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softballmom posted 7/19/2014 23:11 PM

So I have so much going on. This may be a little long, but to get the full story it needs to be. (Sorry!) Im a divorced single mom. My kids father has nothing to do with them and hasn't since our divorce 4 years ago.

That being said, I've been in a relationship for about a year. We live together. The kids love him and so do I. The problem? On new years I was helping him save some pictures to his phone. I never touched his phone before. Well upon saving them I went into his gallery and found pictures(nude) of other women. I confronted him and he said they were old. Although I knew better(because it was the first photo in his downloaded gallery) I let it go. But I got suspicious. So I started looking more and more when I had the chance. Come to find out, he was on numerous dating sites. Sending and receiving pics from other women. I confronted him again. He promised it would stop and that he loved me. Okay so again, stupid me, I believed him. Then in March, I found more. Dating websites, even him responding to Craigslist ads. And texting these women. I packed my things to leave. I was done. He swore it was over and that he would do everything to prove he wanted me and loved me. So I stayed. Things were okay. As long as I pretended I wasn't bothered with anything. He lost his job back in April. We relocated to be closer to family. But he still receives emails from these dating sites. He opens them. Reads them and then deletes them. After he deletes them, he empties his trash bin in his email. I've caught him doing this. He says he's doing nothing wrong by reading them and getting rid of them. But I feel its like he's hiding it. He just got a new job. And this job has him surrounded with women. I'm having a very hard time with this. He has told me I need to either trust him or leave. Part of me says I should leave. But I do love him. Ad long ad I don't say anything things are great. But when I do he turns on me and acts like I'm crazy because I don't trust him. I need advise on how to handle this. He's still very protective of his phone, and it may be nothing but today, my phone died and I wanted to look something up so I asked to see his. He wouldn't let me. He looked it up for me and gave me the answer. Am I just driving myself crazy? Am I honestly "off my rocker"? I don't want to be the crazy girlfriend but I'm having such an awful time with this. Thanks everyone for listening and hopefully giving me advise!

nekorb posted 7/19/2014 23:23 PM

Welcome softball mom. I'm sorry you're here and glad you've found us.

Your WBF is playing right out of the cheater's handbook.

He has told me I need to either trust him or leave. Part of me says I should leave. But I do love him. Ad long ad I don't say anything things are great. But when I do he turns on me and acts like I'm crazy because I don't trust him. I need advise on how to handle this. He's still very protective of his phone, and it may be nothing but today, my phone died and I wanted to look something up so I asked to see his. He wouldn't let me.

There are several things wrong with the above. In general though, when a partner has cheated, they should be bending over backwards to help you feel safe and to EARN your trust again.

They should be completely transparent with passwords, email accounts, phones...you should have access to everything. And they should be happy to do it...because they fucked up and now they need to fix it.

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

Typical wayward tactic to try and blame shift everything to you.

I would run from this guy. Absolutely run. If you have commingled finances, see an attorney first and find out what you need to do to protect yourself. Make a plan and get out.

You deserve better than this.

We've all been in that "but I LOVE him/her!" Stage...what you realize over time, is that you love who they used to be or who you thought they were. The actual person who is CHEATING ON YOU...not so much.

Also, please go up to the healing library in the upper left hand corner in the BSFAQ section, topic 11, and read up on the 180.
(((Hugs)))

amanda123 posted 7/20/2014 04:30 AM

Hi softballmom, you have come to the right place. Firstly I would like to say you are NOT the crazy girlfriend. He has not done anything to make you feel secure in the relationship. The reason he is turning on you is because you caught him out and he is angry that you have spoiled his little set up.
Let me say those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If he wasnt doing anything wrong then he would be only too happy to show you that he isnt It means he needs to be giving you passwords for his email accounts and not deleting anything. He needs to let you use his phone and scroll through his phone numbers, in other words he needs to be transparent. If he cant or wont do the things you ask then he doesnt value your relationship. Tell him you will not put up with any of that crap, if he wants to continue with it then he needs to leave. As far as the job is concerned that is a difficult one, you cant stop him from working with other people even if they are women, I am certain you will always be on guard until you can trust him. He needs to earn that trust back. He has disrespected you and your relationship, this behaviour is called cheating!! I dont know if all of the insecurities you are feeling wont end up being too much for you. You have only been together for a year, and that is not a good start on his part, as you said these things have been going on for a few months already. Do you really need the stress of it all? Please keep us posted.

NeverAgain2013 posted 7/20/2014 06:11 AM

So the lying cheater has given you two options - 'trust him' or 'leave him.'

I'd have been packed and out the door before he was able to finish his little ultimatum.

Look, you've only been with him for a year. It's not like you two have all kinds of legal, financial and family entanglements that would cause you to have to stay with him. Why would you WANT to stay with someone whose PROVEN to you that he can't be trusted and worse yet, has absolutely NO concern for your feelings at all?

