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Experience with in-laws?

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ThatGuyNoMore posted 7/19/2014 23:43 PM

My BW hasn't yet told her parents of my infidelity. I believe that will come soon. What experience do you have of handling this relationship after revelation?

mrhurt314 posted 7/19/2014 23:54 PM

I took it upon myself to tell too many people, including my family and in-laws. It makes for awkward times. It is certainly not a decision I would make again. My family stuck their collective nose too much into our marriage, and the in-laws have enough sense, boundaries, and strong faith to stay out of it.

Alyssamd24 posted 7/20/2014 18:33 PM

My BH told his family immediately after first it was very uncomfortable and awkward with them and my only contact was when I brought DD to their house. It remained that way while we were S but when I came back home I sat down with his parents and sisters separately and apologized for my actions and acknowledged how much I hurt all of them but especially my BH.

Now almost a year after being back home and the final Dday things are returning to normal....his parents may never trust me again but we talk more than we did. It has definitely improved.

PenitentMan posted 7/20/2014 19:02 PM

My MIL got divorced recently, so, 3 months ago when BW told her, her response was "Men are pigs".
The first time MIL saw me, it was to ask me questions about her computer since I'm a computer guy. Meh. I think her family is taking their cues from her. If she's happy, they're happy. If she's staying and working things out with me, then that's all they need to know. Still, *I* feel weird because I know what I did, and they know what I did, and I know that they know what I did, and they know that I know that they know what I did. :)
But, whatever. Head held high. I have nothing to hide anymore (and it's a great feeling). If BW wanted me to hang a banner from our house that said "I was unfaithful" with my face on it, then I would do it. Well, ok, I would question it, but if it were, like, a choice between hanging the banner, and getting divorced, I'd hang it.
I'd take out an ad in the newspaper. Or get radio time. Or whatever she wanted me to do. I snuck around in the shadows and now I walk in the light.

Because I'm that guy no more. Just like you.

NewBelle posted 7/20/2014 23:44 PM

My inlaws have been really kind. BH told everyone in his family within days of DD and so I had no option but to confront my humiliation. I made the initiative to talk with his mother father and siblings as well as my own and apologize for my actions. I think that made it easier. They were forgiving and haven't made it awkward.
As embarrassing as it is, if you make an effort to address the people who's lives it may effect and who love and care for your BS, it will go a long way.

tangledknot posted 7/21/2014 08:34 AM

This is very timely for me. BH has told his sister, mother, and dad, and step mother. I apologized to his mother and we hugged, although it's going to take years to repair that relationship. I haven't had the chance to apologize to the rest of his family. I am very awkward around them. I feel very self-conscious, very embarrassed. I don't know how to be. I really just want to crawl under a rock and stay there.

Darkness Falls posted 7/21/2014 10:54 AM

This is a great question. I have to say I haven't handled it...I haven't seen his family in almost 5 years---before the affair---and I've only had written communication twice with my MIL in the past year. Neither of us mentioned it in either of those communications.

After D-day I wrote them letters of apology but never got a response. I feel like since XILs are about to become current ILs again I should reach out. My mother says I should leave it alone though and that it would be awkward to bring it up again after 4 yyears. In a way I see her point but I've never been a rugsweeper and I don't want to start now.

somethingremorse posted 7/22/2014 08:26 AM

My inlaws are taking their cue from BW. They want things to go back to normal. They want to make sure our kids are OK. If BW is OK, then they are willing to accept me. Of course, the inlaws are a very "don't talk about it" kind of family.

Like nearly everything else, sometimes things seem good. They treat me the way they used to. And I am free of guilt and dishonesty, so I am better able to enjoy it. Then, sometimes the awkwardness and embarrassment and disappointment pops up out of nowhere. Again, this happens with lots of things now.

On the whole, they have welcomed me, with those periods of being really uncomfortable. Those will get better as long as I never, ever screw up again.

TheWorstCase posted 7/22/2014 23:08 PM

Tonight I am working on a letter of apology to my sister-in-law and her husband. Has anyone else written letters of apology? Some of my in-laws have known about my affairs since shortly after d-day, and although I have seen them in person once, it wasn't an appropriate time to talk. When I saw them, it was awkward generic conversation but some of them offered me a hug. That was very unexpected and very nice. It was quite difficult for my husband, since he felt like "why am I letting her stay close to my family, she hasn't earned that back yet". We talked through some of that pain, but it's still there. This weekend he is going to a cousin's wedding and asked me to stay behind. This weekend will be tough for both of us. A very visible sign to his family about how he currently feels about me, in spite of our progress. He is always questioning how I can "act so normal" around his family. I guess I don't consider it acting, since it really does make me happy to be around them. I do need to consider if that is just me doing more compartmentalizing.

There are some other people that I also plan to write to, including my husband's best friend and his wife. I also plan to apologize in person to certain people, but none of them live in the same city as us. My MIL knows about the infidelity, but my FIL doesn't. I will have to handle the apology with her at a time when my FIL isn't around I guess. I don't think a letter is a good idea with her, because I wouldnt want my FIL to stumble across it and potentially get angry with her for not telling him. That whole situation feels bad to me. My whole immediate family knows, and although yes it is embarrassing, I can't imagine only telling a few of them and not the rest. Does anyone else have experience with that? Of course I respect my husband's decision, and I understand his reasons, but yikes, what if someone accidentally says something someday? Things I never thought I would have to worry about, and things my husband never ever should have had to consider.

nightmarelife posted 7/23/2014 00:25 AM

My inlaws have been amazing. BH told his parents on DDay and soon after the rest of his siblings found out. Some of them let me know that they'd forgiven me even before I had a chance to apologize. The awkwardness started to dissipate after I made multiple apologies to each person in the family (both in person and by text message). Apologizing also helped me accept their forgiveness and act normal around them. Then with repetition and time things have gotten back to normal.

@theworstcase, As for my own family, I told my brother (who's been through rehab and his own D) because I needed his support, and my older sister found out. Of my two younger siblings, one was living overseas and the other out of state so we didn't have to see them while in the thick of it and it was easy to just say we are having problems. Most people close to us knew about the problems in our relationship (before the A) anyway. So far it's been easy for the rest of the family to keep it from them. Maybe one day that will change and I will tell them or an accident will happen. Either way I'm prepared to confess and own my actions and hope for the best.

Good luck Thatguynomore. I don't envy you.

WW (me) - 33
Married 13 years
DS 6, DD 3, & another DD on the way
Dday - 10/25/13

[This message edited by nightmarelife at 12:32 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]

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