He had originally planned to take me to the beach for my birthday, which was Friday so we both took the day off. But instead I was packing boxes and moving out into my uncle’s basement.
I had agreed to the separation with the understanding that we were both going to take time to heal and figure out what we wanted to do while having no contact with the other person – this was BS’s suggestion to which I agreed to.
Saturday night comes along and I’ve just finished watching a movie and my phone rings. It’s my BS. I pick it up because I miss him and I want to hear his voice.
This is what he says to me.
“I called because I didn’t want you to freak out when you see the transaction come out of the bank and I wanted to tell you myself. I signed up for Plenty of Fish. I had to do this. I need to know what my options are.”
I start crying and say ok. (I've only been gone 1 night) :-( What else am I supposed to do. I cheated. I deserve this. But at the same time I feel that I am being left hanging while he goes and finds somebody else instead of just cutting the cord and ending it.
So I get to sit around for 4 weeks wondering who he’s talking to and who he’s going on dates with. This experience has changed me in more ways than I ever thought it would. All I wanted was to move forward with my BS, change and become a better person, remain faithful for the rest of my life with him, and grow old because I have realized just how much he means to me and that he will always be the one.
[This message edited by Tryin2Heal at 1:16 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]
I don't know what your BH's motives are, but I signed up for match.com for exactly this. I found that knowing that D might happen and suddenly having to think about it was frightening. I wanted to see pictures and bios of women to assure myself I wouldn't be alone (maybe not rational, but somehow I needed to see their faces).
I never had any intention of dating anyone before separation, and didn't interact with anyone. I closed the account after a few weeks.
So I'd say his story is plausible at first glance. And it's a huge plus that he told you about it.
[This message edited by mhca at 2:25 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]
From IC and divorce care, a separation is a time for reflection and growth, NOT dating! If your BS wants to date or just get laid, then he needs to file for D. Anything else is not fair to you and just plain wrong.
ETA: Do think good thing he told you. Seems to indicate that he still cares even aftervwll the pain and hurt.
Wish you and BH best of luck! This whole thing just sucks on all sides, but i take his telling you as a positive sign.
[This message edited by GetEvenInAZ at 2:44 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]
Don't waste a moment of this month. No matter how things turn out you obviously need to work on you, learn about boundaries, respect, selflessness etc. If you are given a chance to try to R you will be able to show your BS that you've really gotten your hands dirty trying to work on this yourself. Without that willingness there can be no building of trust. You need a new foundation and it's entirely up to you to create that. Learn everything you can about what a BS goes through. Learn about your BSs pain. He needs to know first and foremost that you get it and you will better be able to support and nurture him if you get the chance.
He is NOT my third choice.
[This message edited by Tryin2Heal at 9:04 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]
I don't think the question is whether or not you think of him as third choice but rather whether he feels like the third choice.
I can tell you as a BH that I feel like I am the consolation prize. It didn't work out with OM so I was there to fall back on. After over 3 years of PA my WW broke it off slowly by meeting him less frequently than weekly because she started to see him for being shallow and a loser. Not because of guilt ot conscience or a moral reawakening. She tired of him. She gaslighted, lied, denied, swore before God that she was not and did not commit adultery. We said our marriage vows and I believed them - still do.
I will not date or even look until we are legally divorced, if it comes to that. But I understand what other BSs have posted on SI about wondering if they will be alone forever if they divorce. I wonder that, too.
My WW broke our vows. She rejected me and all of my values and our marriage. We are trying to reconcile but with difficulty. She did not choose me as one IC told me. She rejected me and then used me as a safety net if it didn't work out with OM. I feel like I am a consolation prize to her. In my own mind I know I am better than this. That in all of the important characteristics in life OM does not hold a candle to me.
I am 7 months from DDay 3 and almost 11 from DDay 1. I have called my WW some awful names. Not so much anymore. I still have bouts of anger that come out of no where even when I am having "a good day". (Good days are not so good as they were before.) From what I read here on SI, on Healing Hearts, and in the huge addition to our library on adultery, FOO, abandonment, shame, CSA the anger can continue for a long time. The night before last I sent my WW an email (she was babysitting grand daughters) that ended in F**K YOU. And I meant it. For an hour.
I am closer to D now than anytime since DDay 1. I do not think my WW is fully committed to reconciliation. I think she has a lot of shame and regret but, IMO, only inklings of remorse. She is in IC and is working on her issues. She cannot say "why" - not really "why". She cannot say how she gave herself permission to to, firstly develop an EA with a person she supervised and then, secondly turn it into a PA after a couple of months that lasted over three years. I wish that she could say to me, as others have posted "thank you for giving me the chance to reconcile." She is starting to say "sorry that I have caused you such pain with my selfish actions" and "sorry about what I have done to you by my selfishly actions". Or similar things about specific events.
What can you do that your BH is not 3rd choice. Telling him will not do it. Actions. I can tell you that you, IMO, are very early in long marathon. There are and will be extreme hills and valleys. It will not be smooth and he will not just move on and make it all better. If he does it will not be over. All the stages have to be gone through no matter how long it takes and there will be setbacks and retracing. That is the name of the game he never signed up for. Can you handle it? Can my WW?
All I wanted was to move forward with my BS, change and become a better person, remain faithful for the rest of my life with him, and grow old because I have realized just how much he means to me and that he will always be the one.
Its good that you want to do this, honorable. Likely what he noticed is that there are people like me, for example who had WW who said these very things years ago, but have been in and out of affairs time and time again.
If he is just doing this to hurt your feeling that is wrong and cruel punishment. If you can talk to him try to open the discussion.
No doubt he is reacting to the pain, but whoever he dates is a lost cause, as it would only be a rebound/retaliation affair, worthless ego pumping.
I hope you can work something out, but for your sake and for the sake of your future husband or future relationship with current, you need to get to the root cause of your bad decisions and fix them long term. For your sake mostly.
take care.
