There are times when I know he is sorry, and I know that our marriage is worth it.
People make stupid mistakes that yep affect us for a long time, I want out of this nightmare. And I know the only person that can heal me is me. Regardless of wether or not he cheats on me again. Im going to heal myself, sometimes I have to tell myself you are giving him another shot, and if he ruins it then thats that. I have nothing left to give him then.
If his decision is to ruin our marriage, and his life in the process, if he ends up that he doesn't want to be with me, so be it. I will be out, there will be no conversation, no apology is going to make it better. I will never EVER go through this again. I make sure he understands.
This journey is something that I must have needed or it wouldn't have happened. I have been through hell as a kid growing up, and I survived. I am not a victim for anyone. I love him, but I love myself more. I forget sometimes that I am stronger that I know. I will get through this, I will love him, he is doing as much as he can for me, and I will eventually forgive, I will look back god willing and remember the happier times and used this as a tool to be happier, because it brought us both up short and we are working together to be happier and we will be.
I try to imagine what if it was me to was unfaithful? I picture it and I find myself thinking that had i thought i needed something outside my marriage and i made the mistake of thinking I was gonna find it somewhere else, then how would it feel to be wrong and never forgive myself.
I told my WH that I wanted a divorce the day I found out and it broke him. I don't know what he was looking for, we were not in a good place we totally grew apart. I just left him to do whatever he wanted I didn't even care at that point and time. I was just as unhappy, I was overweight and lost in our marriage. I didn't know how to fix it I wasn't even trying to fix it.
But now I know, this happened to us. Through this we both know that we want to be together. And I pray and i hope to always remember some of the beautiful things he has said to me during this hellish time. The look of him so defeated when I tell him I don't think I can do this. Some days I don't want to anymore.
But I love him, and I will be strong enough to leave if ever there comes a time when I have to. BUt until then I want to be happy, I have earned the right to be happy in my life. I don't always remember, but I am going to get through this, I am not going to be a victim for anyone.
Not everyone has to understand this, but I have to be strong. He can't fix me from this, Im not saying I'm healed but I want to be. I have bad days and I have good day when Im ALL IN to get this out of our lives. I might even be lying to myself but Ill fake it until I make it because this is MY life and I do what I WANT. I am here with him, with my kids. I've let things go for a while, I haven't engaged with my kids for a long time over this, I've been losing myself in self pity, poor me. Not poor me POOR HIM he has to live with it forever I didn't betray anyone. I would have been here to work together to fix it but thats not how our story goes. I need to get out of this life of wallowing, I have a life to LIVE ! I only get ONE! lol. sounds brave but damn there are still gonna be bad day.