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lovemywife4ever posted 7/19/2014 08:46 AM

I am shaking. She doesn't want to R now. She simply wants the D to go through and life to move on. She said she is tired of living a nightmare and wants to be happy. I get that but feel like my stupidity has cost me everything that I love. How can this be? I am trying to keep it together and not find a deep lake to throw myself into but don't know how to get up. She is going to a concert tonight with friends. I told her we shouldn't go and she said she's going no matter what. DD is going with her now (she's 18). I am trying to work on me and do everything to help us and don't want to quit doing that. I want to woo her back. Does this ever work?

RightTrack posted 7/19/2014 08:51 AM

First, don't throw yourself in a lake. Time is going to help a lot and you have to believe that. I'd recommend giving her space, being remorseful and working on yourself; counseling, books, diet and exercise. Spend time with DD and find an acceptable way to communicate all you are doing to BS. My WS was able to work his way back, he dramatically changed his ways and would actually clean the kitchen and do laundry! Of course, after a time you might have to accept that she's just done, but let her know you're going to try and how important it is to you.

tired girl posted 7/19/2014 08:54 AM

When was your DD? This isn't so much about wooing her back, it is about showing her with actions that you are working to be a different person. It is about becoming a person that is safe. So what are you doing to become that person?

BrokenButTrying posted 7/19/2014 08:54 AM

I'm sorry it's come to this, it is heartbreaking and very difficult. Take care of yourself, allow yourself to grieve the loss of the M, process the feelings.

Respect her decision. Fight the urge to cling on, don't try to woo her back because it will most likely come across as hoovering.
Grant her need for space, work on yourself. Keep discussion to practical matters about dissolving the M and living arrangements.

If you continue to work on yourself and change, R may still be a possibility but right now you need to let go of the outcome.

So sorry you're here dude. Be strong, you can do this.

badchoice posted 7/19/2014 09:59 AM

I am sorry you find yourself at this point.

Keep working on yourself, don't let the despair take over your life. Allow yourself to feel the pain and process it. Your stupidity might just have oct everything, but it still hurts, and you still have to grieve this.

Remember, she most likely feels the same way. She might be going to the concert, but I bet she is in as much pain (most likely more) as you are in. It just might have been a deal breaker for her.

TG asks some good questions. What are you doing to work on yourself, are you in IC? Are you reading?

Good luck.

lovemywife4ever posted 7/19/2014 10:23 AM

Thanks. I am not in IC at the moment. I have gone a couple of times but money is tight and insurance sucks. I have read some but am not a big reader. I am one of those that does not like to read. BS loves reading and says she hates that I don't. She has begged me to read about this but I can't seem to do it. I get depressed once I start and just don't stay on it for long. She sees that as not caring but I really just deal in different ways. I try to help more at home. I try to listen better. I really have changed how I cope and realize she is what I want and need. I love my family. I work hard and try to provide for us but it doesn't seem to matter. I really do think she will have fun at the concert. She seems in a better place since she told me she can't do this. It was ripping her apart. I don't want her in pain so I am trying to accept it and work towards showing her we can rebuild together. She's more concerned with how fast my shit can get out of this house. Just sad here.

pizzalover posted 7/19/2014 10:58 AM

Please don't throw yourself in a lake. I tried to kill myself the day after D-day. Next to the A that was the worst thing I could have done. My BH (and everyone I care about) would have lost his (their) mind. I know now that my life is worth living, no matter the consequences. You can get through this. It's fucking hard, but I work every day to try to repair the damage I've done.

StrongerOne posted 7/19/2014 11:16 AM

BS here.

So what I hear, and I'm guessing what your wife hears, is that her rather simple request to read, is just too hard? And you're willing to give up your marriage because it's just too hard to read? That reading these books makes you feel so bad, that you'd rather your wife think you don't really care what she wants, than to read?

I'm sure you don't mean it that way. But that's what it sounds like.

You want to show your wife you're different now in a way that makes YOU comfortable.

Respectfully, you should be more concerned about making your wife comfortable. Read the books, man. Take notes. Talk to your wife about what you learn from the books, ask her questions.

Please show her that you really are willing to "do everything it takes."

GabyBaby posted 7/19/2014 11:27 AM

I agree with Stronger.

Your post just outlined that you're not doing what you needed to do in order to earn back your BW's trust. Why SHOULD she stay when you're showing her that you're still putting yourself first?

Gently, you have to decide if being uncomfortable is worth having lost your family.

Please respect your BW's wishes. That's one place to start. Just listen and do what SHE wants/needs, instead of making life-changing decisions for her...again.

Best of luck, LMW.

BrokenButTrying posted 7/19/2014 13:01 PM

Massive 2x4....

I have read some but am not a big reader.

Dude, suck it up! Become a reader.

I am one of those that does not like to read.

Really? You don't like to read, even if your marriage depends on it?

She has begged me to read about this but I can't seem to do it.

No. You are choosing not to.

I get depressed once I start and just don't stay on it for long.

Again, no. When you read you become uncomfortable because you are reading harsh truths about yourself and your behaviour. You feel ashamed and make how you feel a priority over your BW's feelings.

She sees that as not caring

She's right. You don't care enough about her pain to make it a priority above your own shame and embarrassment.

I really just deal in different ways.

Your way of dealing with it is not supporting your BW and it's costing you your marriage. How do you feel about that?

