SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

MJane posted 7/20/2014 10:10 AM

During the A my H told me many times he didn't love me enough any more and I set about trying to work on our M, which had been through a lot following years of trying for kids and multiple miscarriages, tests, sadness etc. After. Dday he told me he had been lying to himself as a way he could tell himself the A was because we were over but that h "could never leave" me and realised he loved me. For months I have waited (in vain) for some kind of declaration of love to make me want to hang in with all this pain. He kept telling me he was working on it and didn't want to force something like that. In his actions he has been different but as the OW continues to harass us every few months I feel the insecurity resurfacing and ask myself if I am even with a man that loves me or just decided to hang around for the kids. Today, after a horrid fight of last night, he told me he is no place to tell me anything that I want to hear as he doesn't lover like he used to but hopes with time to get back to that as our M has taken a lot of damage. My reaction is to pack his bags for him - our M was in trouble given what we'd been through but he chose to blow it out of the water with an A just when I finally get pregnant. I have a father who deserted the family when I was little for another woman and who forgot he had any kids for years. I spent years trying to understand and make him lover and finally came to my peace with the fact that nothing I had had done or not done had any impact on his selfish choice. A huge part of me does not want to repeat those wasted heart-breaking efforts to be loved by my father with a H who openly tells me he is k

MJane posted 7/20/2014 10:12 AM

Not feeling how he used to. Am thinking it is time I walk away before I break even more ...would love inputs from SI folks - feeling so very alone and quite a bit scared about the choice to be on my own with two little kids...

veronique12 posted 7/20/2014 11:12 AM

What is your H doing to help his love grow? If he is not a very active participant, putting in effort to bring back the romance and loving feelings, then I'm not sure that he will ever feel satisfied and that what you have is enough. And neither will you. He cheated on you. The onus is on him. Obviously you have to work together but you are coming from such a deficit that he needs to be doing more of the heavy lifting now.

What is he searching for? The thrill of an illicit A or a mature honest loving partnership? Is he holding onto pre-A resentments? There is a lot of emotional work to do--is your H up for that? Based on your post, it doesn't seem like it.

It sounds like you've been putting in most of the work. You know you can't continue that. He has had you in limbo for many months, which is just so unfair to you.

I think at some point you need to come to a decision to start the 180 for yourself. I can imagine how scary the prospect of being on your own with you children is, but at the same time there is so much possibility for you: self-respect, knowing that you are worth so much more, and showing your children that you are worthy.

mamajen00 posted 7/20/2014 13:32 PM

MJane, my WH said the same type of things. He was waiting for his feelings of love for me to magically appear one morning when he woke up. Our MC told him he would be waiting a long time because that would never happen. He needed to consciously break down the walls of resentment and attach to me again. He had a nine month EA, followed by PA, so he was slowly detaching from me and building walls around me over that time. I also have a young son, so I know how scary it can be, but you can't wait around for his love to appear for you. If he's not 100% committed to working on the marriage then you need to engage in the 180 and meet with an attorney. That's what I did. My WH still sits on the fence. He doesn't know I am working with an attorney. You need to move in the direction of taking care of you and the kids. You deserve a man that treats you with respect and would do anything to demonstrate his love for you.

Lark posted 7/20/2014 13:39 PM

Hugs I am sorry!

The things WS say are just so painful.

My husband did the "I want to fall in love with her again" line to his OW. and she patted his ego and made him all the heroic knight who "will one day love her again." Because dontyaknow, it was my own fault that such a great guy couldn't love me.

Ego stroking, self-justifying, casting themselves as the victims of feelings they just can't control. Blah blah blah blah blah. More WS bullshit.

MJane posted 7/20/2014 18:12 PM

Feel like am at the end of the R road today - can't handle this deep pain anymore and maybe just time I realised there are some things I can't "fix" on my own. I was in the pattern the last few days of blaming. Myself - thinking maybe I was too easy on him when I found ought - I let him stay on in the house and even tried to make our M work when we had not come close to dealing with the A. I feel so angry and tonight said some terribly angry hurtful things - maybe we are just a toxic combination and should be apart. All I know of that today I can't breathe for the anger and pain - and hearing him blame me for the A this evening as I had made the M bad made me realise he has come nowhere near looking at what made him cheat and hat made me realise it can and probably will happen again... Feel so very very sad.