Hoo boy. Major vent, just getting it out. Feel free to ignore, I ramble!
There was the wedding where I rode solo (a catererer complimented my eyes and a father tried to set me up with his son and then, bathroom stall crying), and then yesterday my ex contacted me over something where I had stupidly, but also I think intentionally, left the door open, so I responded to that because I am not clear within myself about needing to have ZERO CONTACT ALREADY, and then I cried at my desk a bunch while listening to music at the end of the day, and late that night he texted me the song Fascination by Everything But the Girl and said he stilled loved me and missed me so much it ached ( ), and THEN, tonight, who do I run into at a bar but His Grand Narcissist Himself.
Ugh ugh ugh.
I was with friends, totally loving and awesome friends who have my back, but he passed by at least four times, even though he saw me the first time--we made startled eye contact. Every time my skin stood up and my heart raced. I kept my conversation going through it all which is a small miracle, but it was just intense and hard.
The venue is itself a sensitive place for me--it is near the apartment I lived in when we met and he kept picking women up there after we were 'monogamous'. It's always been such an extra slap in the face to know that he was disrespecting me two blocks from where I lived and where my friends went.
My friends and I finally left and of course he and the group of people he was with were standing outside the door at that point. It was almost comical I guess. I tried to hang in with my friends for the duration but after an hour at one of their apartment's I could tell my good mood wasn't coming back, so I walked home singing aloud to some of the songs I listened to during the breakup.
But I feel...okay, I guess. Yes, he is still alive. Therefore he does things. Bug I knew. And I'm taking minor comfort in his being out with a group of people instead of being obviously on the prowl. He says he's trying to become a better person--I want to believe him and I'm an idiot for wanting to believe him-- but, honestly, his being social on his own would be an improvement and something healthier. And I don't own that bar. So...after the nerves and adrenaline have faded, I guess I can accept that he has a right to be alive and to go to places where I also go. I don't like it, and I don't want it to happen again, but it's...ok, if unfortunate.
I guess he really is almost a stranger now, huh? I know that's better for me. It's weird now but as time goes by it will get less weird.
And on the bright side, I love my friends and the 26 year old texted to say goodbye before he goes on vacation for two weeks. It will be nice to see him again when he gets back.
I do worry about not being ready to date if I'm this affected by seeing the ex--but I waited until I had come pretty far in healing, and until I felt able to do it. What I need to do is get more serious about keeping my walls up with the ex and keeping my dwindling but not fully gone hopes / lingering emotional connection non-existent. Why are emotions so insensitive to logic? And so stubborn?