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Beautybear posted 7/19/2014 11:05 AM

So about 1 month ago I found out my husband cheated on me. He was away at a training for two months. During the last three weeks there he ended up having a physical relationship with a classmate. He was home about a month before I found out. Two weeks after he returned I had a feeling something went on so I questioned him and he told me he didn't cheat on me. I believed him and went on with my life. Well that only lasted for another two weeks and so I started doing some digging and I found texts between him and the other women. My world crumbled. I confronted him with the texts and at first he tried saying nothing sexual happen. However as I kept reading the texts I knew it was a lie. From the texts it was clear that he did have sex with her at least once. There were also other texts about him being with her but not to the point where they had sex. She would tell him that he caused her to be sexually frustrated. She told him that she was impressed because he made her feel good without sex and that resisting was making it nice. After I showed him all of this he admitted to having sex with her once and that the other times they just fooled around nothing sexual. Obviously I don't believe and I have asked him numerous times to tell me the truth but he is sticking to his story. He told me that he had no feelings for her it was purely sex. I don't believe that because it went on for almost a month. He also has begged me to forgive him and told me he feels guilty and regrets everything. I have asked him why and he told me he was just being selfish and that he had no reason for doing it. We have been married for almost 16 years and have 2 kids. Feels like I am going crazy and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him because of my girls but I don't know if I can ever forgive him. He tells me everyday how much he loves me and how he doesn't want to lose me but I just can't understand why he took the risk. I have not told anyone about this and really don't have anyone to talk to. We have been going to counseling but it does not seem to work. I feel so angry all the time at him. I can't believe he could do something like this to me and especially the kids. I am trying to move on but I cannot stop obsessing over the texts and what they did. I maybe hurting myself but I can't stop. I also found out he was texting two other women everyday while he was there. They were also classmates. All of them hung out with a group of people almost everyday. They would go out to eat and party together. I told him that I believed married men shouldn't be texting other women everyday the way he was. At first he said that he didn't see the issue that they were just friends but then I told him that's how it started with the women he cheated on me with. The entire time he was at training it was a big lie. He didn't tell me about these other women he only told me he was with men. They went out to dinner, movies, and at times were alone in his room. I don't know what to think. He swears nothing happened with the other two women only the one. But I don't know what to believe anymore. He also told me that he only had sex with her once because after he felt guilty and didn't want to do it again but he continued to be with her. He said he only fooled around with her and that he tried to make sure he was never alone with her again so nothing sexual would happen. I don't know what to do. I feel alone. I'm always depressed. Need advice.

somer222 posted 7/19/2014 13:32 PM

You could tell him that since he has cheated on you and lied to you about it, that you need to have him take a lie detector test so you have the full truth about what went on and whether he had sex with anyone else. That is one way to get the truth.

I would also go in and have a full STD panel run, and tell him that he needs to do the same and you want to see his results. Infidelity is bad stuff and you need to protect yourself, honey. I'm sorry to bring this up, but I had to do the same thing and many here have also. For me, it really marked the start of my healing.

I would want to know exactly what I was dealing with (your WS) if I were you. He has lied and he has not admitted to anything other than what you figured out on your own. He really cannot expect you to trust him that he is now telling you the truth. Besides, he doesn't get to call the shots right now. You do.

His job is to be completely honest and transparent and do whatever he can to help you heal. If you have a request for more information, or if you need for him to do something for you (i.e. take a lie detector test), he should do it asap. He should be very thankful that he is not married to someone like me! I kicked my cheating ex out on D day and immediately set out to end my marriage. My ex begged and pleaded, but he did know (I told him many times) that infidelity was my deal-breaker. Your husband should be very grateful that you are considering giving him the gift of reconciliation. And it is a gift. He needs to earn it.

I'm so sorry for you. There isn't any magic formula that is going to make you feel better. That takes time and healing. You've suffered a big trauma. Read the Healing Library and keep posting. You will get a lot of good advice and it does help.

Big hugs-

Gotmegood posted 7/19/2014 13:57 PM

First of all Beauty, you might want to order the book called 'How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair', by McDonald. This book I felt was quite helpful for me in two ways. First, I made my WH read it. It explained what happens with the exposure of infidelity in your marriage much more coherently than I could in the beginning. Then I read it, it helped me as well. It validated my feelings. The depth of hurt I felt. It reassured me that my reaction was not different from the normal. It made me less worried that I was crazy to still be obsessing over his choices...the sex act....the lies....the deceit...the backstabbing of my heart and soul....the particular AP.....and on and on and on.
Also, don't feel 'badly' because you can't forgive him yet. What he did was HUGE, and as such, takes a very long time to recover from. You will keep going over it and over it. Your final decision as to whether or not you can heal from this and can be safe and comfortable in your 'new' relationship, is a long way away. Especially if you are not convinced that you have the truth yet. There is no moving on without the truth in my opinion. I would focus on that in MC. Inform your WH that you are unable to move on until he is 100% transparent about what he has done. Hopefully, if you have a decent MC, they will have your back on that concept. There is no way to truly reconcile as a partnership when one holds on to secrets and lies. Get that book is step one. Good luck.

allusions posted 7/19/2014 14:56 PM

Does he say what he means by "fooled around"? That term is not very specific but it does connote some kind of sexual activity, anything from kissing to groping to oral sex. Any of those is crossing the line and betraying you and should not be downplayed.