Don't you want better for yourself? Don't you want better for your children than to have them around someone who clearly does NOT have their mother's best interests at heart and is a horrible role model because he has NO moral compass? Is that the male influence you want your kids to look up to and model themselves after?

And lastly, is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Miserable inside but putting on a fake, happy face to try to fool your kids that everything is just fine? You don't think that will eventually blow up in your face and cause a ton of heartache for your kids?

I think you really need to put your kids first, here. The deserve the best mother you can possibly be, and as long as you're being treated like crap by someone who clearly doesn't CARE about you, you'll never be able to provide that for them.

Put them first, Softballmom.

hopefulmom44 posted 7/20/2014 06:30 AM

Softballmom-if he doesn't share his phone, he is clearly hiding something he doesn't want you to see. Be careful in falling for his'blameshifting'. My WH was excellent at it.

Brokenheart777 posted 7/20/2014 10:11 AM

To the uninitiated, you BF's responses may seem normal and that is what's causing you to question, "am I crazy?" But everyone who's responded in this thread so far is spot on. This is classic blame shifting. Everything you've said has told us that your BF has taken little to no accountability for his actions. A lot of talk and pretty much nothing else. It's easy for a cheater to SAY they'll do the right thing, but when actions don't match up with words, or even worse, contradict their words, it's easy to see what's most important to them, and unfortunately it isn't you.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/20/2014 11:04 AM

People here speak from experience. Of he is prior ting his phone, yellow flag....probably red flag.

There is no need to be confused. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong and your instincts are RIGHT. He's already proven to you that he cannot be trusted. Multiple times. Believe him already. He then gives and ultimatum to trust him or leave? Isn't he really saying to either accept his untrustworthiness or leave?

Why torture yourself. He can't be trusted. That's clear. He's being an asshole about it. You know this has taken a turn in the wrong direction. He doesn't want to turn around.

Leave him, if not for yourself, which is plenty of reason....but for your children. You need to be emotionally safe and healthy for your children. Leave this guy. Don't sleep with him anymore. Get tested for STDs and hope he hasn't transmitted anything to you, because he's almost definitely slept with other people and you just don't know about it yet.

allusions posted 7/20/2014 11:06 AM

Here is another way of looking at it. Let's say he is an employee of yours and you are suspicious that he is stealing money and doctoring the books. A few things have occurred which he covered for—he blamed them on math errors on his part. Things don't feel right to you and you are considering firing him. You think to yourself: “But aside from this, he is a wonderful employee! He gives great customer service and he gets along great with his co-workers!” So you give him another chance. One day you feel the need to make sure he's being honest so you ask to see the books, but he won't give them to you. He says, “Look Boss, you are crazy for not trusting me! You either have to trust me or you're going to have to fire me!” I think you would fire him on the spot.

softballmom posted 7/20/2014 18:11 PM

I guess I'm stuck with why. Why did he do that? Our relationship seemed perfect to me. And now I have all these doubt's. He wants to drop it and move on, and part of me wants that too. But it also seems that part of me can't. And I have no family of my own. They are either passed or I literally do not speak to them. It doesn't seem fair that he can continue to live his life and I'm left feeling stuck. The only friend I have to confide in just tells me I have to make my own decisions. I feel very alone in all of this. I love him, and want to be with him, and I keep justifying this with every relationship had issues, what kind of person would I be if I turned and ran every time things got hard? But I just don't know if I can get passed it.

Girlietoo posted 7/20/2014 18:21 PM

16 yrs ago my story started this way. Obviously, I stayed and last year he had an affair. You are NOT crazy.

wk55hn posted 7/20/2014 18:27 PM

He's still very protective of his phone.

Protecting the phone = hiding things. If you ask me, what what are the signs that someone might possibly be cheating, "guarding the phone" would be number one on my list.

what kind of person would I be if I turned and ran every time things got hard?

Not a very good one. But there is a difference in "things" getting hard and him actively cheating on you.

Here are examples of "things" getting hard: Your kid getting really sick, a family member dying, your house burning down, or being flooded, or hit by a hurricane, or losing a job, or you getting ill, or him getting ill.

Here are examples of him being a cheater: Protecting his phone, saying you have to trust him even though he has done nothing to earn your trust, repeatedly "swearing" to you that he has stopped only to have you find out he's still doing it.

If you do decide to leave this guy, you won't be "running away" because "things got hard." Please don't look at it that way. You are a good person and deserve better than this. And so do your kids.

nomistakeaboutit posted 7/20/2014 18:34 PM

You need to find out what he has and hasn't been doing. Sexting is one thing. Are you sure he's never met any of these women and slept with them? Craig's List. Don't people connect for sex through Craig's List? Dating sites? Seriously. What's up with that?

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