I had to read your prior posts to get an idea of your situation and remember posting on your thread.
Your husband was blaming YOU for his dirty little affair with a single mom out in California, claiming it was all your fault because you didn't pay enough attention to him. Aww, poor little man child.
You found emails discussing their plans for her to come to NJ in January so they could meet but he claims she never made it (what a load of swill).
I think the reason you're in limbo and can't start to reconcile with him is because he's still lying to you - and you know it. How the heck can anyone lay their heart on the line and put all that effort into reconciling with someone when they know they're still being deceived? What's the point of that?
Of COURSE he got to the OW and told her what to say to you when you called. You can't believe a thing out of her mouth - he told her what lies to tell you. And how Sir Galahad of him to tell her not to allow YOU to 'abuse' her. My, my, isn't he just the big protector? What a joke.
Since your husband is a big huge liar, I would highly suggest a polygraph test. Let's make something very clear. Cheaters ONLY admit to what you KNOW and have proof of. Since you don't have proof or emails talking about her visit to NJ, he'll never, ever admit to it. He's only admitting to what he absolutely HAS to - and trying to justify it all along the way. Yeah, I saw that he 'admitted' the affair was his fault and not yours in MC, but it just sounds like a whole lot of lip service to me. I think you're getting that feeling too, since you're still hesitant to begin reconciliation (you're a smart lady).
So, google "polygraph test + your city in NJ" and check out the results. There should be a viable polygraph source within 100 miles of you. Polys generally cost from $300-$800 and can bring about amazing confessions. No, they're not 100% accurate, but they sure can intimidate huge liars into what's called 'parking lot confessions.' Make no mistake, a lot of arrogant, lying cheaters really think they're superior and can ace a lie detector test - gotta love their over-inflated egos, don't you? A lot of them actually do think they're much smarter and oh so much more clever than a poly. Others go into a panic and start searching on the internet for 'how to beat a polygraph test.' The parking lot confession is usually given by a liar whose time has run out - you've pulled into the parking lot of the polygraph test facility and as you're getting out of the car, you get a sudden confession from the cheater because he/she knows the jig is up.
But that confession is usually STILL not the entire truth - it's just a small kibble of truth you weren't given before, in the hopes that you'll cancel the poly now that you think you have the truth. They know they're beat. But don't fall for it - insist that the polygraph test be given ANYWAY because there's always more truth to be had. In fact, you should make it a condition of reconciliation. He refuses to take it? Then he's still hiding something and therefore, I wouldn't bother to invest a single second of effort into him.
Schedule that poly, Clueless. You need to get the truth from him.