can attest to that!

Your issues and his issues are separate. If you feel that his drinking and behaviors are what caused your unhappiness and therefor caused you to cheat on him, that is blame shifting. Being unhappy with his drinking is perfectly reasonable. No one will ever argue that. But it's how you handle it, that's on you. And only you.

Have you ever talked to him about his drinking? How it really makes you feel? How worried you are about him? Did you try before for A's? I wouldn't attempt to do so while he is drinking or while he is expressing his feelings about your A's, but during a time that he can listen to you. And you must be very clear on the fact that you are not blaming his behavior for what you have done. If you yourself aren't clear on that yet, I recommend holding off that discussion.

Get yourself some support. Get in Al-Anon. It can be a lifesaver!

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