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Does it get easier?

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AndreaL posted 7/19/2014 21:08 PM

My heart still hurts...I still cry all the time. I just want to feel better. My husband is remorseful, I just don't know how I feel anymore. Can we survive this?

LA44 posted 7/19/2014 21:16 PM

You can AndreaL. It does take time. You are not even one year out. I hope your H keeps behaving with kindness and remorse - goes a long way towards your healing.

Keep doing good things for you. The tears will dry up. It's pretty tough. We get it.

sunvalley posted 7/20/2014 02:10 AM

It's disheartening to wake to this reality daily....I get that! There are days where I just want to wake and feel normal again, to feel like my old life and happiness are back, to have a day where I can 'forget' this happened for a break. To feel like I'm me again, and not some sad, angry, hurt woman. At 1yr out I'm starting to feel like we can get through it, but from 8-12m I went through a lot of questioning, anger and resentment - I think it's normal to question if this path will work for you. I personally chose not to make life long decisions based on my current emotions, because emotions can be overpowering and change so quickly. I feel like IF we are not going to make it, the decision will be clear in my head and not leave me questioning it years later. Staying is a choice, leaving is a choice, but another choice that doesn't get mentioned as much is trying (sounds similar to staying, but hopefully I can explain what I mean below)...trying didn't feel as overwhelming as either of the other two to me, continuing to heal together, and if it doesn't work out then you have the option to end things. I'm not one to feel that trying is a waste of time with a remorseful spouse, nor do I feel that it is fence sitting. I felt for a long time like I had to choose the M or choose to leave...conclusive solid decisions on either side that I wasn't willing or able to make. MC fed into this notion. But then I realized one day, that if I stay it doesn't have to be forever. If this ends up being too much for me, then I still have the option to get out at any time. It just felt less overwhelming this way, with this perspective, like I could handle the day to day better. "Staying" felt like jumping in with both feet, committing for life, and with what he's handed me I am still not sure that I can do that. "Leaving" meant throwing away the family I built with him, the life we had together and the love I still feel we share. "trying" means I am going through my grieving, working on rebuilding our trust and commitment to each other and if at any point it doesn't feel like the right path for me, I know I have other options still....hope that explanation makes sense! If H is behaving with remorse, then a big part of the battle is complete.

Take it day by day - you will have good and bad days, you will have days that feel overwhelmingly like you can't do this...I have had plenty! Don't be hard on yourself in your process, focus on your healing and the M will follow if it's meant to be (IMO). Try to do some things for you that give you enjoyment - coffee with gfs, walks, exercise, read, buy something special, etc. Those little things have helped me feel refreshed and distracted at times, and have offered a bit of relief from the constant emotional struggle. If you don't know how you feel right now, that's ok. I've had those feelings of just knowing my love for him, my respect for him, etc just aren't the same right now, but hopefully with time he'll regain these things in my eyes to some degree.

Crying is releasing some of your pain, it's helping you grieve. Allowing the emotions to be felt is what helps them subside according to my IC, so don't be hard on yourself for having so much pain're not alone. Take care

Hatemyhusband posted 7/20/2014 05:28 AM

It gets easier. But it never goes away. That being said, even if I divorced or he died, the same pain would he there. It's called ultimate betrayal.
We will always carry this pain bc we experienced and were greatly affected by it. It's what we do with the pain. How we act.


devasted30 posted 7/20/2014 07:19 AM

Yes, you can survive this. Thousands of people do. It takes time and hard work. I know how frustrating it feels but I do believe, in time, it won't hurt as much. I am 21 months out and the pain is not as severe, not as debilitating. Isn't there 100% of the time. When it rears it's ugly head it doesn't last as long. You will get there. You will.

AndreaL posted 7/20/2014 09:13 AM

Thanks for the words of encouragement....I really needed it.

I almost pity my husband....he is so remorseful and feels like a total screw up. I never thought I would say this, but I almost feel like being a remorseful WS is worse than a BS. If that even makes sense.

Hatemyhusband posted 7/20/2014 09:18 AM

Of course or makes sense. I said that to my IC and MC. I actually feel sorry for my H. Being capable of soung what he did and living with the knowledge I caused pain to my children and a woman who adores me would not be something I want to live with

I feel I'm in a better place. I don't have to see the woman who I married and loved fall to her knees sobbing at times. Completely devastated.

It's got to really suck to live with that. I'm glad I'm not the Ws

AndreaL posted 7/20/2014 09:19 AM

Exactly!! being a remorseful WS is just pitiful, hell on earth, in my opinion. You DID this.

What2Do76 posted 7/20/2014 09:54 AM

Andrea, I know you will survive this, and so will your children. You are stronger than you know. Please don't pity your WH. He made a choice and knowingly and deliberately had an affair. He chose to gamble the future of his family on some woman who knew he was married. Don't worry about him, just take care of yourself and your children.

Hatemyhusband posted 7/20/2014 14:31 PM

Guess what, Andrea. Same DD here. The dreaded Dec 1st

Since then, I got thru the holidays. I maintained my composure in seeing her BS her kid. Her patents. I got thru many events that she was part of years before

I'm okay. It's not pity. It's disgust. It's "I'm glad I'm not him".
I get why and how it happened. I just am disgusted by the details and how low he sunk

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