It's been three and a half months since d-day.
I told my BH that I had engaged in three short term affairs over the span of 15 months. They ended about two months before I told him. I told him because he found out that I had an email account that he didn't know about...and started questioning me. I had already had it in my mind that I was going to tell him about the affairs, but when it actually came down it was because he pushed it.
Immediately I set us up for MC...which we have been doing. And for the first couple of months it was going ok. A long-standing issue in our marriage has been his drinking...and of course this stress did cause some very unpleasant drinking situations where he was beligerent and pushed me. In counseling we then tried to establish boundaries about what was ok and what wasn't ok when we argued.
He has been very upset with me for not "telling him I'm sorry" verbally more often. That pain he says then caused him to disconnect...and again in a very bad evening of drunken behavior, he ended up at a bar, with a 20 year old in his back seat. Only to have me, his two 20 something sons discover him there when he didn't come home and we tracked his Iphone. I honestly was worried...and he has always been so self-righteous about never "cheating" that I truly didn't even consider that possibility. It was a Sunday night...after a good weekend...and if I had even thought it was possible I would never have let my sons come with me to find him.
Since that day...he has totally gone off the deep end. The "perfect" father he has always been...has been destroyed in his mind. Even though, I fell on the sword and explained to our boys what I had done. So they WOULDN'T blame him. In fact, they are very forgiving to him...just want things back to normal of course. They are still "kids".
Since that time...he is really no longer "trying". He has repeatedly gone out with his co-workers, even though I ask him not to and he knows it's upsetting me. He doesn't answer texts or phone calls...and when confronted with this behavior, he says it's "not about you" (meaning me)...he just feels disconnected.
SO...our relationship had issues before. Too many to explain, but mental health issues that are compounded by alcohol abuse..on his part. I know that I failed by not setting boundaries, by letting myself become so unhappy that I was willing to risk my kids' lives/stability by having those affairs. I know that I was wrong. I know that I've hurt him. And I will try not to say BUT.....because that has made him angry too.
I just don't know any more....when is it just too far gone and HOW do you seperate your life, and throw your kids lives into turmoil. I've put up with a lot...and I know it wasn't the healthiest of choices for me. Now I can't figure out where to go or what to do.
Sorry for the ramble...he's out again tonight and we had a major blow up because of it.
I guess I'm just wallowing in my own misery. :(
Thanks for listening and whatever advice you care to give is appreciated.