BrokenDoe posted 7/19/2014 17:09 PM

I am so sorry for you BeautyBear. I don't have any good advice for you. This situation sucks, I hate that this happened to you and that someone hurt you. Listen to the people on hear they are helping me a lot while I deal too. Best luck.

gabear posted 7/20/2014 14:21 PM

Sometimes recovery is waking up early to write in coffee shops and practicing yoga and eating lots of fruit and chocolate and sometimes itís staying in bed all day and hiding from the world until you can stop crying. All of this is okay. Whatís important is that you take care of yourself no matter what kind of day youíre having.

Hope this helps - I read it often to remind me

mandolin555 posted 7/20/2014 15:43 PM

So let me get this straight...he thinks having sex with her only once (which BTW is a huge lie) is better than multiple times? Think about that. I think that the more you dig and insist to's somehow making him feel like the "one time" is a freebie.

ChangeMaker posted 7/20/2014 15:55 PM

I think you need take some time for yourself. You should read up about "the 180" (link below). This will allow you to "detach" from him so you can focus on getting yourself well. I'm pretty new to this and my marriage went down the tubes very quickly after DDay, but the 180 helped me get centred.

Read the material in the Healing Library (yellow box at the top left of this page).

Breathe. Eat. Drink lots of water. Post here as often as you can, the people here are great and we all know what you're feeling.

Beautybear posted 7/21/2014 00:20 AM

I want to thank each of you for you advice. This is definetly the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

somer222 - I have taken STD tests and thank God everything came back negative. I can not believe he would even risk that but I guess I don't really know him. Not sure how to give him a lie detector test but if I could I would In a heartbeat. Not sure how he would respond to that. I guess if he really wanted to reconcile he would do it.

Gotmegood - I have looked at the book you recommended and I will be ordering it tomorrow. I have been reading the book "Getting Past the Affair" by Dougla K Snyder it's been helpful. It has exercises to complete for both the WS and the BS. I asked my husband to read the book and complete the exercises with me. It's been about 3 weeks and he still on chapter 1. I don't want to nag him to do it and I want him to do because he wants to but I get upset and angry that he doesn't.

Allusions - He did tell me that fooling around was just kissing and some ass groping. That too is hard to deal with and I am trying to make him see that that's was just as bad as having sex with her. I think he understands where I am coming from but I don't know what to believe anymore.

Brokendoe - thank you and I am sorry for you too. Hopefully we can both come out of this stronger people.

Gabear - thank you I have typed that up and have read it every time I need to. It's help me get through the day.

Mandolin555 - that's exactly what I thought too. He made me feel that one time was ok then if he had done it multiple times. I told him that it didn't matter if he did it once or fifty times it would hurt the same and I would feel betrayed either way.

ChangeMaker - Thank you I read "the 180" and I am going to give it a try. At this point I'm not sure if my husband would notice the changes. I still will try it to help me though.

Beautybear posted 7/24/2014 10:43 AM

So it's been really hard getting through the days. I have two kids that I look at every morning and they are what is getting me through. The thing that I can't seem to understand and need advice on is that my husband is saying and doing everything right. He apologizes everyday. I can see it in his face how bad he feels for hurting me. He has answered every question I have asked no matter how many times I ask him. He does things to reassure me he lives me and the kids. He's never really been a romantic person but he's making a real effort now. He leaves me love notes, sends me flowers, and other things. He even is reading a book with me and completing the exercises to help me move past the affair. Almost everyday he hugs and kisses me and tells me he loves me and only me. Even though he is doing all of this I am still angry with him and no matter how mean I am he just takes it. I don't know what to do. Is this normal?

veronique12 posted 7/24/2014 12:04 PM

Of course it is completely normal, BB. Your world has been turned upside down. You are slowly coming out of the shock of the revelation and are now trying to assimilate all these lurid details into your sense of who your H is and what your M is. It's overwhelming and takes time (ugh, you don't want to hear about time, I know). Gosh, 1 month out I was smashing dishes and crying from morning til night. It took over my whole life, as I'm sure it has yours. What helped me allow myself the space to grieve and rage was to think about the whole experience as I would an illness. If I were ill, I wouldn't second guess and question allowing myself the time and space to get better. And the same goes with an emotional trauma--allow yourself the room, feel the feelings.

The good news is it sounds like your H is remorseful. But there is a lot of work for both of you in the months and years ahead. It's good that he's just taking what you're throwing at him. He should see what his actions have done to you and in time hopefully he will see how he not only betrayed you and your kids, but also himself. Right now just get it out (though try not to be abusive)--the pain, the outrage, the sadness, the disappointment, and the grief over your lost ideal.

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