I try to help more at home. I try to listen better. I really have changed how I cope and realize she is what I want and need. I love my family. I work hard and try to provide for us but it doesn't seem to matter.

So... you're rugsweeping?

Has she asked you to do any of that? Because if not, and you're doing it instead of doing what she's actually asked you to do... well I agree with Stronger and Gaby... what reason are you giving her to stay? How are you demonstrating that she can trust you? That you are hearing her? That you get it?

It isn't easy. Changing your behaviour is difficult, facing who you really are and what you have done is uncomfortable. You're unwillingness to do this is why your BW has given up on R.

Come on dude, pull your finger out. You can do this, I know you can!

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 2:04 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 7/19/2014 14:34 PM

She has begged me to read . . . I really just deal in different ways. I try to help more at home.

So she has asked you to read, and instead you try to help more at home because you really just deal in different ways.
My WH was much like this -- he insisted on trying to do R *his* way. The problem was that he got into his predicament because he did things *his* way -- so I considered his judgment suspect.
He also took on some of the household chores that he didn't do before -- he put himself in charge of dish duty, for instance. That was all fine and great, but really....he *should* have been contributing all along so he wasn't going to receive any extra kudos from me for it. Especially when he wasn't doing anything (such as reading or making good use of his IC time) that would lead to him TRULY changing the destructive thought processes and beliefs that he had.
My WH is now my stbx and I want absolutely NOTHING to do with him.

You say you want to woo her back and ask if that works.....
Well, she may just be done.
If she isn't completely *done* in her mind, but more fed up and seriously frustrated with you -- then your best bet to *woo* her is to really work on yourself. Make changes because YOU feel that you need to change, not because you expect some type of pay-off for it.
If your idea of attempting to woo her is trying to date her, sending her flowers or flowery communications or whatnot, then it may not work. My stbx tried those things and it just pushed me further away and pissed me off.

DrJekyll posted 7/19/2014 21:24 PM

NO IC? I get it money is tight, everyones money is tight. So you either have to cut expenses or make more money. Have you looked into a second job? Or ditching cable?

NO READING? She wants you to read. she is telling you what she wants to see. And you "can't seem to do it"

Your response comes across as I really, really, really want to R, but I want to do it my way. Clearly your way has not been working, since you chose to be wayward.

As illustration: you and your BS are building a bookshelf. And she is asking you for the screws to hold the shelf in place. And you are handing her tape. It make be duct tape it may work for you. But what she wants are the screws to hold the shelf together.

Helping your BS is doing what they ask of you. I was not a reader either. I had only listened to audiobooks (which might be an option for you) and had not picked up a paper book in years. Post DDay, I have read with my BS 14 books. just ordered 5 more and have 14 on the wish list with amazon. Because we want information. It is important.

You are telling your BS that this is important, but not important enough. You need to break out of your shell. Do something that says to her "You, Me, and Us ARE important" I am will to do things I am not comfortable with. I am willing to learn a new way. I am willing to change whatever I need to, to be a safe partner.

Trying297 posted 7/20/2014 01:03 AM

I don't see a stop sign, so I will add my 2 cents.

First, I want to echo what others have said about the importance of doing what she needs and wants from you instead of insisting on doing this your way. When she asks you to read these things and you choose not to do so, you send the message (intentionally or not) that honoring her request isn't important to you. Worse, you send the message that her assessment of her own needs isn't valid: yeah, she thinks it will help if you read these books, but you know better than she does, so you're not going to read.

Second: in the past, has she asked you to help more around the house and to listen more because you hadn't been doing enough of those things? If so, listen to the wise words of Gonnabe2016, and understand that stepping up your game in those areas is the bare minimum and not the grand solution. If you had been chronically late to work, and then started making an effort to show up on time every day, you wouldn't expect a raise, would you? No, because meeting your basic job expectations doesn't warrant a reward - it just means that you now have a better shot at keeping your job. It's great that you've been helping out and listening more, but if you're not honoring your wife's requests in other areas, that's not going to be enough for her to feel safe in the relationship again.

I've been having a similar struggle with my WH, so maybe another BS perspective will be helpful for you. My WH says that he's willing to do whatever it takes to R, but when it comes to his actions, he's willing to do the things that he chooses to do. When I ask him for something that I need, he gets defensive, and insists that it won't actually help, or that I'm being unreasonable or illogical. It's doubly painful for me, because 1. my needs aren't being met and 2. I have to defend my needs, at a time when my WH should be the one working to meet them instead of questioning them.

Best of luck to you! Hopefully this will serve as a wakeup call that will help get you on the right track towards listening to what she needs. If she's not open to R at this point, it will still be a useful skill in your future relationships.

[This message edited by Trying297 at 1:04 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]

Matilda23 posted 7/20/2014 21:31 PM

I know you have gotten quite a bit of 2x4's, and I don't want to come across like a bad person, however if you loved your wife like your username states, if you want her bad enough you will find a way, if you don't you will find excuses.

All through out your post there are excuses after excuses. DrJekyll gives great examples of putting effort. I don't make much money but I was able to pay for BBF and I to go to IC once a week. I cut back on eating out, cooking only at home, bringing lunch to work and doing the same for him. I stopped buying unnecessary things and started saving what little I did have after IC, groceries, and bills.

Reading, I read right before bed as it's the only time I get. When I have extra time I like to read SI. That helps since everyone here is going through or have been through what you and I are both going through.

Again, if you want it bad enough you will find a way, if you don't you will continue to find excuses.

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